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English essay about "Tomorrow when the war began", first paragraph help


leanne 1 / -  
Mar 22, 2010   #1
Hey, I am writing a essay on Tomorrow when the war began and I was just wondering if you could help me please My Intro starts off like this

The novel is based on a group of seven strong teenagers that decide to go camping for a few days in the Christmas holidays to Tailor's Stitch. Tomorrow when the war began by John Marsden is about Ellie which is the main charter, Ellie and her friend Corrie oranized the trip, Robyn is a very powerful teenager as she is very brave to help give Lee the injections to save him and Kevin taking Corrie to the hospital after she had been shot in the back. This shows that all of the teenagers got along well throughout there camping trip.

and I was also wandering if you ould help me with the first paragraph
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 24, 2010   #2
This is disorganized. The first two sentences are confusing. In the first sentence, you refer to the novel, and in the second sentence you name it... it confused me! I think you should name the novel in the first sentence.

... is about Ellie which is the main charter, Ellie and her friend Corrie oranized the trip...---- this is a run on sentence! You should separate them:

is about Ellie which is the main charter. Ellie and her friend Corrie oranized the trip. Robyn is a very ...---- but this still has a problem because you keep talking about different things. You should not summarize the story in the first paragraph of the essay. Instead, use the first paragraph to discuss a theme of the story or the theme of your essay about the story.

Then, write a topic sentence for each paragraph. Google this: good topic sentences

:-)


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