Why becoming a GOI-IES Scholar matters to you, what you'll gain from this scholarship?

MSC in Big data analytics in LYIT

Hi,
I am filling up application form for government of Ireland scholarship (GOI-IES). In response to the question "What is the benefit of becoming a GOI-IES Scholar, to yourself (personally and professionally), to Ireland, and to your country of origin? " I have written the following essay and the programme I am applying for is MSC in Big data analytics in LYIT university Ireland. Can someone kindly give me feedback on this, your help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

When it comes to personal growth, nothing comes closer to improving yourself than taking on new challenges and accepting new responsibilities. GOI-IES scheme would render me to an international environment in Ireland where students from all over the world come to study. To be a part of such a community would help me to understand different cultures and provide me a fresh perspective to look from. Being an international student is not a small feat, to survive in a new country I will have to get out of my comfort zone and take up a lot of responsibilities. All these challenges will ultimately make me an independent individual, which I am looking forward to. Furthermore, an international degree programme brings with it a lot of financial burdens, but with the GOI-IES scholarship, I wouldn't have to worry about such things and can focus solely on my studies and community engagement.

Every student yearns for international exposure, aside from the personal benefits it can have a significant impact on the career of the individual. With Ireland's NFQ system, state-of-the-art teaching facilities, and leading research institutes, I am assured to get a world-class education and start my journey on the international stage. Ireland is also becoming an IT hub in Europe, not only the large multinational corporations like Microsoft, Apple, and Google to name a few, already have their presence in the country, but the startup ecosystem is also booming. Therefore, I will have a lot of opportunities to look forward to after graduation. With the GOI-IES scholar title, my resume will get a huge boost, increasing my chances of employability and further research.

With me being an ambassador of Pakistan, Ireland will benefit from the exchange of culture and values which will increase the social and cultural diversity in the country. This will also foster new connections with my home country, therefore, attracting brightest minds and talents from Pakistan. The field of big data is thriving in Ireland, and the country is demanding more research and technical expertise. GOI-IES scholarship will enable me to fill in that demand by helping me to study Big Data Analytics in LYIT, which will open up doors for better employability and research opportunities for me in the future. As a result, this will improve Ireland's economy, development capacity, and innovation potential.

With my home country's huge population and vast usage of smartphones and social media, an enormous amount of data is generated. Unfortunately, because of the lack of expertise in data analytics, most of the data is left untouched which can otherwise be utilized to make people life's better. There is also a lack of research in this field. The skills and expertise that I will acquire while studying in Ireland would help me to strengthen theoretical research in the realms of data science and put the vast amount of data to good use. Moreover, getting this prestigious scholarship would inspire other potential students from my home country to study and/or find employment in Ireland.

This is actually an ordinary essay that does not have any stand out points or references that could catch the attention of the reviewer. Neither does it have points of memorable reference. The writing is not memorable at all. It is too common and general in information presentation. It is important that you use reference points and responses that focus on heightening your personal, professional, and bilateral relationships based on specific standing and reference points. Think of information about you on a personal and professional basis that might impress the reviewer. Discuss the currwnt bilateral relations of the countries with a specific focus on your field of study or profession that you hope to build upon to improve the relationship between nations and, on a personal level, of its citizens.