Hello, this is my first essay on this forum. I'm not a native English speaker, and I'm really working hard on my writing skills. Please review this and give me some advice. Thank you for your time and effort!
The alarm bell is deafening. I raise my hand to hit the alarm clock and cover my face with my thick blanket again. But something is still drumming by my ears, so annoying that no matter how you try to close your eyes, you cannot continue to sleep. Using all the energy I have, I sit up and open the curtain. It could be someone's house being under construction. It could be a huge truck entering my block. Yet, to my horror, I find a dazzling white curtain of rain in front of my eyes. It is the kind of rain that hides the neighbouring block of house from you view; the kind of rain you cannot escape from during December; the kind of rain that makes you crawl back into bed, where the blanket has not lost all your heat, and pretend that the alarm clock is five minutes early. This is the perfect weather to stay at home, roll in a thick blanket and pretend that it is your heaven.
Apparently, the only thing that take me out of my comfortable bed is today itself. A Monday. Which means, I have to go to work. Sluggishly and hesitantly, I get out of my bed. The ground is freezing, so I nearly hop to the bathroom. The water is icy, which, as my mother always says, is a good means to wake you up in such a sleepy day. However, today, icy water does not really work for me. I am taken aback a little, but somehow, it just makes me want to return to my warm blanket, just a few steps from the bathroom. 'It is not Sunday today', I tell myself repeatedly.
After putting on every piece of woollen clothes I could find in my closet, I am already late. But I still go down to have breakfast. Cereal and milk. The milk, from the refrigerator, is obviously cold. The first spoon makes me shiver. After the third, I can feel a chill in my stomach, so I stop and make my way to the front gate. As I put on my shoes, discouraging and irresponsible thoughts fill my head. I can stay at home and fake a disease, it is the season of flu now, no doubt; moreover, it is only a voluntary work, what's the point of going there in such a day?; or maybe, I could go later, when the rain subdues? I stop at the gate, hesitantly. The rain is still coming down in sheets; each heavy drop erodes away some soil in the garden I used to take care of when I was in primary school. The streets are empty, except for few brown umbrellas scattering along the lonely road. Houses are bright with warm light. Everybody, I suppose, is safe in their homes.
I can stay at home. No punishment will be taken upon me, simply because I am a just volunteer. And yet, I shudder at the thought. A sting of guilt washes through me. What a poor excuse I am leaning on? How can I let my so called "colleagues" down while they have been helping me profusely? I cannot be irresponsible to my work, my friends, and even myself. That is the whole purpose of work experience program, as my teacher always says, to be in control.
'To be in control', yeah, I can control myself. I raise my hand, open the big pink umbrella, and walk out of my house. The biting wind is howling beside my ears. Trees are dancing their awkward waltz. 'I won't blow away', I giggle at myself as I recite the quote from the movie I recently watched. Each step lightens.
p/s: I really want to elaborate the points on "letting my colleagues down" more, as in, using the "show, not tell" techniques, but I am not so sure how to do. Could somebody please help me? Thanks a million times.
p/s2: erm, I just realised that I am supposed to post this under general courseworks... oops... Since I can't find a way to delete this or move it to the correct destination, I hope you won't mind that this lies here:D. It is my first post, so... Next time I'll post it the right place... Sorry:D
Greetings!
I am happy to give you some feedback on your very fine essay! :-)
The alarm bell is deafening. I raise my hand to hit the alarm clock and cover my face with my thick blanket again. But something is still drumming by my ears, so annoying that no matter how you try to close your eyes, you cannot continue to sleep. - You did an excellent job of pulling the reader into your story by giving it a sense of immediacy--then, you suddenly yanked it away by switching to second person. Keep it in first person: "no matter how I try to close my eyes, I cannot continue to sleep."
Although it's less jarring in the next part, I'd keep it in first person as well: "It is the kind of rain that hides the neighbouring block of houses from view; the kind of inescapable December rain that makes me want to crawl back into bed, where the blanket has not lost all its heat, and pretend that the alarm clock is five minutes early. This is the perfect weather to stay at home, roll in a thick blanket and pretend that it is heaven."
Which means [delete ,] I have to go to work.
which, as my mother always says, is a good means to wake up on such a sleepy day.
woolen clothing
it is only volunteer work, what's the point of going there on such a day? [omit ;] Or maybe I could go later, when the rain subsides?
The streets are empty, except for a few brown umbrellas scattered along the lonely road.
No punishment will be taken upon me, simply because I am just a volunteer.
What poor excuse am I leaning on?
the whole purpose of the work experience program,
I raise my hand, open the big pink umbrella, and walk out of my house. - Earlier in the essay you were making your way to the front gate; this makes it sound like you were already outside. Did you mean the front door?
The best way to "show, don't tell" with regard to your colleagues is to give an example. Can you relate a brief incident where one of your colleagues helped you out "profusely"? You could say something like, "I find myself thinking back to the time that [colleague] stayed an extra hour, showing me how to ..."
Your hard work is paying off! Keep it up!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Thank you so much for your advice. I have tried to rewrite one paragraph, could you please help me edit it? I think it sounds a bit awkward actually:D
Thanks in advance!
I can stay at home. No punishment will be taken upon me, simply because I am just a volunteer. And yet, I shudder at the thought. Images of my colleagues flashed up in my mind. There is Mrs. Chan's bright smile, when I finally figured out how to put in the data in the library system after staying an extra hour at work. There is Ms. Tan's frown, when she insisted on taking me home for fear that I could have been kidnapped while waiting for the bus. Well, why should they care so much for me, while I am simply just a volunteer? A sting of guilt washes through me. How can I let my colleagues down while they have been helping me profusely? What poor excuses am I leaning on? Is it the rain? Is it the cold? Or is it just plainly my irresponsibility? I dare not picture my colleagues looking at the watch every ten minutes, wondering if something happened to me. The purpose of the work experience program is to be in control, no matter what; and yet, what have I been thinking?
Greetings!
I like your additions! They just need a little bit of smoothing to make the English sound more natural:
No punishment will be inflicted on me, because I am just a volunteer.
Images of my colleagues flash across my mind.
Why should they care so much for me, when I am simply a volunteer?
I dare not picture my colleagues looking at the clock every ten minutes,
The purpose of the work experience program is to be in control, no matter what; - This struck me as a little odd; I don't think that's probably the real purpose of the program. Maybe you could find a less rigid way to put this, like "The purpose of the work program is to teach responsibility."
I hope this helps!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
