I just want feedback on this essay
The Alchemist
The most interesting thing that I have got done with is a summer job, I told myself last year when I wanted to apply for a summer job at subways that I would get the job done thru out the summer and I did .I worked a lot that summer and got a good profit out of it .In The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho the main character Santiago also get thru a job that he wanted. Santiago's personal legend and mine are similar because we both can finish what we started out. Santiago can finish a job, a journey and gets tested on it, and any task that is given to him.
Santiago's personal legend is that he can finish what he stared out with just like a job. When the crystal merchant gives Santiago a job at the store he is told he may have to stay a year or two to get what he wants, then crystal merchant tells Santiago that it's going to take a year to save up enough money for the trip to the pyramids. The crystal merchant says "I can give you the money you need to get back to your country, my son," said the crystal merchant. The boy said "I'll work for you," (35). In this quote Santiago tells himself to finish the job at the end of the year and get enough moony so that he can go to the pyramids and get the treasure, at the end he finish the job and gets enough money to continues his journey to the pyramids in Egypt. This personal legend is similar to me because I had a summer job and made a promise to myself that I would finish it and I did. I worked hard got there on time and did my duties in serving the customers that came in at subway. Santiago's personal legend and mine are the same because we both got a job and achieved in finish it to get what we both needed.
Santiago's personal legend is to finish a journey that he stared out with and to get tested along the way. When Santiago was at the Alchemist's house and talking about the soul of the world the Alchemist said "Every search begins with beginner's luck and ends with the victor's being severely tested" (145). What this quote is saying is that when you are going for a journey or searching for something you are going to start out prepared and get lucky and think that you will achieve what you're looking for and then along the way hardship might get you, you will only achieve what you are looking for thru hardship and being tested. This relates to me because once my older brother and I wanted to drive to Chicago and we started out good we had everything prepared and ready to go the food, map, and safety kit and the big survival kit as well. When we were passing by some city by Rochester we got lost and ran out of gas then I looked at the map and saw that there is a gas station nearby so we went and got gas and some snacks we needed along the way and directions that will lead us to the path that we missed earlier. When got to Chicago I was happy that we achieved what we were looking for, but with hardship. Santiago's personal legend and mine are the same because we both got thru a journey and got tested as well with hardship.
Santiago's personal legend is that he can finish any task that is given to him. When the Alchemist and Santiago were captured by the tribesmen, and been taken to their tent the chief questioned them and then the Alchemist gave them money the chief said to Santiago that he would like to see Santiago turn himself in to the wind then the Alchemist said "He needs three days, He is going to transform himself into the wind, just to demonstrate his powers. If he can't do so, we humbly offer you our lives, for the honor of your tribe."( ) . What this quote states is that Santiago is given a task to turn himself in to the wind by the chief and the Alchemist added that he needs three days to do so. At first Santiago is in fear that he would not accomplish it, but then the alchemist calms him down and says "Don't let them see that you're afraid, they are brave men, and they despise cowards."( ). What this quote is saying is that Santiago needs to be strong and not to be acting like a coward. This is related to me because some time ago I was given a task to go to the tryouts for basketball and get make the team, at first I was afraid that I would miss and wouldn't make the team then my friends cheered me on and told me that I would make it 100% then I saw that fear go away then I took my shoot and made the team. Santiago's personal legend and mine are the similar because we both can finish a task that was given to us.
Santiago's personal legend and mine are similar because we both can finish what we started out. Santiago can finish a job, a journey and gets tested on it, and any task that is given to him. Personal legends can be the same it's just different by how you approach it and if you get to the final stage and finish it and know that you are done with it and that anyone can achieve their personal legend.
I'll edit the first paragraph only because it is 3AM and I am tired. I'll try to do more tomorrow.
"The most interesting thing that I have done with my summer is get job. While I was applying at Subways last year, I told myself that I will hold on to the job throughout the summer. I ended up working a lot of hours and even earned some profit. In The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, the main character Santiago also got the job that he wanted. Santiago's personal belief and mine are similar because we both can finish what we started. Santiago finished his job, his journey and any tasks that was given to him."
Anyway, you need to reread a lot of your content, and try using a spellchecker. You tend to jump from present to past tense, which leaves the reader confused. And I just skimmed across your essay and saw you repeating a lot of the same lines, I am not sure why you did that. Also, I am not sure what you mean by personal legend, so I am assuming you mean beliefs, morals, etc.
Alright, good luck.
Thanks Kurogashi, you are great!
Santiago's personal legend is that he can finish what he starts, because he has strong work ethic. out with just like a job . --- Is this what you mean?
When the crystal merchant gives Santiago a job at the store he is told he may have to stay a year or two to get what he wants; t hen crystal merchant tells Santiago that it's going to take a year to save up enough money for the trip to the pyramids.
Use commas:
I worked hard, got there on time, and did my duties in serving the customers that came in at S ubway. Santiago's personal legend and mine are the same, because we both got a job and achieved in finish it to get what we both needed.
I think you are writing stared when you should be writing started. Also. You don't need to write "out with." Do it this way:
Santiago's personal legend is to finish a journey that he started and to get tested along the way.
Now, you have been writing in the present tense, so keep the verbs in the present tense here, too:
When Santiago is at the Alchemist's house and talking about the soul of the world the Alchemist says, "Every search ...
Again here:
Santiago's personal legend is that he can finish any task that is given to him. --- you wrote "is" in the present tense, and that is correct. So now when you write about the story, you can keep it in the present tense. ----> When the Alchemist and Santiago are captured by the tribesmen and taken to their tent, the chief questions them and then the Alchemist gives them money. The chief says to Santiago that he would...
Whenever you write about a story (book, movie, or whatever) you can use the present tense. For example:
In Star Wars, Luke Skywalker learns that Darth Vader is his father, and he has a big freakout.
This is a run on sentence:
Personal legends can be the same it's just different by how you approach it and if you get to the final stage and finish it and know that you are done with it and that anyone can achieve their personal legend.
Personal legends can be the same; our legends just differ because of how we approach them, and if you get to the final stage, finish it, and know that you are done with it, you know that anyone can achieve their personal legend. --- nice ending!!
