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need help in making these 3 sentences sound more professional


pharmd9 2 / 8  
Jan 11, 2010   #1
There are many qualities that make up the concept of professionalism. The key values are accountability, communication, ethical behavior, leadership, working well with others, their qualifications, and working well under pressure. All of these traits are required to have the optimal professional setting.
RabiaG 1 / 30  
Jan 12, 2010   #2
Your parallelism, does not match.

Suggestion:
"Indeed, there(Make sure this is the correct there, b/c for some reason I'm unsure) are immense qualities that delineate an individual's professionalism. The key values may include the fulfillment of work under great pressure, accountability, communication skills, ethical behavior, leadership, working well with others (Now the parallelism is not proper in my sentence, so if you can make the values into two sentences, if you like.) and amiability. These qualifications are required to attain a optimal professional setting.

I hope this helps.

GOOD LUCK!
christiek 6 / 65  
Jan 12, 2010   #3
I think your first sentence is okay. Not the most luring sentence but it's nice : )

Second sentence: You need to fix this sentence somehow. Don't just list all those important values to just hang there. Man, it's definitely easier said than done. But if I think of something I will let you know... Good words you chose though ; ]

All of these traits are required to have the optimal professional setting.

-> this is already implied isn't it?
So maybe you can use those traits and expand upon them more here with analysis or something.

Man this is hard. Are you supposed to describe professionalism or something?
OP pharmd9 2 / 8  
Jan 12, 2010   #4
yup, i'm supposed to write an essay describing professionalism. this is my opening so far. i think i will take out the last sentence, you're right, it is kind of implied already. thanks for your suggestions guys!! i really appreciate it! :)
129gladys - / 1  
Jan 21, 2010   #5
While Mike Tyson fought in and out of the rings. As a kid he was proving he would never be humiliated again. When he was in the rings he learned never to take his eyes from his opponents face.


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