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Retreat; The city had finally fallen to the invaders!


chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Aug 23, 2013   #1
Hello,

I was just messing around with this story of mine, and it is not closed to be finished at all. It is just a 1st draft and I was wondering if it was good by any means, in terms of its appeal. Did it bring you in? Grammar I can deal with later, but now I just want to see if you like it or not. Please don't sugar coat anything though. :) Thank you!

RETREAT
The city had finally fallen to the invaders. I let out a cry of rage as the flames spread like wildfire and lit up the night. The cries of the wounded echoed through the husky air and from the unending darkness came one word-"Retreat!" Out of the corner of my eye, one of our archers snarled at an enemy invader, sticking an arrow in its behind before retreating. The enemy yelled in victory as they charged us, waving swords, axes, and all manner of weapons. And then I saw him. Feragho. Feragho the Assassin.

He sat upon a horse, his heaving shoulders, muscular build, dark red eyes, and permanent sneer clearly marked him out as a king of evil. He smirked at the retreating army and his eyes shone the color of blood. He opened his mouth, which was dry, and his grotesque lips opened to a cry which wrenched the air.

"Feragho!"
The army echoed after him, yelling like the pigs they were. I looked around at the chaos. There were soldiers with blood pouring out of their mouths, taking their last breaths of life-giving air. There were soldiers with their limbs shot apart, lying on the ground, whispering the names of their loved ones. They had fought bravely but had to face the ultimate cost in the end. And then I knew what I had to do. I drew a breath and I shouted, "To arms, my citymen! To arms! Rally to me!" A few warriors turned back in my direction, but many others hesitated, staring at the seemingly never-ending ranks of enemy warriors. We were scattered, like leaves on the wind, outnumbered 3 to 1, but I would not let my precious city fall so ignominiously. We would fight, and the battle would come down to quality over quantity. Our warriors were battle-hardened and experienced, as our enemy, but they had soon breached our walls. The enemy laughed and hooted at our weary soldiers, mocking us. The faces of our warriors hardened, and everyone walked up to me, bracing themselves for the end of all time. Our phalanx method was very effective, but against so many an enemy, I did not know how long it would hold. An eerie silence fell on the city as we stared at the opposing enemy. And then I broke rank and abandoned the phalanx method, charging straight at Feragho. I knocked him off his horse and startled, Feragho tumbled to the ground, but recovered quickly. He decapitated the horse with a single slash of his sword.
OP chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Aug 24, 2013   #2
Help! Edited again- please give suggestions.

Father, you are avenged
The city had finally fallen to the invaders. I let out a cry of rage as the flames spread like wildfire and lit up the night. The cries of the wounded echoed through the husky air and from the unending darkness came one word-"Retreat!" Out of the corner of my eye, one of our archers snarled at an enemy invader, sticking an arrow in its behind before retreating. I saw King Melenaeus fleeing with royal guard, ordering our soldiers to retreat. That stupid old pig, I thought. The enemy yelled in victory as they charged us, waving swords, axes, and all manner of weapons. And then I saw him. Feragho. Feragho the Assassin.

He sat upon a horse, his heaving shoulders, muscular build, dark red eyes, and permanent sneer clearly marked him out as a king of evil. He smirked at the retreating army and his eyes shone the color of blood. And then I stared down at the body before him. It was my father. His black hair was mussed over and he was gasping for air, whispering my name hoarsely- Vilu Daskar, Vilu. And then his final cry screeched through the air-"AVENGE ME, MY SON!"

Feraghp opened his mouth, and his grotesque lips opened to a cry which wrenched the air, and lifted his bloody double bladed sword into the air.

"Feragho!"
The army echoed after him, yelling like the pigs they were. I looked around at the chaos. There were soldiers with blood pouring out of their mouths, taking their last breaths of life-giving air. There were soldiers with their limbs shot apart, lying on the ground, whispering the names of their loved ones. They had fought bravely but had to face the ultimate cost in the end. I remembered my father's final brave stand. And then I knew what I had to do. I drew a breath and I shouted, "To arms, my citymen! To arms! Rally to me!" A few warriors turned back in my direction, but many others hesitated, staring at the seemingly never-ending ranks of enemy warriors. We were scattered, like leaves on the wind, outnumbered 3 to 1, but I would not let my precious city fall so ignominiously. We would fight, and the battle would come down to quality over quantity. Our warriors were battle-hardened and experienced, as our enemy, but they had soon breached our walls. The enemy laughed and hooted at our weary soldiers, mocking us. The faces of our warriors hardened, and everyone walked up to me, bracing themselves for the end of all time. Our phalanx method was very effective, but against so many an enemy, I did not know how long it would hold. An eerie silence fell on the city as we stared at the opposing enemy. And then I broke rank and abandoned the phalanx method, charging straight at Feragho. I knocked him off his horse and startled, Feragho tumbled to the ground, but recovered quickly. He decapitated the horse with a single slash of his sword, having no use for the beast. The horse gasped its last breath and thudded to the ground with finality. I moved fast, whirling my sword in a figure of eight movement as we circled each other. He attacked;I blocked. I hacked at his shoulder; he ducked and thrust at me. I blocked his thrust and tried a trick my now deceased father had taught me. Time stood still as I twirled my sword in a circle, knocking his sword out of his hands and thrusting my sword into his chest. He gasped in surprise and fell to the ground. I stood, and shouted to the ranks of the enemy- Is there anyone else?! Is there anyone else?!!!!!!!!

