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Graduate   Posts: 18

I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction.


rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 22, 2015   #1
Hello everyone,

as is said in the title, I am applying for a scholarship in Korea; however, it has been really tough to write the introduction of my self-intro.

Please, Look what I've got so far.

My entire life I always have 2 passions, math and computer. So the task of choosing my professional field was really easy. Since high school i have the goal of become a computer scientist and create new technologies solutions and despite my young age, 23 years, I already gathered a reasonable job experience. In order to expand my degree in analysis and system development I have attended the course Computer programming and analysis in Toronto as an exchanged student by the Brazilian program science without borders for almost 2 years.

I would like to to add some informations such as :
- say how developed the korean technologies are
- say that I am self-taught, team player and mature
- show my desire to study in korea

however, i could not find a nicely way to do so.

I hope you guys can help me out.. thank you in advance.

lcturn87 - / 437 236  
Sep 22, 2015   #2
I can help you with your essay. I can also provide you with some help to organize your essay.

1st sentence: "My entire life, I always had a passion for math and computers."
2nd sentence: You could replace the first word with "Therefore, the task..."
3rd sentence: Here is a suggestion for this sentence: "Since high school, I have always wanted to become a computer scientist and create new technology solutions."

4th sentence: Do you mean despite your young age, you already have job experience in this field?
5th sentence: Place a comma after "development". Did you take the course or did you "major" in computer programming and analysis? If this was your major course of study you could make a simple change: "...I majored in computer programming and analysis in Toronto as an exchange student..."

The next paragraph, you could say why you are interested in the program. Then discuss how developed the technology is in the program you are interested in.

Your last paragraph usually should include your desire to study in a particular location and the qualities that will help you to do so. This would include that you are a mature, team player, who is able to study independently (self-taught).
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 22, 2015   #3
4th sentence: Do you mean despite your young age, you already have job experience in this field?
5th sentence: Place a comma after "development". Did you take the course or did you "major" in computer programming and analysis? If this was


- Yes, despite my young age, I already a good job experience.
- I attended only 3 semester as an exchange student, it was a program to improve our graduation in Brazil.

thank you so much for your attention. My introduction looks quite better.
vangiespen - / 4,270 1449  
Sep 22, 2015   #4
Rodolfo, I have a different take as to how you can further improve this self introduction. I do not know if you have already done it or not but I hope that my succeeding suggestions will further help you polish your essay. I would like, for starters, to draw your attention to what should be the focal point of your essay, the main point for your wishing to study in Korea.

As I reviewed your essay, you mentioned that you garnered work experience from an early age. This is one of the most interesting and informative aspects of your self introduction. Would it be possible for you to insert a paragraph covering this statement? If you can mention your work experience as a self-taught computer wizard, you will be introducing yourself as a determined person who has not allowed any obstacles such as a lack of formal education in a particular field, stop you from achieving what you want in terms of success.

I would avoid mentioning the exchange program if it does not have any relevance to the line of studies that you are seeking sponsorship for. Instead, portray yourself as a person who knows exactly where your future lies and how you plan on achieving that endgame. You can do this by presenting a career chart which outlines your plans for your future. Why would you do this in a self introduction instead of in a statement of purpose? Simply because you are applying for a scholarship and there are thousands of you applying for this grant. By showing the reviewer that you have a solid and definite plan for your future, you could convince them to give you the scholarship instead. Not everyone has a definite plan for their future when applying for a scholarship so if you do that, your introduction just might stand out from the pack.

As for highlighting your desire for sponsorship for education in Korea, I think you should mention some of the cutting edge technology that has come out for Korea over the past decade and then explain how you want to partake of intellectual sharing and the opportunity to learn how you can go home and further enhance the computer and tech world in your area using what you learned in Korea. Indicate some ways by which Korean breakthroughs have influenced your way of thinking regarding computers, math, and technology when possible.

I look forward to your next version of the introduction. I am sure we can help you further enhance and perfect the image that you want to portray on paper.
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 22, 2015   #5
First thank you for attention .

garnered

I think that I should mention my abroad experience. Maybe introduction is not the right place to do so, but I believe it is good to show that I have met people from different cultural backgrounds, isnt it?

I am really thank you for you help, I feel more confident with your idea and the previous one.

i look forward to hearing your ideas.

thanks.
vangiespen - / 4,270 1449  
Sep 22, 2015   #6
Rodolfo, I'm glad I was able to help. Please don't try to place all of the information that you have at the start of your introduction. An effective introduction knows how to segue from one aspect of your personality to another. That means you start with the basic information then keep moving on until you paint a complete picture of your personality and professional interests. This is something that can be done over 5 paragraphs and 500 words. What is the word limit on your introduction?

