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Applying for a fellowship...


PROL1F1C 2 / 3  
Jan 8, 2007   #1
Ok I'm applying for a fellowship and since its been nearly ten years since I've been in school ALL of my work sounds elementary. I wrote my personal statement and now I'm stuck trying to write my Career Goals. I want to owner and operate a Community Development Center that provides underserved communities with opportunities. The center will focus on empowering resident to revitalize urban communities, build community wealth, seek home ownership, develop job skills, provide a safe haven for youth, and explore educational options. (yes that's from my goals statement). I'm not sure if my essays are fellowship worthy. Please HELP!!

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 8, 2007   #2
Greetings!

Don't be too hard on yourself, I think you have a good start here! You just need a good lead-in to it. Something like, "My career goals focus on providing opportunities for people in underserved communities through creation of a Community Development Center." I think I'd avoid using "own" and "operate"; to me, that sounds like a truck driver.

The sentence which starts "The center will focus on ..." is very good, but I'll just point out a couple of things. You want to say "empowering residents" (plural). Are all of the things you list a part of empowering residents? In other words, will you be empowering them to provide a safe haven for youth? If not, you need to put that in another sentence: "The center will also provide a safe haven for youth and allow them to explore educational options."

If you'd like to post the full essay here, I'd be glad to provide you with some more feedback!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP PROL1F1C 2 / 3  
Jan 9, 2007   #3
Well start here with the autobiographical statement and I'll work on the career goals and post by tomorrow. Any feedback is helpful. Thanks in advance.

When I was a child, I had dreams of being beautiful. In my young mind beautiful was reserved for the Olympic gymnast and figure skaters. I spent hours recreating their dance routines and dreamed of winning a gold medal. For my birthday, I only wanted to see the figure skaters at the local arena. I was destined to be beautiful.

My parents supported me in every endeavor. My father, an only child from an affluent family, greatest joy was bragging about my brother and me. My mother, on the other hand, is from a small town in Georgia with limited resources, a large family, and illiterate parents. Her only hopes were to provide us with opportunities greater than Georgia could afford.

Although my parents had to forgo higher education, they were able to achieve many accomplishments and provided my brother and me with far more opportunities then they received. It came to no surprise that my family was ecstatic in my interest in being "beautiful". They smiled with delight when I pranced around the living room for my weekly show of acrobats and angelic moves.

I received my first opportunity to join a gymnastics' team in the fourth grade. My competition had formal training and years of experiences in the sport. My parents were unaware of what it actually took to become a gymnast and I was without the guidance and exposure to the formalities of the sport. I was devastated and I throw thought of being beautiful away.

By the time I reached high school, I was accustomed to being involved in clubs. I was a member of Students Against Drunk Driving, yearbook committee, Pep Club, and studied Japanese at Yale University's Enrichment Series. In addition, I dedicated my time in the two clubs that helped chart the next decade of my life: Cooperative Work Study and the Black Hispanic Student Union (BHSU). Within those two clubs, I discovered a world I never known.

In Cooperative Work Study, I learned about untraditional jobs for women and became mesmerized with thoughts of becoming an International Marketing Executive. In fact, the reason for studying Japanese was to acquire a "competitive edge", another learned lesson at Cooperative Work Study. I also learned the importance of volunteering, work ethics, politics, and obtained my first real job.

As a member of BHSU, I learned cultural pride, community responsibility, and an opportunity to visit Historically Black Colleges and Universities (HBCU). Every spring we would travel to colleges and viewed minorities that had numerous professional and social interests. From my first visit, I discovered a world that would embrace me, challenge me, and highlight minority accomplishments often overshadowed. Learning at an HBCU became my deepest desire and my dream school was Hampton University.

The advisors for Cooperative Work Study and BHSU were adamant about supporting me and acknowledging my accomplishments. They helped me redefine my meaning of beautiful. Beautiful now represented self-worth, pride, confidence, and accomplishment. I was armed with being beautiful the first day of college. The second day of college was quite the contrary. My parents filed for divorce and my life completely changed. My father moved away and financially neglected the family. For two years, I worked, sent money home to pay bills, and slowly slipped into a place of financial hardship, depression, and eventually academic dismissal. However, I still had an undying desire to finish at my dream school. I refused to come that far and lose the title of a first generation college graduate. I was motivated with the responsibility of inspiring my younger relatives to follow my example. I sought support from the academic probation counselors and the first generation support group. I went from dismissed to a corporate sponsored School of Business student and proudly graduating on time.

I was beginning my professional career and had a goal of becoming an International Marketing Executive. I joined the management trainee program at a car rental company and quickly promoted to Corporate Leads Captain. I ranked in the top twenty-five percentile in performance and received awards for my work ethics. I was trusted with more responsibility then the other trainees and frequently given bonuses. I hated that job. I found refuge in volunteering in the inner city. Once again, I felt beautiful educating and empowering youth. I fell in love with the possibilities of inspiring underserved communities.