They looked at me through their eyes, but in them I could see doom and fear lurking there. None moved forward to challenge me, and my weary soldiers charged heroically. The enemy fled, but a the last possible minute, an arrow thudded into my heart. I gasped, staring at the archer who had shot the arrow. The enemy archer smiled evilly, and with a shock of surprise, I realized it was the same archer who had murdered my mother. And when he killed her, and when my father rushed into the scene, he had said, "One by one. I shall wipe out the royal race of Daskar until people yell my name in mightiness- Nukpano!"

I threw my sword like a spear, and though my target was far, I aimed true and he fell. My last words were- Father, you are avenged!"
conor1to9 1 / 1 1  
Aug 28, 2013   #3
- I struggle to imagine a decapitated horse taking a last gasp

- I am not a great reader of the genre, but I can't help but feel it is a little generic, and convenient. By that I mean, epic battle, hero turning the tide of battle, hero avenges fathers death, hero slain by mothers killer, hero can throw a sword true (with arrow in chest) the same distance as an archer can shoot. It doesn't feel unique at all. Try to make the hero less perfect.

The theme of revenge overused in this genre. While its great for cheesy backstory for a bad videogame, maybe try focusing on something more applicable to today's world like corruption and family betrayal.

Your English seems good to me, although mine is terrible. In fact you could improve it by commenting on my essay ;) (Scholarship application for Germany)
madisongreen 2 / 8  
Aug 28, 2013   #4
What is your purpose in writing the story. By that I mean you need to have exigence (something that you feel you must tell the world that is burning inside you). You should try to figure that out first and then write the story to express that something. Often times stories are lessons that the authors want to teach readers. Think of some of your favorite books/novels and odds are they taught you something you hadn't considered before.
OP chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Aug 29, 2013   #5
Hello Madisongreen and connor, (please reply)

thank you so much for your replies! But do you think my writing is very bad here? I guess I really want to express the corruption fighting can cause and how it can spread easily and the devastation it causes. But mainly it was for fun, but I might submit for a contest or something. Does it draw you in?
madisongreen 2 / 8  
Aug 30, 2013   #6
I like the concept of the story and I don't think anyone's writing is truly bad, rather they just haven't harnessed their writing capabilities yet. To me it's like saying there is such a thing as a stupid question.

"to express the corruption fighting can cause and how it can spread easily and the devastation it causes"--this is your exigence. with this in mind one could evaluate the story better.

there are some unanswered questions and background info that I think would add to the plot of your story.
-what did the bad guy do that makes him the bad guy other than killing dad?
-what is the proof that the invaders are the corrupt side? for all I know it might be the narrators side (that would be an interesting story, one from the "enemy's" point of view)

-why is the king considered a stupid pig, he never did anything that I saw to deserve that
-I'm a little confused about how the situation turned from the chaos of dying bodies everywhere to complete silence
-I cant quite picture the setting completely. at first I see them invading a castle but when you describe dad and rallying together and breaking the ranks to attack, I see more of a open field. Maybe be more

specific about where everything is happening within the city.
-When describing a battle scene it is important to be as exact as possible. when they're fighting and you say something about using a trick taught by dad, I have no idea what that trick is.

-I don't know where the archer or mother came from.
-I don't know who the narrator is. The only reason I say this is because I find myself asking Why him?
-why are they fighting?
-What happens next? there is so much left that is unknown.
-I think you should name the city. Makes it sound more personal to the narrator and to the reader.

Most of my input involves some more backstory, which may would help in getting the right emotion for the climax (the battle). I just cant get my mindset into war in the beginning without having a reason to.

Try to think of a theme or two or three that you really want to get across. I honestly didn't see corruption or devastation in the story. I saw courage and bravery, or sacrifice. It isn't over a long enough period of time to really evoke devastation and it lacks a backstory to explain corruption.

I think that you could really go somewhere with this, and I like a lot of your descriptions. You could go for an epic hero sort of thing with a tragic ending. or maybe you could go with something totally different from the enemies perspective (I just really like that idea and I might write about it myself).

When writing it just picture the whole thing as a movie in your head. think about what would make sense to happen and the reasons behind those happenings. also really paint pictures in your head of the people, atmosphere, emotions. and describe everything as accurately as possible from the narrator's perspective.

Just some food for thought.
penparker 1 / 4  
Sep 2, 2013   #7
One good story, you carried me with it.. with the action scenes and dramas..
but we have to know why the characters were fighting. is this a long-term battle or something? i guess you have to at least clear the setting.. what, where, when and why? but that aside.. it's a wonderful piece..
OP chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Sep 2, 2013   #8
thank you. but did you read the second post? That was my revised one. Do you think it caught your attention? the enemies were invading the castle.

Madisongreen thank you so much! I will take your advice and follow through with it
fareena 1 / 2  
Sep 11, 2013   #9
These are really awsome lines,you have said.


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