Start off the essay by presenting your name and that your interest in math and computers have developed far beyond your high school interests. Jump to college and your academic achievements if any. Call attention to your any notable projects you created while in school. After that, create a transition sentence to your professional experience.

Start off the professional experience with the computers without borders experience in Canada. Explain how 2 years of study there only served to heighten your interest in the field. What were the important lessons you learned there that you took into your next workplace with you? How did the experience change your view of your field of expertise? Transition to your current job.

Discuss your current job requirements and how you have fulfilled these at a young age. Now, in the same paragraph, mention something that will support your desire for further studies abroad. End with the idea of wishing to go to Korea for this chapter of your academic training. At this point you are ready to concentrate on the Korean aspect of your introduction.

Explain why you have a keen interest in Korean technological advancement. Mention Samsung and LG if you can and the inventions that came out of Korea that are now part of our daily lives. Then explain how you believe that there is a lot more to learn about technology from the Koreans. Close the essay with a simple statement indicating that who you are is the combination of all these life experiences and that by going to school in Korea, you hope to come back and introduce a further evolved and much more exciting person who will have new ideas and concepts to present in the field of computers., etc.

This is just one approach you can take to writing your essay. I hope my ideas help you to further develop your introduction. I'm looking forward to reading it :-)
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 22, 2015   #7
once again, thank you!!

I will be working on it over the weekend. When I finish it I will post here..

Have a great night.
justivy03 - / 2,458 607  
Sep 23, 2015   #8
- ...and create new technologytechnological solutions.
- ...development I have attended thea course on Computer...
- ...fulfilling activitycareer ( you are looking for a profession, a lifelong career and not just an activity you will enjoy on your free time ) .

@rodolfo, this is what I've gathered so far, you have set your mind on what you want to become and the profession you want to pursue and looking at it, I believe you can be a great addition to the technological advancements not only to the institution but hopefully to the world as a whole.

It's good to mention your academic and practical experiences in your chosen field, this will definitely help the admissions officer to weigh your strength and capabilities to carry out tasks.

Now the best way to start your introduction is to cite what sparked this interest that you have for the subject, continue writing by elaborating your academic adventures such as your struggles and how you overcome them, include situations where you technological know - how was put to the test and you have formulated a solution to solve it. Furthermore, emphasize on your strength and what you can do that will help the institution achieve their mission and of course all of this is for the welfare and greater good of the community and ultimately for your bright future.

I hope my contributions is not too late and we look forward to your final application essay. Best of luck!!!
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 23, 2015   #9
Justivy03,

Thank you so much...

you are not late whatsoever!

In fact, I still have more than one month to prepare my essay; However, I started early in order to make it as perfect as possible.

.. I will edit my essay, and post it here later!
lcturn87 - / 437 236  
Sep 23, 2015   #10
I would like to help you with your introduction.

Remember to capitalize the beginning of your sentences: "In fact, I spent a big part of my youth in front of a computer learning how to code. Here is a suggestion: "However, I do not regret the time I spent learning."

You should delete these words Much to the contrary . Replace it with "On the contrary". Separate these events in your life: When I was 19-years-old, I had an internship through the university I attended. At the age of twenty, I had a professional contract with an American software company."

In the next sentence, the word software should be in all lowercase letters. You could state that you were always dedicated to receiving an advance degree. Is this also a software analysis and system development program?

Here is a suggestion for your last sentence: "For example, I attended a computer programming and analysis course in Toronto as a science..." I think you should explain this program. I feel that the word "destined" is not a good word choice. Is it a program to give opportunities to the best Brazilian students?

I hope this helps you!
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 23, 2015   #11
- my degree name is analysis and system development , and i have been working as a software developer analyst.
- Yes, the brazilian government selects the best students to go abroad and improve their undergraduations
sorry, but I could not see where i could state that I was always dedicated to receiving an advance degree.

Thank you soo much for your attention. btw, I fixed the errors that you've pointed

It's helped me a lot
vangiespen - / 4,270 1449  
Sep 23, 2015   #12
Your introduction has certainly improved. lcturn87 made some very good points regarding the grammar corrections. The only problem that I have with your current introduction is that you seem to be trying to present way too much information within a single paragraph. I believe that rather than trying to add more information to your self introduction with succeeding paragraphs, what you should do is take each individual part of your introduction and develop that into separate paragraphs within your essay. Do you have a word limit on the essay? Would it be possible for you to do that? It would really be better to have a few fully developed paragraphs than just having an overview of various information about you.

