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Revision Help in Miami; economic success and cultural and industrial diversity in Florida


Nov 27, 2006   #1
is there a place I can go to where I can discuss my work with someone professional. I have a 4000 word research paper and I don't think it's fair to post something so lengthy and extensive. I have one on feminism in Tokyo and the influence of the urban space on the movement, another on Bruegel, 16th century painter and interpretting his work in relation to the reformation and the religious political movements in Antwerp where he lived for a while.

Here's my final draft, hows it look?

How's the flow and conclusion?
the help is very much appreciated!! :-)

(all sources are cited in my copy.)
The economic success and cultural and industrial diversity that exists today in Florida is due to the investments made in the late 19th and early 20th century by the great robber barons of that period. Many key players were involved in the development of certain cities in Florida and the state itself. As fate would have it, Henry Morison Flagler would live long enough to carry Florida far enough economically and socially to become what in my opinion it is today, one of the nation's modernized, highly developed, and diversified states. His vision for a winter getaway in Florida set into motion a chain of events that made the state the prosperous and diverse place it is today.

Mr. Flagler did not come from a wealthy family. His father did not make enough money to support the family and Flagler left home early to work and contribute. A firm work ethic and determination carried him far in life. Flagler's exemplary efforts soon became apparent to one of his first employers and as a result his pay rate was raised from $5 per week to $12 per week in only ten months!

Having adapted quickly to the commercial world Flagler soon began taking steps to build his empire. Through the course of his life, he was able to learn business strategies that would make him a major mogul of the 19th and early 20th century. He built significant business connections with highly successful men and saved money for his future investments. At only 22 years of age, he was already a partner in Harkness and Company. He built a great business reputation for astuteness and ingenuity that preceded him and secured his place and status in the business world.

Flagler was fortunate enough to suffer from unsuccessful business decisions very early in his career. The business world was then, and still is today, a forever-shifting domain. Experience and knowledge are among some of the important attributes needed to succeed. Flagler attempted to enter the salt business and invested a significant amount of money in it. Unfortunately, this venture failed and left him indebted to his family, who paid a large sum to cover his loses. Taking with him the knowledge he acquired from these experiences he persevered in nearly every business venture and never again suffered any significant losses like that of his failed salt venture.

After recovering from the loss and paying all his debtors he continued, no more wisely, to take up new projects. Collaborating with John D. Rockefeller and Samuel Andrews, Flagler made his fortune in the oil business and soon after reorganized their company to the Standard Oil Company, monopolizing the industry under their combined leadership. He was an aggressive business man, admired by his peers for his success and abilities.

Flagler had not intended on conquering Florida, he was satisfied with his established businesses, and came in 1878 only to escape the harsh northern weather and help with his wife's health. That would change, because following a second visit, this time to St. Augustine with his second wife (his first wife had passed), he found the accommodations there unsuitable for a person of his caliber. The following year, "in 1885 he began construction of the Ponce de Leon Hotel which would become the flagship of a chain of luxury hotels along the east coast of Florida."

Initially, Flagler intended to create suitable lodging that he and his peers could enjoy while visiting the state in the winter. This was the beginning of Flagler's Florida; he would soon take over the state's east coast and name his business empire after its geographic location, the Florida East Coast companies. His business empire consisted of prized, luxury hotels and the latest technological advances in railroad lines that transported his "wealthy winter clientele from the North."

At first, Florida government, under the governorship of Bloxham, was supportive of Flagler and afforded him preferential treatment. The Internal Improvement Board (IIB) was created in 1851. In 1855 the Internal Improvement Fund was created to replace the IIB and it was given more legislative authority. The IIF gave incentive to railroad companies, giving them 3840 acres for each mile of completed railroad tract. Following the Civil War came the financial ruin of many of the railroads that were deep in debt. Due to such financial difficulties affecting Florida's economy the state government at the time was happy to accommodate someone like Mr. Flagler, who could put much needed moneys back into the failing business systems in Florida.

Unfortunately, the cordial business relationship between Mr. Flagler and the state's government would not last. He had many difficulties with a corrupt government. One person in particular, Governor William Sherman Jennings (in office 1901-1905), made it his purpose in office to undo and prevent any of Flagler's business ventures in the state. He had to outsmart some highly influential individuals and organizations in Florida who were adamantly apposed to Flagler's plans for the state. Entrepreneurs who felt threatened by him created barriers and intended to manipulate the state's government against Mr. Flagler. Furthermore, the state's government was complex, inefficient, ineffective, and lacked direction.

