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startanewlife 2 / 2  
Sep 17, 2006   #1
It is a theme from one movie ....if you know this movie...please give me some advices as well...but mainly...please edit the grammas and sentence structure for me ...Please....

The following lines are labelld with numbers....It might be helpful if you want to give me some feedback...Thanks:-D

if you can't see the picture...please let me know
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Sep 17, 2006   #2

While I haven't seen the movie, I can give you some editing tips. First, I think you need to define your theme a little more specifically. The "level of tolerance" for what? It isn't clear.

You say the girls "knew exactly what they were doing," yet you also say that "evil fortune" caused the children to play a dangerous game. Fortune generally refers to luck rather than purposeful actions.

Capitalize "Bible" when referring specifically to the Christian Holy Bible.

It should be "to play" instead of "played" on line 2; "to act bewitched" not "act out like"; "taking advantage" (no "s") on line 9; in formal writing, don't use contractions (say "did not" instead of "didn't").

The last two lines could use some more development. Saying that "mental thinking" (which is redundant - all thinking is mental) caused their horrible actions is a bit obvious. Perhaps you could explore why it occurred by describing the type of life they lived in more detail. Why were the girls so angry and bored?

Finally, be sure to read your essay out loud, listening carefully to make sure each sentence says just what you meant it to say. You might ask a friend to listen to you read it. Keep polishing it and your results will pay off!


Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP startanewlife 2 / 2  
Sep 17, 2006   #3
Thank you for the advice...i found it very useful...
i asked one of my friends ...and he said that the "Cause" i used in the first sentence is not right....But it sounds right when i read it= = ....so is there any problem with the word Cause??... "cause sth ( for sb)" this is what he said= = ....

so...will it be better to change or...or just leave it?....or change to motivate?....thanks~~again
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Sep 18, 2006   #4

I'm happy to answer those questions for you, but I don't see your essay. Could you please paste that first sentence in so I can have a look?


Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Sep 19, 2006   #5

I think "cause" is the proper word there. The part I have trouble with is "do everything that is out of his mind." That really does not make a lot of sense. Better would be "When a person's level of tolerance exceeds its limits, he can lose his mind." However, you would still need to explain what you mean by tolerance.

The word "intolerance" is actually more easily understood. Consider a sentence like this: "In Three Sovereigns for Sarah, anger, boredom and intolerance caused three children to play a dangerous game." Then you might want to go on to explain why the girls were intolerant of other people.

There are many ways you could express these thoughts. Try writing your opening several different ways and see which one strikes you as being the strongest.

Hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com