I would also like to ask that you consider a new approach to your introduction. One that will be more fitting of an accomplished professional wishing to complete a degree in higher studies. I believe that revising the essay in a certain way will help you accomplish that and create a more interesting and informative self introduction for you. Please allow me to explain my idea to you.

Introduce yourself as the professional you are now. Highlight your current career accomplishments. Everyone else applying for this scholarships will be mentioning, not their glory days from the past, but rather, their current career accomplishments that will prove that they are worthy of a masters degree scholarship. Their past accomplishments will be a mere mention.For example, " I had an interest in computers all the way back in high, I parlayed that into my current career..." That would be the most that should be said for your early interest in computers. "I began my professional career with various internship and even got chosen by the Brazilian government for an exchange program in Canada. Yes, I am indeed one of the brightest technological minds in Brazil." Those two sentences will be enough of a self introduction to your early interest in computers and highlight the most important part of your college career.Consider that your competitors will introduce themselves as capable professionals at present with an ability to continue to develop themselves professionally and academically. Rarely will you find someone who applies for this scholarship based upon high school and college merits. So you need to introduce yourself at the same level of professionalism in order to better your chances for consideration as a scholar.

It really sounds like you are a highly accomplished individual. I do not doubt that you have lofty dreams and ambitions for your future. As a part of your self introduction, you should allow the reviewer to get to know that part of your personality. What is it about your future that is driving you towards this desire for higher education? Your self introduction should also serve to give the reviewer an overview of your statement of purpose.

Aside from your professional background, you should also try to highlight some personal qualities. After all, this is a self introduction so a paragraph about who you are outside of your interests in your career will give the reviewer a better idea of your well rounded personality. Try to balance the content of your essay between professional desire and personal traits. After all, studying is not all about academics, you need to show them that you also know how to have fun. If there is a way you can relate your personal side with your professional, that would also work. It would show your total commitment to your craft and allow the reader a glimpse into your other world.

I hope you will consider the suggestions I made. Your introduction is good. It just needs to be balanced, at least in my opinion.
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 24, 2015   #13
vangiespen

THere is no limit of words, my self introduction should be within a page though.
I have split out the first paragraph into 3. look at what I have got so far:

My entire life, I always had a passion for math and computers. Since high school my professional field always was clear for me, I have always wanted to become a computer scientist and create new technological solutions. In fact, I spent big part of my youth in front of a computer, learning how to code; however, I do not regret about it whatsoever; on the contrary, this premature curiosity enabled me to start working really soon.

My first important achievement was in 2010 when I got the 2nd best score among hundreds of candidates to enter in the university. Since the beginning of my undergrad studies I stayed in touch with professors and their research works. This awoke in me the interest for software development and intelligent IT solutions. When I was 19-years-old, I had an internship using the programming language PHP through the university I attended. At the age of twenty, I have started to work as a software developer at QAT Global, an American company with headquarters located in Brazi. As we followed the Scrum development methodology we used to have daily meeting with our customers, therefore my English skills was indispensable. Those early professional contacts were valuable experiences to my professional development because I could feel that I have chosen the right career for me.

Although I started to work as a software developer and analyst really soon, I always dedicated in my academic background. As instance, in order to expand my degree in System analysis and development I applied for the program science without border (Cięncias sem fronteiras), where the best Brazilian students and researchers are selected by the government to complete part of their under graduation studies abroad. In consequence of my academic performance and my English I was among those students, and then I went to Toronto for one year and seven months to study at Seneca.

Thank you a lot in advance.

I hope I have been improving!

Is it ok?
vangiespen - / 4,270 1449  
Sep 24, 2015   #14
Much better Rodolfo, there are just a number of tweaks that you need to apply before we might be able to say that the paper is ready to be used. My notes will be showing you the corrections to be made. It is mostly grammatical in nature.

Since high school my professional field HAD ALWAYS BEEN CLEAR TO me,

learning how to code.

I DO NOT HAVE ANY REGRETS ABOUT SPENDING MY TIME LEARNING ABOUT COMPUTERS AND MATH...

this EARLY curiosity enabled me to start working AT AN EARLY AGE.

to enter in the university

Since the beginning of my undergrad studies .

I STAYED IN TOUCH WITH MY PROFESSORS AND THEIR RESEARCH WORK LONG AFTER I GRADUATED.