Always prepared to meet a challenge, Mr. Flagler quickly put his trusted lieutenant, James E. Ingraham, to work on some of the legal issues involving the acquisition of land. The IIF continuously attempted to thwart Flagler's efforts and denied him the deeds to lands that had been promised to him. The State Attorney General, Park Trammell, ruled in favor of Flagler and the IIF was forced to give 67,000 acres that had been owed to him and 210,000 acres of land for other claims. Additionally, Flagler had been obtaining lands "through other corporate identities" and in this way, he was able to take his railroad to the southern most point of Florida, Key West. He continued with other business ventures in transportation and hotels, most notably the various Florida East Coast companies. Henry Morison Flagler accomplished nearly every objective he intended in the state, making Florida's east coast a vacation getaway with all the most luxurious conveniences available, and forever improving upon the state economy.

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Nov 27, 2006   #2
Hi there,

Do you need your work proofread or revised (revamped)? If you don't want to post it on our forums, you may send it to info@essayforum.com and we'll see what can be done.

Please note, however, that "offline requests" for assistance may require a fee.

EssayForum.com
Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! A little tweak here and there, and it will be even better.

I'll list the things you might want to look at:

"Many key players were involved in the development of certain cities in Florida and the state itself, however, as fate would have it, Henry Morison Flagler would live long enough to carry Florida far enough economically and socially to become what in my opinion it is today, one of the nations modernized, highly developed, and diversified states."

This is really two sentences. I suggest putting a period after "itself" and starting a new sentence with "As fate would have it." "Nations" needs an apostrophe, since it's possessive.

"Flagler's exemplary efforts soon became apparent to one of his first employers, as a result his pay rate was raised from $5 per week to $12 per week in only ten months!"

Either change the comma to a semi-colon ";" or insert the word "and" before "as a result . . . "

"Through the course of his life that he was able to learn business strategies that would make him a major mogul of the 19th and early 20th century."

Take out the first "that." (You probably didn't mean for it to be there anyway!)

"Collaborating with John D. Rockefeller and Samuel Andrews, Flagler made his fortune in the oil business and soon after reorganized their company to the Standard Oil Company and monopolized the industry under their leadership."

That sentence would read more smoothly if you ended it: "the Standard Oil Company, monopolizing the industry under their leadership."

"Flagler an aggressive business man, admired by his peers for his success and abilities "

These are probably just typos, but you need to insert "was" after "Flagler" and put a period at the end of the sentence.

"Taking the wisdom of experience with him he persevered in nearly every business venture and never again suffered any significant losses like that of the salt business."

Did I miss the earlier reference to a failed salt business? :-)

"The oil magnate first came to Florida in 1878 to escape the harsh northern weather and help his wife's health. Flagler had not intended on conquering Florida, however, after a second visit to the state with his second wife to Augustine; the next year, "in 1885 he began construction of the Ponce de Leon Hotel which would become the flagship of a chain of luxury hotels along the east coast of Florida."

I think this paragraph is suffering from cut-and-paste confusion. If the second sentence is the way you want it, the comma after "Florida" needs to be changed to a semi-colon. As for the rest, you know best what you meant to say.

"In Florida, he had many difficulties with corrupt government and one man in particular, Governor William Sherman Jennings (in office 1901-1905)
made it his purpose in office to undo and prevent any of Flagler's business ventures in the state."

This sentence needs commas after "government" and after the dates in parentheses.

"The IIB was created in 1851, in 1855 the IIF was created to replace the IIB and it held more legislative authority."

I would make this 2 sentences: ". . . in 1851. In 1855 . . ." I would also replace "it held" with "was given."

"The IIF gave incentive to railroad companies giving them 3840 acres of railroad tract laid."

Needs a comma after "companies." Did you mean to say "already laid"?

"Due to such financial difficulties haunting Florida's economy the state government at the time was happy to accommodate someone like Mr. Flagler who could put much needed moneys back into the failing business systems in Florida."

Insert a comma after "Mr. Flagler."

Just one last thing: there are a couple of unattributed quotes in here; do you intend to cite them, or are they part of an autobiography or other type of book you are summarizing (in which case they don't need a citation, since the reader knows where they come from).

I think that these minor tweaks are all your essay really needs. Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
Nov 28, 2006   #4
Thank you very very much for your help, I made the adjustments you suggested and switched one paragraph I felt was out of place.
Some of the incomplete sentences were there because I forgot where I was going.
I cut and paste my essay and it seems some things were not pasted exactly, like the indenting before paragraphs.
The quotes are cited on my copy I'm using chicago style, so I guess the footnotes did not show up. However, I'm still going to double check. I can't afford any plagarism problems so close to graduating.

I'm working on adding the failed salt business incident to keep that sentence in there.
Are there any issues I didn't address or explain adequately.
Also can I post my final draft one more time to double check?
Again thank you so much for your help...
Greetings!

Sounds like you've got it well under control. I'm glad you're double checking the citations; that never hurts!

I think you explained everything very well. If you're adding in the salt business thing, that should take care of the content.

Feel free to re-post the final product for proofing. A second set of eyes always helps. I may not be around until tomorrow morning, but I'll look for it then. And--you're welcome!

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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