"to become a health care professional" - Personal Statement- PA application

I am having troubles formulating my personal statement and believe some constructive criticism is needed. I am trying to use originality and stay unique (of course) but I keep running on and on about information that is not so important. This is one of my rough** rough** drafts which is shorter than the rest, but still needs a lot of substance added in. I would appreciate the help :)

The desire and passion to become a health care professional began after being exposed to an incident related to my aunt Denise. She and my uncle Jim transitioned from living a normal healthy life in Minnesota to abrupt solitude after Denise suffered oxygen deprivation during the birth of my cousin's Nathan and Katie. Born prematurely, both of my cousins went home after three months in the ICU. However, my aunt remains brain damaged and lost all communication abilities. This heartbreaking moment forever created an unfathomable passion within me to attain an expert understanding of medicine, so one day I can play a role in the prevention of hurt and despair that many other family members experience today.

My year's experience of shadowing and assisting medical professionals has allowed me to narrow my interests in medicine by stepping through the wide range of patient care. From spending time as a student athletic trainer taping ankles, to learning the proper protocol for an total hip replacement, or simply listening to a patient as they explain why they came into the doctor's office. During these experiences, my passion was more than clear as I continued to develop the motivation necessary for a career in medicine.

Along with these experiences my mentors have taught me great intellect, which has enhanced my maturity as I continue my journey through the education of health care. I have learned that medicine is more than just the science or art of healing, but it is merely about compassion and the sharing of knowledge calmly with patients.

By choosing my career path in medicine, I carefully made sure the path I chose was the correct choice for both me and my future patients. After much health care exposure, I believe my personality lies along with the duties of a physician assistant. Being able to constantly interact with patients during diagnostic consults and assist physicians within a variety of specialties provides complete satisfaction.

After the unfortunate result of my aunt Denise's pre-mature childbirth, becoming an M.D. /D.O. was the overall goal. However, by observing a physician assistant, I felt they had the best relationship with the patients. As a physician assistant you are required to help out the entire health care team, thus exposing them as professionals not only to their physician's patients but to all patients within the facility.

It is my life experience and clinical/surgical exposure which have provided the compass to guide me toward a career in medicine and serve my community as a compassionate physician assistant. I would like nothing more than to spend the next two years of my life training to play a positive role in the lives of others by reaching out to them as a physician assistant.

Capitalize "aunt"


This looks like a sentence fragment.


I thought this was a weird sentence. Why would you need motivation if you're passionate about something?


Don't use vague phrases like "great intellect." Specifically say what you learned.


There's something wrong with this sentence. How is this for a revision :-
"I have learned that medicine is more than just the science or art of healing. It is also about compassion and the sharing of knowledge calmly with patients."


How? Substantiate this claim with an example.


It's better to avoid the second person in this type of essay.

How about this:
My year's experience of shadowing and assisting medical professionals has allowed me to narrow my interests in medicine by stepping through along the wide spectrum of efforts necessary for patient care.

This part:
my passion was more than clear as I continued to develop the motivation necessary for a career in medicine. it's a waste of a sentence that could be used for something more meaningful.

Along with these experiences my mentors have taught me great intellec ---no, I don't think they can teach great intellect.

...enhanced my maturity as I continued my journey through the education of health care. I have learned that medicine is more than just the science or art of healing; but it is merely also about compassion and the sharing of knowledge calmly with patients.