This is my rough draft. Any suggestions or comments will be helpful.
Prompt: The X school culture relies on all members to be active contributors to our community. How will you contribute to the X Community? Please feel free to include examples from the past or ideas for the future.
In a few weeks, I'm scheduled to speak to a group of students about growing their student chapter. They are interested in knowing why I joined the National Association of Black Accountants (NABA), why I became Student Member Service (SMS) Director, why I chose Accounting as a profession, and why I advocate Financial Literacy. The short, yet truthful, answer would be because of opportunities like these. The more holistic answer is, collectively they fulfill what I believe to be one of my life's purpose.
Accounting has been my saving grace. At one point in my life I had no real direction. I only knew I wanted more than my environment had to offer me. A retired Accountant also school teacher, Ms. Thomas, introduced me to accounting. I took an immediate liking to it and knew it was the right path for me. It made sense and the understanding excited me. With every class, every year completed, I grew stronger and more knowledgeable applying the teachings to make changes in my personal life. This process has shown me that if you can make healthy and progressive financial decisions, you can lead a better quality life.
I took that very philosophy to my church. It was after a particular sermon, when I addressed the church and that was the beginning of Financial Boot Camp. My boot camp met an hour a week minimum for five weeks. We began with Credit Calisthenics and completed the modules with ___. I addressed credit and its importance, short-term and long-term goal setting, observing current financial status through personal balance sheets, planning and shedding through budgets and forecast worksheets, and building through saving and investing. I worked closely with an Elder's wife. At the time I measured the workshops success by the number of questions per participant. Even today, the participants who inquired the most also exercise the best care in terms of their financial health. As much as they enjoy having me, I enjoy being a part of their growth.
Since the conception of Financial Boot Camp, I have aligned myself with programs and organizations that support and advocate financial literacy particularly for the African American community. For the past two years I have presented Credit 101 to eleventh and twelfth graders as part of the Urban Youth Action's Financial Literacy program. My presentations are open forum format discussing the next few years of their life; how entering into college also enters them into the Credit world. The platform focuses on establishing, maintaining, as well as utilizing credit as an investment tool. Through interactive role play I'm able to evaluate the students understanding of the cycle and use of credit. Role play consists of two students acting as a Borrower with a few escalating credit scenarios. One student controls the credit bureau informing borrowers of information gathered and manipulating credit scores utilizing a Fico board I've created, and the remaining students act as lenders deciding if credit should be extended and why. Role play is extremely rewarding because the students are so animated and expressive during the exercise.
NABA has been another key vehicle in my professional development. Through NABA I met my first mentor who helped me transition from a paraprofessional to professional, my mentor not only gave me his time and wisdom, he also put me in contact with other NABA members who live the NABA motto daily "Lifting as we climb." This is why I became the SMS Director, to ensure the accounting and finance field gains passionate, bright, and supported minority members who see the value in giving back.
Continuing my efforts, I hope to bring NABA to X. I strongly believe because NABA is such a solid organization with a wealth of philanthropic professionals it has so much more to offer students no matter what stage they are in their academic and professional career.
You need to make this essay more exciting. You seem to really enjoy accounting, and the idea of Financial boot camp and the of roleplaying in it could be very interesting. As it stands, though, your writing falls a bit flat. Perhaps you could include specific anecdotes from your experiences to demonstrate just how this camp worked, and what you learned from being a part of it, and how this ties in to what you hope to accomplish in graduate school. This would give you an essay that was both more focused and more entertaining. Good luck with the next draft.
Aside from Seans advice, here are a few minor fixes;
The more holistic answer is, collectively they fulfill what I believe to be one of my life's purposes .
A retired accountantalso a school teacher, Ms. Thomas, introduced me to accounting.
Since the conception of Financial Boot Camp, I have aligned myself with programs and organizations that support and advocate financial literacy, particularly for the African American community.
I strongly believe because NABA is such a solid organization with a wealth of philanthropic professionals it has so much more to offer students no matter what stage they are at in their academic and professional career.
The more holistic answer is that, collectively, they fulfill what I believe to be one of my life's purposes .
The first sentence is confusing, and that is why it doesn't start out interesting!
A retired accountant,also a school teacher, Ms. Thomas, introduced me to accounting.
Since the conception of Financial Boot Camp, I have aligned myself with programs and organizations that support and advocate financial literacy, particularly for the African American community.
Through NABA I met my first mentor who helped me transition from a paraprofessional to professional. My mentor not only gave me his time and wisdom, he also put me in contact with other NABA members who live the NABA motto daily "Lifting as we climb."
I strongly believe because NABA is such a solid organization with a wealth of philanthropic professionals, it has so much more to offer students no matter what stage they are at in their academic and professional career.
:)
Thank you..diligently working on it.
