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Affordable housing for students of Claitown Univer. and a way to fund the building of such housing


monajha 5 / 8  
Aug 12, 2016   #1
Below is an argument eassay for GRE.

Claitown University needs both affordable housing for its students and a way to fund the building of such housing. The best solution to this problem is to commission a famous architect known for experimental and futuristic buildings. It is common knowledge that tourists are willing to pay money to tour some of the architect's buildings, so it can be expected that tourists will want to visit this new building. The income from the fees charged to tourists will soon cover the building costs. Furthermore, such a building will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. And even though such a building will be much larger than our current need for student housing, part of the building can be used as office space

The argument is about hiring an artichet and constructing a new building which will fulfill many purposes such as housing for the students, become tourist place, and can also office area. The the given statement it follows that Claitown University does not have enough found to construct a housing building for its students and thus relying on other factors to incur a tax. However, there are many loopholes in the given passage. The author is unable to convince that building will proof to be beneficial for Claitown University.

Firstly, the author speaks about hiring a famous architect known for experimental and futuristic buildings. Architect can charge heavy amount in return. Since, nothing is discussed about architect's pricing we do not know how much he will charge for constructing a new type of building.

Secondly, author says that the new building thus constructed will attract tourists and can collect heavy amount from them but the building is for student's housing and once occupied by the students, tourist might not even like to visit the place. In addition to that, author has not presented and crisp plan about the construction of the building. The new building thus constructed might not liked by the people. They would rather visit a place whivh is more natural. Thus, author's assumption of collecting fund from tourists seems to fail here.

Thirdly, author assumes that the new constructed building will attract new students and also donations from alumini. Here, again the plan about the building is missing. How much are they going to charge each student? What facilities are they going to provide the students? It is quite obvious that housing with less facilities and high cost will detract the customers and if the building is made available at low cost the students, it might go in loss. Thus, we need to have complete plan about the facilities and pricing of the building. The author is relying on alumini's donation but he has not cited any example of other universities where donations are given by alumini. Therefore, author's thought of collecting the fund from students and alumini seems to be vague.

Fourthly, author gives another idea of using the building for office purpose. This can be major turn-offs for the students and also corporate people. Corporate people would like the hire the office area in a commercial place not at the academic area in the same way students would like to reside at an academic area and at the commercial area. Thus, here also author lacks in proper planning

Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Aug 12, 2016   #2
Hi, Here are my suggestion ..I will be appreciate you can help me too

1.The the given
2. Architect can charge heavy amount in return., Since, nothing is discussed about architect's ...
3.you need comma before "But" Paragraph 2
4.you use "thus " more than 3 times in 1 paragraph
5.I could not find your conclusion.
again, these are my suggestion .may be some other member can help better
greenman210 2 / 3  
Aug 12, 2016   #3
... such as housing for the students, becomea tourist placeattraction , and can also be used as office area.

The the given statement it followsclaims that Claitown University does not have enough foundfunding to construct (...) relying on other factors to incur a tax . I didn't get the green part .

Its better to use "First", "First of all" rather than "Firstly".
I think you need more support for the first issue.
Replace "Heavy amount" with " Large amount", or something like that.

"thus constructed"??? I am not sure that it is correct "thus" like this. would you be kind to inform me why you used it here. Maybe there is something new for me to learn there. Thank you.

In addition to that , author has not presented and crisp???(maybe its better to say: " has not presented a plan for the construction..." plan about the construction of the building. The new building thus constructed might not BE (passive voice) liked by the people

What facilities are they going to provide for the students(or instead of for, "provide students with") ?

I think its better to use "First", "Secondly", "In addition, or Additionally", and "Finally" at the beginning of your paragraphs. In addition, it would be perfect if you had a conclusion paragraph.

This is my first activity in this website, so I would be more than happy if anybody points out my mistake in correcting this essay. Thanks in advance :)

Harold Wren


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