Write a comparison/contrast essay about Living at home and living away from home.
This is my essay, I hope you can give me some feedback.Thanks.
Most Young people think about living away from home as the best part in their lives because they will have more freedom and that can be really exciting for them; however, they do not realize that living at home has more benefits compared to living away from home.
The best thing about living away from home is that you have more freedom. You can set your own rules, stay up late, invite friends to your place and have parties whenever you want; hence, a parent- free environment is awesome, but you need to be mature enough to handle it. A drawback is that you may feel homesick. You may miss the moments that you used to share with your family, or even those familiar things such as your neighborhood, your bedroom, your pet and so on. A study in Neuropsychiatry states that people get higher mental health scores if they lived in their family home. Another disadvantage is that you will have to pay a rent, pay the bills, and buy your own food which will definitely affect you in the financial aspect. Finally, another aspect is convenience. You will not have many of the things that you used to have at home. You will have less free time for other activities because you will spend more time doing housework, balancing the budget and organizing things by yourself.
On the other hand, living at home can be frustrating because you always have to obey rules; Your parents will control you most of the time, but this can be a benefit because it can prevent you from being lazy and wasting time doing things that are unproductive. The emotional aspect is also a plus because you would definitely feel better at home. There is nothing like family. They can support you when you need them and cheer you up. Moreover, you can save a lot of money because you do not have to pay a rent neither do you have to buy your own food because your parents will do that for free or sometimes charge you just a low rate. Another point in favor is convenience. You have almost everything you need at home; furthermore, your mother usually does all the housework, at least of the common areas, and organizes everything; consequently you will have more free time for studying or just going out with your friends and having fun.
In conclusion, Even though living away from home can be good since it gives you a feeling of freedom and autonomy, living at home has more advantages contrasted with it. Therefore, if you are planning to leave your house, think it carefully because you can find emotional, financial and convenience disadvantages which will affect you.
I know that I am not good at English grammar so I can't edit your essay. But I can give you some feedback about your essay.
You wrote "they do not realize that living at home has more benefits compared to living away from home." it's kind of offense to people who choose living away from home and I think it's better you do not decide which kind of living style is better than other because it depends on the personality and needs of people. I think it's better to compare two kind of living style without making any choice.
So you can write about how living at home with family members has a significant role on improvement of qualities such as respecting other people ideas and choices, teamwork skills and so on.
In my opinion, you may write about benefits of living at home and far away from you.
You would select point by point comparision or contrast: for example, at home, more family relationship and away from home, without enough comfort or care from your parents
Here are my suggestions.
Most y oung people think...
people get higher mental health scores if they lived in their family home--- excellent point!! This is a high quality essay.
Here is another inappropriate capital letter:
to obey rules; your parents will ...
I like your phrase "parent-free environment"
Ha ha, I really enjoy reading this... your writing style is excellent:
You have almost everything you need at home; furthermore, your mother usually does all the housework, at least
of the common areas, and organizes everything; consequently you will have more free time for studying or just going out with your friends and having fun.
Nice job, please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/
Thanks Zeinab...I didn't want to be offensive with the prase "they do not realize that living at home has more benefits compared to living away from home." but when i was doing the otline my teacher suggested that i have to write in a persuasive way...
Thank you Keng ...I was also thinking about selecting point by point structure but then I changed my mind...and about writing about the benefits you mean only benefits and no disadvantage???
Thanks Kevin...I didn't realized those mistakes on capital letters...you said that my writing style is excellent, I just can't believe it because honestly I think I am not good. I am taking an Academic Writng course just because I want to take the ECPE and I am afraid of failing especially the writing part. My teacher read my essay yesterday and told me that I have to change the introduction especially the beginning sentence because he says that it doesn't attract the readers interest and he suggested me to start with a question...and he also told me that the conclusion was not so good, so now I am having a hard time trying to improve it because I have to present it tomorrow. I would really appreciate any comments or suggestions to help me, please!!! thanks...
Can anybody help me to improve the introduction and conclusion, please??? = )
Thanks in advance...
doesn't attract the readers interest and he suggested me to start with a question...
Yes, that is often called a "hook," to hook the attention.
I hope your presentation was a success today!!
You may have a wrong idea about what is "good" writing. Also, your teachers may have a wrong idea. Stephen King says, "Writing is telepathy." You do not write the way my teachers wrote in school; you write like someone who is bilingual, taking insight from multiple languages. It makes it so that your writing style is complex and unique.
I found another mistake:
Moreover, you can save a lot of money because you do not have to pay a rent,
nor do you have to buy your own food,
because your parents will do that for free or sometimes charge you just a low rate.
Thanks kevin, I am from Peru and it it makes me feel good that you an experienced person in writing essays, say my writing style is good, but the problem is that it takes me too much time
I hate writing under pressure, and in the ECPE exam I have to write under pressure that's why I was so worried about my writing, but now that I have found this forum I am more relieved because I am learning alot reading others work and feedbacks. :)
and what about the introduction and conclusion??? you didn't tell me how can I improve it?
