Topic is: "In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some believe that governments should have responsibility to solve this problem. Do you agree or disagree?"
Note: next time a useless title = suspension
Government's role in fighting obesity
It may indeed be true to claim that caring the healthy children has long been a thorny question concerning numerous people. The army of advocates assumes that governments have to responsibility for younger's development as overweight and unhealthy, whereas a host of people persist in the idea that it exerts detrimental influence as well. I totally agree that solving this problem is responsible for authorities as this would offer more advantages.
The major reason why I agree with this viewpoint is because it will have some benefits for society as a whole. The prime virtue is that city councils can address thoroughly this issue and make substantial contribution to educating the future generation of workers, among which Japan and United State are typical examples. It goes without saying that they will become the well-educated workforce who boosts their country's economic development, if they have a healthy body without fat or. Another fundamental argument raised by advocates is that the better governments do the more a great achievement of reducing the budget for healthy service, such as healthcare it helps them to acquire. As a matter of fact, without spending on healthcare, it also results in saving money, thereby improving people's living standard.
On the other hand, there are some disadvantages if they do not deal with it as it runs directly counter to the facts. The first one which is worth mentioning is that citizens will feel neither comfortable nor free when paying taxes. Although the minority will be not affected, the less the financial resources from taxes there is, the more difficulty in developing economy society will certainly face. Lastly, authorities will not give us great opportunity to be exposed to citizens. As a consequence, they could not be encouraged to apply their policies to the people.
In conclusion, the health problems like unhealthy and overweight that has played a significant role in the people's life. I strongly believe that this issue should be solved by government that is a positive step toward a better world.
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Quyet, your opening statement is so confusing, I did not understand the point of the paragraph. Do not try to write complex sentences at this point. You are not yet capable of doing so. You should only be practicing developing simple sentences for now. It is in your best interest to not try and rush your increased level of writing. If you push yourself too hard, you will not be able to properly develop your English writing skills. A word of advice, always close the opening paragraph with the instruction regarding the discussion. That means, you must indicate, as the last sentence, whether or not you believe in the statement in the manner that the prompt instructs you to do.
The instruction you were given was for a single opinion essay. You opted to discuss it as a compare and contrast essay. This is further evidence that your English comprehension skills are still weak and, based upon the work that you did in this essay, you will definitely not pass the test in the actual setting. Try to make a few changes to your writing style that should help to increase your chances of passing the test.
As mentioned before, do not try to write complex sentences because you are not yet grammatically capable of doing so. Your aim should be to make yourself clearly understood by the reader, using the most applicable English words that you know. Using "big" words, when it doesn't make sense in your presentation is not going to help increase your LR and GRA score.
Make sure that you understand what the prompt requirements are and how to discuss it. This is of the utmost importance because if you make a mistake in the discussion, you will automatically fail the test. It would be best if your read the other IELTS essays that have been written and posted here in order to familiarize yourself with the various prompt requirements and how to best discuss them during your practice tests. Take note of the advice previously given to the students and apply it to your own work.