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Aeromechanical and Material Design; How Master's in Mech Eng fulfills my future plans


strider 2 / 5  
Nov 15, 2012   #1
I have prepared my essay according to the following instructions, Please evaluate the essay for me.
The university demands for an essay of max. 250 words, whereas my essay size has reached to 310 words.
Do advise me on trimming the size.

A well written letter of motivation will focus on
yourself, and describe points that explain, in your own words, why you want to further your studies
in this programme, and how your interests and skills will contribute to your success in it, and to your
future career. You can think in the following questions:
ï‚ˇ Why are you interested in this programme and in the specialization option and mobility
scheme?
ï‚ˇ What are your career intentions and why are you interested in pursuing those career
choices?
ï‚ˇ What accomplishments in your academic, professional, or other related experience are you
most proud of and why?
ï‚ˇ How would a Master's Degree in this programme help you fulfil your future plans?
Your letter of motivation must be written in English and be maximum of 250 words.


As a child, I was always fascinated by how giant wheels, airplanes and automobiles work. This curiosity in machines increased as years passed by, and it was no surprise when I decided to pursue my undergraduate studies in Mechanical Engineering. At the end of 3 years of my bachelor studies, I belong to the top 5% of my department and I have also been nominated for a scholarship.

My inclination towards exploring new pathways in engineering helped me to prepare 2 research papers which were published in proceedings of International Conferences. This achievement has instilled confidence in me and has encouraged me to pursue a master's program. I have completed certified courses in Auto-Cad, Catia and Ansys from reputed institutes. I have also completed my industrial internship at LOPSL, Solapur. Working in the manufacturing and the assembly department, I got hands on experience in production, assembly and inspection of various pumps. Currently, I am working on my final year project "Design and Kinematic Analysis of Shoulder Joint", an interdisciplinary project which combines the study of biology along with mechanical engineering. In addition to this, I'm also assisting Prof. xxx with his doctoral project "Manufacturing of Low Cost CPM Machine".

xxx is a well structured and challenging program combined with an excellent opportunity to study in reputed consortium universities. The specialization option "Aeromechanical and Material Design" matches with my interest, where I can apply my strong design, materials and CAD/CAE knowledge to explore various research opportunities in turbomachinery applied in automobiles and power generation sectors. With growing energy crisis, focus on improved lightweight turbomachines to improve the power generation efficiency is need of the hour.

My technical preparation and background, combined with hardwork, zeal and perseverance will enable me to excel in the xxx program at the xxx and its consortium universities.

dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 17, 2012   #2
Some help for trimming down your word count:

This curiosity in machines increased as years passed by, and it was no surprise whengrew with time forming my strong passion forI decided to pursue my undergraduate studies in Mechanical Engineering.

--------------- I feel it's better you say how your passion developed

At the end of 3 years of myIn my bachelor studies, I belong tosecureda place in the top 5% of myMechanical Engineering department and I have also beengot
nominated for a scholarship.

This achievement has instilled confidence in me and has encouraged me to pursue a master's program.

Hope this helps
OP strider 2 / 5  
Nov 17, 2012   #3
Thanks a lot for your inputs !!
It helped me bring down my word count to 260 !!

Any more suggestions ??
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 17, 2012   #4
My inclination towards exploring new pathways in engineering helped me to prepare 2two(you can take advantage of the usage of word help which is not necessarily require you to have a ''to'' : D ) research papers which were published in proceedings of International Conferences. This achievement has instilled confidence in me and has encouraged me to pursue a master's program. I have completed certified courses in Auto-Cad, Catia and Ansys from reputed institutes. I have also completed my industrial internship at LOPSL, Solapur. Working in the manufacturing and the assembly department, I gotgained hands on experience in production, assembly and inspection of various pumps. Currently, I am working on my final year project "Design and Kinematic Analysis of Shoulder Joint", an interdisciplinary project which combines the study of biology along with mechanical engineering. In addition to thisFurther, I'm also assisting Prof. xxx with his doctoral project "Manufacturing of Low Cost CPM Machine".

xxx is a well structured and challenging program combined with an excellent opportunity to study in reputed consortium universities. The specialization option "Aeromechanical and Material Design" matches withsuites my interest,where I can apply my strong design, materials and CAD/CAE knowledge to explore various research opportunities in turbomachinery applied in automobiles and power generation sectors. With growing energy crisis, focus on improved lightweight turbomachines to improve thefor efficient(I guess the word efficient contains your whole idea) power generation efficiency is a need of the hour.

Hope this is helpful : )
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Nov 19, 2012   #5
This curiosity in machines grew with time forming my strong passion for Mechanical Engineering.

--------- I think it is already implied and hence you can take those two words off. : )

In my bachelor studies, I secured a place in the top 5% of Mechanical Engineering department and also got nominated for a scholarship.

Well.... this is a tricky sentence for me .... I feel it's worth taking a little bit of effort to re-phrase for this to continue the effect of your opening lines. They are really good. So I suggest;

This passion drove me to secure a place in the top xxx students in my batch and to win a scholarship. (hope you got the schol, otherwise you can change the last part) I think this line reduces your word count substantially : )
OP strider 2 / 5  
Nov 25, 2012   #6
Thank a lot !!
I have made the required changes !!
your feedbacks helped a lot..
regards,

Pranav


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