I will be waiting for your answer...if it is today I would appreciate it so much!!!
Hi Evelyn, first I'll make sure you see the inapropriate capitalization here in the conclusion:
Even even though living away from..
...just in case.
But your question was about how to improve the intro and conclusion. I like to think of it as though the intro and conclusion are what make the rest of the essay meaningful. So, if you add a powerful observation to the intro or conclusion, you improve the whole essay.
Right now your essay is all about the fact that it is more practical to live at home. That is good, but the way to make it better is to make it wiser and more profound. For example, add 1 sentence to the intro and 1 sentence to the conclusion, and let those sentences bring the meaning to a new level, like this.
Most young people think ...compared to living away from home. "When you spend time and money to make your own home, you are trading some of your resources for a certain kind of experience. It's not wrong to live at home, and it is not wrong to live away from home, but people should be strategic about deciding when to start living away from home."
And you can add to your conclusion, too. At the end of that conclusion paragraph, add a sentence that tells what YOU really believe about it. You can ADD SOMETHING EXTRA for the reader to think about. In the conclusion, I like to talk about the IMPLICATIONS of what the essay says.
fortunately my friend realized that capitalization mistake before I give it to my teacher. ;)
Thanks a lot!!! yeah, that is what I tried to do but I couldn't think about what to add so I finally added a question at the begining of the introduction and my opinion in the conclusion, but it was nothing meaningful. I wish I had read this advice before, anyway I presented this essay yesterday and I have to admit that the sentences that I added didn't help to improve it, I am sure my teacher is going to said that. However I will try harder in my next essay that should be cause an effect...My teacher asked me to think about a topic in which I can use chain organization in the structure, do you think It can be ...
rising divorce rate??? i mean is this topic good for chain organization? any suggestions?...
Thanks again for your feedback, I really appreciate it, so much. :)
Divorce rates can be a good topic with chain organization. Write about a process that leads to some ultimate consequence.
Marriage is an institution that has been oppressive to women since times long before the gender equality movement. The traditional family values that limit women's potential to achieve their dreams makes the divorce rate rise...
A rising divorce rate causes many students to grow up in a single parent home.
Paragraph 3: Growing up in a single parent home causes...
And so on...
I am sorry but I couldn't get your point here "The traditional family values that limit women's potential to achieve their dreams makes the divorce rate rise..." can you help me to understand what do you mean please??? because I think the idea is incomplete??? thanks in advance. :)
I was just trying to give an example in case you didn't understand how to do a chain essay. If I understand correctly, a chain essay is supposed to be like a cause and effect essay; it shows that one thing causes another, which causes another, which causes another.
Does that seem right?
So, I was just saying how I would write a chain essay about divorce rates. A causes B, which causes C, which causes D, etc.
"The traditional family values that limit women's potential to achieve their dreams makes the divorce rate rise..."--- this says that one factor that causes the divorce rate to rise is that women are becoming professionals in modern times, instead of staying at home in their "traditional roles," and that this modern gender equality makes divorce rates rise.
yeah, it is right. my teacher expalined what is a chain essay, but what I don't have clear is how to start...
and when I read "Marriage is an institution that has been oppressive to women since times long before the gender equality movement. The traditional family values that limit women's potential to achieve their dreams makes the divorce rate rise..." i was wondering if that is the introduction, but this just one of the causes of divorce, and I was reading that there are many!!! then I am not sure how to start my chain??? I came up with this...
paragraph one ...introduction...NOT IDEAS???OR CAN THE CAUSES BE IN THE INTRODUCTION???
I AM NOT SURE ABOUT IT?
- WOMEN'S CHANGING ROLES
- FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
paragraph three ...RESULT:
RISING DIVORCE RATE
paragraph four....RISING DIVORCE RATE CAUSES MANY CHILDREN GROW UP IN A SINGLE PARENT HOME
paragraph five....GROWING UP IN A SINGLE PARENT HOME MAY CAUSE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS:
Low self esteem
paragraph six....PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS MAY CAUSE SOME SOCIOLOGICAL PROBLEMS:
- Teen pregnancy
- Unmarried couples living together
What do you think???is it ok any suggestions??? help me please!!!!I have to write my essay for tomorrow.
Thanks for your time.
.NOT IDEAS???OR CAN THE CAUSES BE IN THE INTRODUCTION??
When I see this part, it makes me think about the way a chain essay can start at any point. It all depends on what you want to show leading to what. The intro should tell about the various parts that are linked in the chain. You could start with women's changing roles, and show that it leads to a rise in the diorce rate, which leads to juvenile delinquency.
You can just outline the links of the chain in that first paragraph. Or, if you are talking about a chain with more than 4 or 5 links, you can just talk about the first and the last and explain that the essay will show that the first leads to the last.
This might get difficult if you have several outcomes for each link of the chain. For example, you have multiple psychological problems resulting from children being in single parent homes. Make sure that you show that these problems represent one stage in the chain of events; they can all be in the same paragraph.