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Is father or mother who play the more important role in building up the children


Tan Huey Yean 2 / 2  
May 19, 2009   #1
Can someone please help me with the essay "Is father or mother who play the more important role in building up the children?" ?

Please check for the first paragraph:
Under the cover of pitch-darkness, a man about 27, who only have a father in the family was being arrested in involving the bank-rob. One might hesitate, pause and ponder. What initiated him? Who inspired him? What embed in his head and ingrained in his mind? Consequently prompted him into such an ill fated encounter even at the risk of the "final count-down" of his lives. However it is certainly a glaring commentary on the shocking deficiencies of the education of a family.

Please help me to continue the essay.Thank you.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
May 19, 2009   #2
Under the cover of pitch-darkness, a man about 27 of age whose only family is his father, was being arrested for involvement with a bank-robbery . One might hesitate, pause and ponder: What compelled him to do this? Who inspired him? What embedded the idea in his head and ingrained it in his mind? Something prompted him into this ill-fated encounter. even at the risk of the "final count-down" of his lives . However it is certainly a glaring commentary on the shocking deficiencies of the education of a family.

I don't really understand what you are trying to say, but I did my best.

Good luck! Get some help from someone who is very good at speaking both English and your native language. You still need lots of practice. However, you use great words, like "ponder"! I like it.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
May 19, 2009   #3
Kevin already fixed the grammar for you, so I'll just add a comment about your content: you need to work harder at highlighting the causal connection you are trying to imply. There are many reasons a person might become involved in a bank robbery, and it is almost never because of coming from a single-parent family in and of itself. Coming from a single parent family might lead to other conditions that have pertinent effects, certainly. A child raised by a single parent may have a lower family income, or spend more time unsupervised, for instance. Likewise, wealth and education correlate highly with marriage. The people in ivory towers who theorize that marriage is an archaic, sexist institution are not the ones who deny themselves its comforts, or their children its support. As a result, people who are more highly educated and well off are also more likely to provide two-parent homes for their children. Conversely, lower-educated and less well-off parents are more likely to be raising the child alone. So, being raised by a single parent may be predictive of involvement in crime because it is associated with lack of education and poverty, both of which are of course key factors correlated with crime. Just something to think about.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
May 23, 2009   #5
I really like the drama of the first paragraph, which Kevin did a great job of fixing up. This will draw the reader into your essay. You might wish to return to this scenario in your conclusion, applying the ideas that you raise in the body of your essay to the story.

But, before you do that, you must write the body of the essay. The next step is to use prewriting to clarify and organize your ideas. Use brainstorming (jotting down words or phrases as you let your mind wander) or freewriting (writing without worrying about grammar or punctuation) to come up with the main points that you want to make in the essay. Take your time with this step: The most important work of writing an essay occurs before you start writing, so don't cheat yourself by not taking enough time to think before you write!

Once you have at least three clear points that you wish to make, organize those into an outline. Since you have already drawn the reader in with such a strong introduction, you might want to use what's called "emphatic" organization, saving your strongest point for last. For each point, you must have some supporting information, such as empirical evidence from a reading or an example from life.

For each point that you want to make, write a paragraph that begins with a topic sentence that states your argument clearly. Then supply the supporting evidence.

Then you are ready to write your conclusion. Restate your main points and then return to the story with which you began the essay, applying what you have said to it.

Good luck and feel free to post more sections of the essay for feedback as you work!
turedreamer /  
May 23, 2009   #6
that sound like interesting topic i think it sound better after editing
maextra7 2 / 9  
May 26, 2009   #7
If you wanted some theories to bulk your essay out a little perhaps look at John Bowlby's Attchement theory which looked at whether children could have a strong attachment to a regular caregiver or whether this bond was primary formed with the child's mother.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

Hope that helps
Mel
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
May 26, 2009   #8
If you wanted some theories to bulk your essay out a little perhaps look at John Bowlby's Attchement theory

That's a very good idea, Mel! Another possibly useful source is the book Raising Cain, which discusses the roles of fathers in the lives of their sons.

On the other hand, the book The Way We Never Were exposes the degree to which the norm of the two-parent nuclear family is a myth.


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