Prompt: Extracurricular, Community Service and Volunteer Activities
My essay:
Over the past couple of years, I have done many extracurricular and volunteer activities. I have done Indian classical dancing, Tae Kwon Do, swimming, and tennis. Indian classical dancing has been my passion ever since I was 5 years old. I have been taking part in this art form for about 10 years now. Almost every year, our dance group held recitals, in which we sold tickets, to help an organization such as Fishers Home, St. Jude's Hospital, March of Dimes, etc. In 2009, I had my dance graduation, in which I dance solo for approximately 2 hours in front of an audience. I have been learning Tae Kwon Do since I was 5 as well. I received my second degree black belt just this past November. For Tae Kwon Do as well, we collected money for the Children's Levine Hospital. I collected a total of $500 dollars. I took part in our school Swim Team, in the 9th grade year. In tenth grade, I took part in the school Tennis Team. Various Clubs I am in include Key Club which I participated in 9th and am still in as a 10th grader. To be a part of this club, a student must complete 50 hours of community service yearly. I became eligible to join the Spanish Honor Society just this year. To be eligible, you must be in a Spanish 3 class, and have had a grade average of an A in Spanish 2. Lastly, I am in the Student Advisory Media Club. I have been in this club since 8th grade. In this club we read books, and write review, or advertise them to the school. Though, just this year, our school got selected for the YA Galley project. As a part of this project, our school receives unpublished books that we must read and write reviews about. The books then get published based on our comments. At NCSSM, I would very much like to participate in all the activities that are listed above.
how about: Almost every year, our dance group holds recitals with proceeds going towards organizations such as Fishers Home, St. Jude's Hospital, March of Dimes, etc.
...in which I danced solo for approximately 2 hours in front of an audience.
One of the various clubs I am in include Key Club, which I have participated in both 9th and 10th grade.
Over the past couple of years, I have done many extracurricular and volunteer activities.
This sentence is uninteresting. Writing well is only half the challenge. You need to catch the reader's interest.
You should write two instead of 2
... two
2 hours in front of an audience. I have been learning Tae Kwon Do since I was
5 five as well.
You have some great accomplishments here! I'm afraid it seems like a list, though. I think you should take out the long sentences and just mention getting the second black belt, mention the other activities, but do so briefly, and discuss all of it as a way of expressing a theme that makes the essay interesting. Go back to that boring first sentence, and change it so that it expresses a theme that will make the essay memorable. Then, instead of listing all the achievements, talk about them as examples to demonstrate the theme you are sharing.
:-)