Later, I stumbled into a position at a community center as Director of Children and Teen Services until the center closed. Afterward, Girl Scouts contacted me about a unique statewide program that was in need of a coordinator. Girl Scouts Beyond Bars was a program for the daughters of incarcerated mothers. Bi-weekly, I would transport members to the state prison and hold a traditional Girl Scouts meeting. The program quickly became bigger then my job description. I helped the mothers prepare for release and offered job-interviewing techniques. I helped the daughters with relationship issues and peer pressure. I knew then that my purpose in life is community development. I completed a Master's Certificate in Organizational Leadership to fine-tune my skills.

Presently, I am a Resource Coordinator responsible for matching children in foster care with families and community resources. Within the last five years, I have devoted myself as a crewmember at Church on the Rock (second level membership out of 3 levels), teen club advisor, managing the empowerment program I founded, chairing the African Descendant Heritage committee, and volunteering at local women shelters. In addition, I also organized tsunami relief efforts and the neighborhood National Cancer Coalition drive. I hold an Executive Board position in a business and professional women's club and alumni association. As a proud military wife with a husband Iraqi war bound, I strive to guide and expose underserved communities with the formalities of being successful. I strive to provide underserved communities with guidance to define their version of being beautiful.

written by s. moncrief
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 9, 2007   #4
Greetings!

This is an excellent essay! All it needs is just a little bit of fine-tuning and it will be perfect. I will put suggested changes in bold. If I eliminate one or more of your words, I'll put the words on either side in bold.

In my young mind, beautiful was reserved for Olympic gymnasts and figure skaters.

I spent hours re-creating

My father was an only child from an affluent family. His greatest joy was bragging about my brother and me.

more opportunities than they received

It came as no surprise that my family was ecstatic with my interest in being "beautiful." [Periods always go inside the quotation mark.]

weekly show of acrobatics

gymnastics team

I threw thoughts of being beautiful away.

"competitive edge," [Commas also go inside the quotation mark.]

viewed minorities that had numerous professional and social interests. [if you are talking about people, it might sound better to say "met minorities who had ..."

first-generation

corporate-sponsored

more responsibility than the other trainees

bigger than my job description.

women's shelters

I strive to guide and expose underserved communities to the formalities of being successful.

My goal is to provide underserved communities with guidance to define their version of being beautiful. [This change is something of a judgment call, but when I first read it, I found the repetition of "strive" a little distracting.]

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah,EssayForum.com
OP PROL1F1C 2 / 3  
Jan 10, 2007   #5
Thank you I've made the changes to the autobiographical statement and it does read better. Below is the career goals statement. Is it too much story telling? The question asked What experiences have influenced this career direction? What attracts you to a career in public administration? What are my 5-10 year career goals? so I'm not sure if below is a good concept of what they want. Anyway please critique...

When I returned home after graduating from college in 1999, I was disappointed. Community centers were closing; violence and teen pregnancy increased, and a noticeable cycle of generational poverty were present. Equipped with a Marketing Degree and my ability to network I began my journey to save my community. I founded a girls' empowerment program called Heart's Desire Society, Inc. The program focuses on leadership, education, and self -esteem. It also has a networking and support group for the members' parents.

My effort to develop my community continues in varies endeavors. I volunteer at local women shelters, and organize tsunami relief efforts. I also coordinate the neighborhood donation drive for the National Cancer Coalition. In addition, I participate in the Walk for hunger and encourage others to donate generously to the cause. Internationally, I coordinate medical and school supplies drives. In 2005, I had the opportunity to deliver the donated items to Togo, West Africa. While there, I help renovate a local school and donated scholarships for fifty girls. I also help supply a village hospital with beds and the village graciously named the hospital room after the five of us involved.

I recently received a Master's Certificate in Organizational Leadership. However, I feel that guidance from respected executives and intricate public service information is imperative in becoming knowledgeable about urban affairs. Within your program I seek to gain the guidance and education needed to obtain my career goals.

My career goals focus on providing opportunities for people in underserved communities through creation of a Community Development Center. The center will focus on empowering residents to revitalize their community, build community wealth, seek home ownership, and develop job skills. The center will also provide a safe haven for youth and allow them to explore educational options.

Above all, a Master of Public Administration will help me strengthen both the non-profit management knowledge and the entrepreneurial skills necessary to create a center. By developing and maximizing the knowledge and managerial skills I have already accumulated, the XXX program will allow me ultimately to make a concrete and substantial contribution to the urban community.

written by s. moncrief
EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Jan 10, 2007   #6
Greetings!

It seems to me that this essay does an excellent job of answering their questions about your experiences, interests and career goals. Very nice!

Just a few little typos and small errors to correct:

Community centers were closing; violence and teen pregnancy were on the increase; and a noticeable cycle of generational poverty was present.

and my ability to network, I began my journey [add comma]

self-esteem [remove the space]

I volunteer at local women's shelters

Walk for Hunger [if it's the official name of the walk]

I helped renovate a local school

I also helped supply

And I'd just like to add that I'm awfully glad there are people like you who care so much!

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP PROL1F1C 2 / 3  
Jan 11, 2007   #7
I'm blushing and I'm thankful... thank you...


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