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Writing admission and application essays for graduate school (page 61)

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Statement of Purpose to KENT STATE MSFE

2 - It's awfully long, given the relative paucity of content. Try to cut down on the verbiage by eliminating...

Graduatemrchildchild - Sep 26, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
'Patient interaction' - University of Chicago Medical school Secondary essay

5 - More likely, the pressure is making you try to write in fancy prose rather than simply saying what...

Graduatereader2011 - Sep 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
Improving the Legal System in Azerbaijan (law school statement of purpose)

4 - Use an actual subject and an action verb rather than "it is..." For example: To promote Azerbaijan's...

GraduateEminK - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009
"As a student at your business school "- boring?grammatically well constructed?

4 - Any other suggestions???...

Graduatecreation2k5 - Sep 23, 2009 / creation2k5 - Sep 24, 2009
"Modern High Frequency communication standards" - my Statement of Objectives to MIT

7 - I have to agree that the organization of the essay itself was not very strong. You start the essay...

Graduateuntonov - Sep 16, 2009 / reader2011 - Sep 23, 2009
MA in architecture motivation to a programme

2 - "Working in a team, I showed up leader skills and organized our work" I'm also somewhat confused by the...

Graduatebebert - Sep 20, 2009 / mikowoo - Sep 20, 2009
Master's in Marine Science - Graduate Statement of Purpose

3 - No, no... the beginning image is perfect. You just need to make it even more vivid by using action...

Graduatebpic698 - Sep 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 17, 2009
'in different capacities' - AMCAS Essay

5 - Thanks for the feedback. I will make the correction and repost. This really is a very useful and helpful...

Graduatereader2011 - Sep 15, 2009 / reader2011 - Sep 17, 2009
Mating Rituals in the Wild (Addmission essay for MS is biology)

3 - Nothing too great with a very boring first half. ^I would have been more specific with my feedback,...

GraduateKahollavan81 - Sep 17, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 17, 2009
University's Master of Science in Bioscience Regulatory Affairs (SoP)

6 - Right. We'll be happy to help you write your own statement, though. Just tell us a bit more about...

Graduatedarclai - Sep 10, 2008 / EF_Simone - Sep 16, 2009
'technical responsibilities in military' Statement of Purpose - GT Grad School Essay

4 - Wow, we don't see many robotics students quoting Bernice Johnson Reagon! You ought to get points just for that!...

Graduatebrandongroff - Sep 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 16, 2009
Industrial engineering for NGOs [My grad school essay (not very poetic)]

2 - Presumably, your name is on your application. Omit this. Presumably, your transcripts will be included in...

Graduatesicologus - Sep 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 16, 2009
"the diversity of experiences and skills" - Statement of Purpose

4 - Thanks alot for taking the time to read my SoP and pointing at the really important facts that I...

Graduateyghafory - Sep 15, 2009 / yghafory - Sep 15, 2009
This is another step; Pediatric nurse practitioner admissions

2 - For the most part, this essay is strong. To make it stronger, avoid wordy constructions (e.g., "tend to disagree"...

Graduatels8709 - Sep 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 15, 2009
'Life without light, gas, food..' - diversity statement for law school

7 - Right. And draft 2 is much weaker than draft 1. As a law school diversity statement. I didn't...

Graduateaseriousmission - Sep 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 11, 2009
Really need a good Topic related in Financial Derivative market for master degre

4 - If you have made it to the Masters level, one sincerely hopes you have both the interest and the...

Graduategx2009 - Sep 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 8, 2009
Europe Masters program admission Essays (your motivation to enter the programme)

4 - Thanks a lot for ur views...

Graduatensdhanju - Sep 8, 2009 / nsdhanju - Sep 8, 2009
Thorough and critical review needed for PhD for Global Health SOP

4 - Thank you..I appreciate your comments and will expand on the purpose....

Graduatejtsg97 - Aug 31, 2009 / jtsg97 - Sep 7, 2009
SOME PEOPLE THINK SCIENTIFIC WORK ON PLANTS AND FOOD IS GOOD OR BAD. DISCUSS

3 - I'm guessing that you are referring to biotechnology (also known as genetic engineering). Nobody thinks that scientific work on...

