Q: This is the examples of how i write my introductory paragraph. Feedbacks, comments critique and tips are greatly appreciated.
1) Public examinations have bred a generation of rote-learners, but not thinkers. What are your views on this? Write a suitable introductory paragraph.
Students are oblige to sit on public examinations. Due to the examinations, there are many stories of successful students pass with flying colours spread in the TV news. Because of the situation, people believe that the improvement of their children's knowledge is based on the examinations. But, do the successful students can really think outside of the box? Or do they can be the next generation who invent a sports car that can be move under the water? A public examination is not necessarily will produce the generation with a good thinker.
2) Many Malaysian viewers feel that censorship laws are too strict and should be abolished. Do you agree?
The government or certain organizations do really have the right to censor and remove certain forms of media by their own beliefs? Or these decisions should be left up to you and that adults and parents should be making the decisions on what they themselves and their children should be watching and hearing? Some people believe that this is true and others like the government and other types of organizations believe that these restrictions and limits must be pressed on the media to protect their households from types of media that they feel may be inappropriate to them. However, the censorship in the media is too strict and not well handled that have to be abolished.
1) Public examinations have bred a generation of rote-learners, but not thinkers. What are your views on this? Write a suitable introductory paragraph.
Students are oblige to sit on public examinations.
Pros. This introductory sentence is simple and leads the reader to the topic.
Cons. The topic is too broad. Which public exams? Which students? When do students take them?
Use the active voice instead of the passive voice.
Alternative: Tests, such as the ____ , require students to register months in advance.
High school seniors must register months in advance before taking the _______.
Due to the examinations, there are many stories of successful students pass with flying colours spread in the TV news.
Pros. Great idea. You understand that passing the test does not necessarily indicate that the educational level has increased.
Cons. Does the news affect the outcome? Is the outcome worth the wait? Does anyone care? Do they care too much? Try and take a stand.
"Due to" usually indicates a causal relationship. You haven't really touched on the causal relationship at this point. "The lights went out due to the severe thunderstorm."
Alternative: After the long wait to take the exam, students await their personal results in the mail and their aggregate results in the news. Sometimes extraordinary personal results also make the news.
Because of the situation, people believe that the improvement of their children's knowledge is based on the examinations.
Pros. You examine the issue more closely.
Cons. "Because" indicates a causal relationship. Be more specific in the causal relationship.
Alternative: Following the media circus, the majority of parents now believe that their children's ___ scores reflect their ____ instead of _______.
But, do the successful students can really think outside of the box?
Pros: Good question.
Cons: Don't start a sentence in a formal essay with "but."
"Outside the box" is a cliche, which means that it is an overused expression. Try to avoid it.
Alternative: See below.
Or do they can be the next generation who invent a sports car that can be move under the water?
Pros: Another good question.
Cons: Try to combine with the above sentence. Both questions are really the same.
Alternative:
Others would argue that the focus of the ___ examination is too narrow, leaving out the inventors--the risk takers.
Would ____ scores reflect a genius for building underwater sports cars?
Do repetitive ____ examination drills dull the inventive senses?
A public examination is not necessarily will produce the generation with a good thinker.
Pros: You restate what you said earlier.
Cons: Your thesis statement needs more energy. It is more boring than the question. You are agreeing with the question, but your previous statements were not.
Alternative: Schools place too much emphasis on ___ examination drills and not enough on thought-producing activities. As a result, today's learners are not thinkers.
While the ____ examination weeds out poorly prepared students, it has little predictive value in determining which students have genius ability, and which do not. The thinkers of today may be left out tomorrow.
2) Many Malaysian viewers feel that censorship laws are too strict and should be abolished. Do you agree?
The government or certain organizations do really have the right to censor and remove certain forms of media by their own beliefs?
Alternatives:
The Malaysian government views censorship as a right, a necessary evil in order to maintain the status quo.
(You could start with a quote by a Malaysian government official.)
Media outlets feel the tight grip that the Malaysian government exerts over their day-to-day activities.
Or these decisions should be left up to you and that adults and parents should be making the decisions on what they themselves and their children should be watching and hearing?
Alternatives:
Others feel that censorship is best left to individuals or parents.
The result is a homogenization of the news, a filtered government factory product.
Some people believe that this is true and others like the government and other types of organizations believe that these restrictions and limits must be pressed on the media to protect their households from types of media that they feel may be inappropriate to them.
On the other hand, the Malaysian government believes that these restrictions must be forced upon the media to protect citizens from types of media they label "______."
However, the censorship in the media is too strict and not well handled that have to be abolished.
This term, "________" media, is more of propagandist tool than an actual threat to the nation. The real threat to Malaysia is censorship by its government.