When I was 19-years-old, I had an internship

- Where? Always inform the listener. You are introducing yourself so details are important.

I have started to work

Scrum development methodology , we used to have daily

experiences FOR my

I could feel that I HAD chosen the right career for me.

analyst really EARLY

I WAS always dedicated TO my academic background.

FOR instance

Science Without BORDERS

researchers WERE selected

AS A RESULT of my academic performance

my English, I was among those students

Please take note of the punctuation corrections I suggested. It helps to allow the reviewer to visually pause while reading so that the brain will have the chance to process the information he is receiving.
OP rodolfoamerico 1 / 7  
Sep 24, 2015   #15
I will be fixing this problems!

I have one doubt, Back in Canada I started a relatinship with a korean girl, and this relationship lasts until now.

Would be interesting to mention that in my essay? that I have a korean girlfriend.

once again,

Thanks a lot
vangiespen - / 4,270 1449  
Sep 24, 2015   #16
Rodolfo, are you familiar with the acronym TMI ? It stands for Too Much Information. I think that mentioning that you have a Korean girlfriend falls under that category. Just as with any introduction, you should allow the person to get to know a little bit about you. Just a little bit, the important and relevant parts of your personality will be the basis of your friendship, relationship, and kinship with these people. The girlfriend, I do not believe that it is important that they find out about her at this point.

Let me clear though, you can introduce her later on to your closest classmates, the friends that you will be making. Let them know you have a Korean girlfriend. Keeping an air of mystery about you is important because you will eventually be getting to know your classmates as well. If you share everything about you now, what else will you have to share with them later on? Keep your personal life private for now.

If you want to add any information to this introduction, why not introduce your family instead? We don't know anything about your family background. Where does your father work? Is your mother a career woman? Do you have any siblings? Tell us a little about them. You know what parts of your personal background you should keep to yourself. Giving an overview of where you come from is useful in this case though. Mostly because it will help your classmates understand more about your person. If you want to share some of your favorite traditions or holidays, you can give a background of those as well.

Remember I am merely suggesting these other topics in place of your girlfriend. If you choose to include that information in your introduction, then that is what you want to do and I will not judge you for it :-)
lcturn87 - / 437 236  
Sep 24, 2015   #17
I would like to help you make some corrections.

1st paragraph: There is a missing word: "I spent a big part of my youth..."

2nd paragraph: The first sentence: "when I received the second best score among hundreds of candidates to enter the university".

Here is a suggestion for your next sentence: After my undergraduate studies, I stayed in touch with my professors and read their research works. (Since you use the word "stayed", the reader could imply that your relationship is far away or long distance. This is why I started the sentence with "After".).

Here is another suggestion for your next sentence: "This influenced me to pursue software development and intelligent IT solutions."

When you state that you were twenty, you should delete the word "have". Remember to state "Brazil". These sentences need corrections: "We followed the scrum development methodology we used to have and had daily meetings with our customers. As a result, my English skills were indispensable."

3rd paragraph: The word "system" should be in all lowercase letters.Place a comma after the word "development". Remember to state: "undergraduate studies abroad".

I hope this helps you!
vangiespen - / 4,270 1449  
Sep 24, 2015   #18
Rodolfo, as far as I can tell, your first paragraph is fine as it is. However, just like all paragraphs in an essay, it is subject to your personal approval. That said, if you are not confident in what you have written then you know that the paragraph you have written is weak. We are not here to pass judgement on what you want to say. We are here to help you make it better, stronger, and relevant to the requirements of the prompt.

Why don't you try to write a few versions of your introduction? Try various approaches. Perhaps vary the content of the first paragraph until you develop one that you feel confident enough to use in your introduction. Then you can post the version you like best here for our comments and / or suggestions. Can you tell us why you do not feel confident about the content of your first paragraph? Maybe we can help you with it.

If there is a portion of your first paragraph that I would suggest you delete to make it stronger, it would be the reference to high school. As i said, this being a masters degree scholarship application, the strength of your essay should lie in your professional accomplishment alone. Introduce yourself as an accomplished professional through your career achievements beginning with your first internship. Highlight the age that you got it in order to impress the reviewer and explain the accomplishment you made then. Impress the reviewer with your achievements.

Whatever you do, do not try to insert your girlfriend into the discussion because that will make your application for the scholarship seem self serving and based more in personal feelings / attachments than a desire for professional advancement. Try to take a day off from writing your essay. Don't read it for a day. Then come back and read it. See if you still feel the same way. Maybe after 24 hours you will know what it is you want to change or strengthen in your essay.


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