Graduateniraj - Sep 6, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 7, 2009
SOP part for extra co-curricular activity - Ph.D

4 - You don't need the capital letters here. "I was recognized for Paper Presentation in a National Level...

Graduaterohi - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 7, 2009
SOP for MS Computer science

3 - Beyond getting a degree (which I could guess from the fact of your application alone) what is your purpose?...

GraduateNEHALB - Sep 6, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 7, 2009
MBA behavioral essay: "Went beyond what was defined"

4 - I notice you've got a lot of "to be" verbs in your first paragraph. This goes towards what Liebe...

Graduatemksnake - Sep 5, 2009 / catalyst0435 - Sep 5, 2009
Graduated from Marketing. SOP for masters in Communication

8 - No, sorry, but see the Terms of Service for your options....

Graduatedream - Aug 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 3, 2009
Need someone to read &critique this SOP..applying for doctoral program in slp

5 - Yes, it seems fine, especially if you have already had contact with professors in the program and they are...

Graduateanagha - Aug 31, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 3, 2009
PhD - Social Work Research

13 - Great sentence! Thanks Sean!...

Graduatekdm504 - Aug 18, 2009 / kdm504 - Aug 31, 2009
"The burgeoning field of Computer Science" - my Statement of Purpose

6 - The highlighted portion seems fine to me. As I understand it, parallel computing is particularly hot right now and...

GraduateM Ehsan ul Haq - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 30, 2009
'My management team and my prospects' - Baker College Admission Essay for Doctorate

3 - Skip the first line. Go through what you have now, editing ruthlessly to take out anything you don't need....

Graduatetinamiller1 - Aug 28, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 28, 2009
Personal statement fot Residency (Medicine)

6 - I have seen they like specifics as well as introducing yourself. Like you are going to an interview and...

Graduatesabinanb - Aug 25, 2009 / tinamiller1 - Aug 28, 2009
Research Exerience and Plans

4 - I would replace this -- which doesn't really say anything -- with a sentence that summarizes the research...

GraduateM Ehsan ul Haq - Aug 26, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 27, 2009
MScR in Water Resource Engineering - admission essay for Oxford

3 - Thanks Sean,it really helped me drafting the last part. Regards Hyat...

Graduatemuhammadhayat86 - Aug 21, 2009 / muhammadhayat86 - Aug 24, 2009
Law School Personal Statement (seeking enrollment in Harvard Law School)

4 - Then you certainly shouldn't imply otherwise. Maybe you could say that while you found the subject fascinating and...

GraduateOmbreGracieuse - Aug 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 23, 2009
"Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement

9 - Pay attention to your sentence structure. The first part, before it is offset with the comas, needs to...

Graduatediana_pencheva - Aug 18, 2009 / Notoman - Aug 21, 2009
Master of Finance - Statement of Intent Essay; 'Paul approached me...'

10 - "Instead , Kevin kept using his vast knowledge in the technology industry to persuade the fund managers to review...

Graduatemymsfstudy - Jul 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 17, 2009
"My technical focus" - MBA Essay Review

6 - The example is your first sentence. Who or what is the subject of that sentence? A stint. According to...

Graduateprasun8463 - Aug 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 13, 2009
"consistent hard work" - Statement of Purpose: Computer Science

7 - I think so. I think it will intrigue the reader....

GraduateJeba - Aug 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 13, 2009
Globalization of healthcare; responsibilites parents -Medical school essays Help

2 - Both of these essays are very strong in content. I invite everyone to help you fix up the grammar....

GraduateDanistheman - Aug 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 12, 2009
What do you consider your most significant life achievement (travel to Pakistan)

4 - Liebe There is a word Limit of 200 so I did not have much to show personal...

Graduateprasun8463 - Aug 12, 2009 / prasun8463 - Aug 12, 2009
Grad School Statement of Purpose Critique (passion for academics and researc)

11 - You're very welcome! To show your gratitude, pitch in and help somebody else with their essay. There are quite...

Graduatemallik777 - Aug 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 10, 2009
Essay for a MAS in Basel, Switzerland

3 - ^Take Simone's point to consideration on the first sentence. What was it in those ten modules that made...

