Hi! Im Sebastian, and Im currently writing my statement of intent to enter The University of Melbourne's business school, in the Master of Management program. I am also currently an undergraduate at Unimelb.
This is the description for the statement: Please provide a personal statement of no more than 500 words. The statement should describe your personal motivation to undertake further study and can include details of your personal circumstances as well as your life and work experiences. It should emphasise any aspect of your personal history that may enhance your application, including extracurricular activity, community involvement, relevant personal characteristics and any outstanding achievements.
Any and all feedback would be appreciated :) Thank you!
In an increasingly competitive global workplace, I strongly believe the need to differentiate oneself from the rest of the crowd has never been more important. My current undergraduate studies in the Bachelor of Commerce at the University of Melbourne have provided me with a strong comprehension of the theories underlining many of the concepts within the fields of accounting and finance. I am applying to the Master of Management because I believe that, in addition to broadening my academic scope beyond accounting and finance, this program will equip me with the practical skills I will need in order to fully utilise my acquired knowledge in a real-world setting.
During my current undergraduate program, the only management subject I needed to complete was the compulsory subject, Organsational Behaviour; in which one of the assessments was an analytical case study done in groups. Ironically, it was over the course of this assignment that I experienced firsthand the importance of effective management through the leadership of my leader. He demonstrated various management skills, including role delegation, effective time management and motivational support. Under his guidance, our focus never wavered throughout the duration of the assignment, and ultimately, the final result yielded a satisfying grade. Through this, my eyes were opened to the significance of the role effective management played in achieving successful outcomes.
Outside of the classroom, my previous 2 summer breaks away from my studies in Australia have provided me with valuable work experience in a management-accounting environment. I worked as a management accounting intern in an import company, in which my duties included day-to-day inventory management, cost accounting and interacting with customers. Over the course of my employment, I improved my time management, learnt the importance of adaptability in different situations, and managed the needs of different customers. In particular, this skill was essential for the company, as a failure to grasp a customer's specific needs would lead to incorrect decisions being made from sourcing up to the point of delivery. As such, this allowed me an opportunity to directly observe the impact of management in a real business, and its potential to result in undesired consequences.
The University of Melbourne ranks amongst the best in the world, and as an undergraduate here, I have been taught by esteemed professors, studied with like-minded peers and encouraged to think inquisitively; all of which have cultivated a firm foundation to prepare me for the workplace. I firmly believe that the Master of Management program would be ideal in further building up this foundation. In addition to challenging me to apply knowledge beyond the pages of a textbook, this program will push me to excel in a new field of study, improve my teamwork and networking skills and foster a strong work ethic. Most importantly, I believe this program will equip me with the management acumen I will need throughout my professional career to effectively tackle, and manage, the problems faced by different businesses in today's ever-changing, dynamic economic climate.
(Word Count: 496)
Outside of the classroom, my previous 2 summer breaks away from my studies in Australia have provided me with valuable work experience in a management-accounting environment. It might be better if you specify your field of work in break.I have felt that you yourself's precence in essay is dull.You haven't specified what you have done from your undergraduate studies?Only way the admission officer can learn your excellence in paper is your essay so haveing ample vocab might help you.I also feel like office will love your application if you put some abstract of course to show your maturity.
Hi Sebastian, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback that will help you come up with a stronger letter and should you need further assistance after this remarks, do let us know so we can provide you further guidance.
Now, upon reading through your essay, I must say that this letter is full of information, not only about your academic background but also about your aspirations in pursuing greater heights of education. For the most part of the letter, you captured the readers interest in getting to know you more, however, towards the end of the letter, you tend to drift away and I believe, what you are trying to achieve is the length of the letter, which is not suppose to be, remember, this letter is a what will make or break the decision of the panel of reviewers to either admit you to the institution or not, so you have to be very careful.
Further to your revision, I suggest that you eliminate a few information pertaining to personal experiences that may not be relevant to the purpose of the essay. The third paragraph is what I'm talking about, somehow, in this part of the letter, there's no need for you to include such information, this will not only give the letter a definite focus but will also create that breather that will bring the readers back to the purpose if the letter. I hope this insights helped and do let us know what comes out of this exercise, we would love to hear from you.
Thank you for both your comments.
@justivy03 I agree with your comments - overall I felt the 3rd paragraph just felt too forced. I also think that towards the end of the letter, I just started typing everything I had in my mind, leading to an inflated word count.
I have just spoken with the recruitment officer, and he recommended that I could also talk about what I can bring to the program, and what I want to get out of the program.
What would you recommend I replace the 3rd paragraph with?
For example, would I maybe talk about my community involvement while as an undergraduate, and what I learnt?
Hi Sebastian, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, you don't have to worry so much on the word count, once you have a draft, this is the start of the revision process, basically this is the canvass where you draw the perfect picture. It is true that whenever we start writing, we can sometimes be so emerged in our writing that we missed the word count, however, as it is part of the instruction, you should be able to follow through.
Moreover, the insight from the recruitment officer that you talked to is correct, you should be able to include the outcome or your take out from this program, also,the community is a great addition to your sense of service to your fellowmen, therefore, adding a couple of sentences that touches this part of the society will definitely be a great addition to the essay.
For the replacement of the 3rd paragraph, you can summarize your management experience and then follow it up with a brief story on your community involvement. This will not only nail two ideas in one paragraph, this will also paint two sides of the picture and will capture you being an effective member of the society. I look forward to the final revision and should you need further assistance, don't forget to write to us.
Thanks for the suggestions - this is my amended version:
In an increasingly competitive global workplace[...]
During my current undergraduate program, the only management subject I needed to complete was the compulsory subject, Organsational Behaviour; in which one of the assessments was an analytical case study done in groups. It was over the course of this assignment that I experienced firsthand the importance of effective management through the leadership of my leader. He demonstrated various management skills, including role delegation, effective time management and motivational support; all of which led to a successful final result. Through this, my eyes were opened to the significance of the role effective management played in achieving successful outcomes.
Outside of the classroom, my previous 2 summer breaks away from my studies in Australia have provided me with valuable work experience as a management accounting intern in an import company. Over the course of my employment, I improved my time management, learnt the importance of adaptability in different situations, and successfully managed the specific demands of different customers. In addition, I have been an Indonesian delegate for CISV International, whereby I travelled to Europe and the United States, and from this experience, I learnt to thrive in new environments while simultaneously forging a strong sense of community with fellow international delegates. I have also been a volunteer for UMSU international, where similarly, I was able to work effectively with other international students to create awareness for the organisation, and ensure the successful execution of different events throughout the semester.
The University of Melbourne ranks amongst the best in the world, and being an undergraduate scholarship recipient here has spurred me to constantly pursue academic excellence. I firmly believe that the Master of Management program would be ideal in providing me with the further academic growth I desire. In addition to challenging me to apply knowledge beyond the pages of a textbook, this program will push me to excel in a new field of study, improve my teamwork and networking skills and foster a strong work ethic.
In short, I am highly motivated to undertake and complete the Master of Management program, because I strongly believe this program will equip me with the management acumen I will need throughout my professional career to effectively tackle, and manage, the problems faced by different businesses in today's ever-changing, dynamic economic climate.