GraduateDindi - Aug 4, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 5, 2009
SOP- MS Human Computer Interaction

2 - You have a very strong background with a great deal of relevant experience. In order to make sure that...

Graduatedesigningsally - Jul 30, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 30, 2009
Krannert and the Purdue - SOP for Phd in Finance

7 - Well, I want to add some transition words to make paragraphs more coherent....

Graduatecinderellaaa - Jul 28, 2009 / cinderellaaa - Jul 29, 2009
"Pursuit of knowledge" - My SOP for Software Engineering

8 - Start by saying what aspect of software engineering you want to research, and then narrow it down from there....

GraduateMahabub - Jul 22, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 29, 2009
'failure is bound to occur' - PTCAS Doctorate of Physical Therapy

7 - By "tightening," I mean get rid of superfluous words and phrases: One day, a chemistry professor was giving...

Graduateeseguia - Jul 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 25, 2009
MBA - Career Progess and Goal Essay

9 - Start with the paragraph that begins with the quote. After telling the story of your work with the trust...

Graduatestoic - Jul 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 25, 2009
MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay

9 - Hi, As the essay did not bring out the challenging situation clearly, I have revised it and...

Graduatefsajjad - Jul 13, 2009 / fsajjad - Jul 25, 2009
Masters Statement in life science

5 - My new purpose of staement please see if this is better thank you in advance! The molecular biology...

Graduatejayb - Jul 20, 2009 / jayb - Jul 22, 2009
Specific short-term career goals - MBA Admission Essay

4 - Try to say everything you do now in your essay, but in about 70% of the current word count....

Graduateefgeorge18 - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 18, 2009
PhD sop - life sciences

NEW - hi all I am applying for a phd in life sciences and have attached my sop below, please...

Graduatenavindavid - Jul 16, 2009 / — -
Law School Admission Essay with Special Circumstances

2 - The term "a statistic" usually refers to somebody who is a high-school dropout or a drug addict or...

Graduatejme - Jul 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 16, 2009
Personal statement for Masters degree in Chemical Engineering help

5 - It's not bad at all, but a little bit dull. This essay is supposed to show individuality and give...

Graduateengr_tahir - Jul 15, 2009 / Thenlizzwasall - Jul 15, 2009
SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering

14 - Ah, yes, I see. Coming at the end of your penultimate paragraph, it's easy to miss. I'd highlight it...

Graduatereddevil_owen - Jul 6, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 10, 2009
Career objectives for Electonics and instrumentation engineer

6 - And in addition to the "what," you might want to touch on the "why". Why are you drawn to...

Graduateindrprt480 - Jul 2, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 5, 2009
Advice Needed: Letter of Intent for Public Administration (MPA) admission

5 - Don't say that. It is far too vague to be of use. You could as easily want to...

GraduateKaella - Jul 2, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
Essay on different programmes (English, Finance, Global Studies)

4 - thanks a lot for advices!!!I make over my essay!...

Graduatemellory - Jun 29, 2009 / mellory - Jun 30, 2009
Statement of Objectives (Supply Chain Management department)

4 - AS I often advice people posting in these forums, try using stronger verbs. Your main verb is often a...

Graduateasap - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 30, 2009
"Where there's a will there's a way" - help me revise the Statement of Purpose

5 - You are from Iran? Cheetori? Khobam? That is as good as my Farsi gets....

Graduatemarzieh - Jun 22, 2009 / Liebe - Jun 26, 2009
'I joined a worldwide leading service oilfield company' - SOP for Master in Petroleum Engineering

4 - You need a stronger intro, too. "Since I was in High School I had a profound interest for Science...

Graduatemune - Jun 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 20, 2009
Law School Personal Statement ("I am a fighter.")

11 - You seem to want to do something involving human rights. That's nice. In fact, it is like the concept...

Graduatejeyz - Jun 10, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 19, 2009
Conflict resolution and peace study - Statement of Purpose for PhD in IR

4 - You guys are good. Thanks much....

Graduatekevinp - Jun 5, 2009 / kevinp - Jun 19, 2009
Post-graduation Statement of Purpose

22 - Thank you Simone....

Graduate02nishessh - Jun 12, 2009 / Rajiv - Jun 18, 2009

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