I am having trouble with my second essay, and was wondering if anyone could give me some ideas, or tell me if i am on the right track. This is just a rough draft and still needs a LOT of work. HELP!
(750 - 1000 Words) "Explain how you will contribute both as a student and subsequently as an alum to the Katz Graduate School of Business community. What importance do you place on this contribution and what qualities do you possess that will make you effective in these roles?"
It was when my landlord came the last time to replace my hot water heater, and after 3 days of cold showers, that I knew I was ready to own my own home. I had been following the decline of the housing market and decided to capitalize on the current conditions. I only had 3 months until my lease was up, so I knew my time was running out fast. I contacted a family friend who was a realtor and began my search. Surprisingly I found a very nice place in only 2 months, and on April 25'Th 2008 I became a home owner.
I confidently signed all of my closing papers, and knew that I was going to be better off for this decision, and I was right. Although not every experience in my house has been a success, I have learned a great deal along the way, and now have a great sense of pride as a home owner. After voting at my new polling location and attending the Monroeville Community days I felt like I was a part of the community. I again seek to become a member of a community, but this time as a member of Katz Graduate School of Business community.
During my tenure at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania I was actively involved in many organizations and clubs. These clubs gave me a lot of time to socialize and network with fellow students, alumni and professors. If accepted to the University of Pittsburgh I again would be looking forward to joining the clubs, organizations and workshops offered by the university. Many of these extra curricular activities are similar to the organizations I was involved in during my Undergraduate work, such as the Marketing Club and Evening Student Executive Board. These organizations will be a valuable networking median, as well a good tool for my fellow students and I to help each other outside of the classroom.
I look forward to continuing and promoting the practices and ideas of the Katz Business School to fellow students and colleagues for the remainder of my professional livelihood. I am certain that Katz will give me the foundation necessary to sustain a long and fulfilling career in business management. As a graduate student I will be fully committed to the Katz Graduate School of Business. Fueled by my passion for marketing management I will contribute by extending my enthusiasm, dedication and work ethic to fellow students and professors alike.
I have been labeled as a self starter and motivator. I do not like procrastination and was always the team member pushing to get a jump start on our work. While not all of my other team members could appreciate my enthusiasm and drive, it always paid off in the end. I do not like mediocrity and simply "getting by" is never an option for me. While I did not always obtain the grade I sought, I always put my best effort forward and did all that was ethically necessary to succeed.
As a Katz Business School alumnus, I look forward to using my knowledge in the competitive business world. I will help my company to grow and prosper in an ever changing steel industry, while upholding the values and ethics I learned during my studies. I strive to become the type of leader the University, and my company, can be proud of. As a Pittsburgh native I have lived my whole life in this wonderful city. After graduation I look to continue, and finish my career, living and working in Pittsburgh. I hope that I can give back to my city, as much as it has given to me. This city has a history of being a steel town, and I consider myself a new age steel worker. Although I am not working in the mill, I still feel a great sense of pride being able to work in the industry that has helped to grow and shape this city.
My true passion, however, lies in my desire to become an enabler of others. Armed with the knowledge of a Katz masters degree, I will dedicate the rest of my career to helping and teaching others whose interest is business management. I look forward to obtaining an even higher degree and teaching at a graduate level. I have always had a passion for helping others, and have recently had the honor of helping to shape my nephews young life. While teaching on a graduate level is much different than teaching a young child, I imagine it will bring the same satisfaction knowing that I am making a difference in someone else's life.
I have a longing to expand the knowledge and training that I have obtained throughout my undergraduate education and work experience thus far. While I am proud of all that I have accomplished, I am in no means content. I strive for greatness and seek the Joseph M. Katz Graduate School of Business to help me obtain my goals. I seek to make an impact on my fellow students, employees and my community.
It was after three days of cold showers , when my landlord finally came the last time to replace my hot water heater, and after 3 days of cold showers, that I knew I was ready to own my own home.
Great beginning!!
I confidently signed all of my closing papers, confident that I was going to be better off for this decision, and I was right.
I have a longing to expand the knowledge and training provided by my undergraduate education and previous work experience.
You write in a very entertaining and lively way. I think you'll do great is business. However, it is tough to make the connection between the purchase of a home and the application to business school. You should combine the first 2 paragraphs so that you do not make such a big deal out of the anecdote about recently becoming a homeowner. Also:
...to be better off for this decision, and I was right. Although not every experience in my house has been a success, I have learned a great deal along the way, and now have a great sense of pride as a home owner. After voting at my new polling location and attending a town meeting I felt like I was a part of the community. I again seek to become a member of a community, but this time as a member of Katz Graduate School of Business community.
Now, continue the explanation:
Like the experience of purchasing a home, my application to your fine institution...
In the closing paragraph, refer to the example about recently becoming a homeowner again. Because it is not entirely relevant to the application, you have to either omit it or make it into a meaningful example. I think you are close to success in showing a connection between that purchase and your business aspirations.
I thought my opening was a little to lengthy.
I am going to add some additional information, but do you think i have answered the question, or am i still missing some information?
Thanks for the help!
Just make sure everything is connected together. That means that you have to present the purchase of the home as something that can be compared to your academic endeavor: it is an investment in your future. Keep the essay focused and solid, with a clear theme. It is very close to answering the question brilliantly, but so far it still seems a bit disjointed. Have a common theme that is observable in each paragraph; I think the underlying theme in YOUR essay is about ownership of (i.e. responsibility for) your academic and professional process.
I found your essay very aggressive and full of information. How about narrowing it done and stay away from POWERFUL phrases such as:
"I am in no means content. I strive for greatness "
All of the below seems a tad off topic. It is interesting and well-written, but it doesn't really have to do that much with the prompt:
"It was when my landlord came the last time to replace my hot water heater, and after 3 days of cold showers, that I knew I was ready to own my own home. I had been following the decline of the housing market and decided to capitalize on the current conditions. I only had 3 months until my lease was up, so I knew my time was running out fast. I contacted a family friend who was a realtor and began my search. Surprisingly I found a very nice place in only 2 months, and on April 25'Th 2008 I became a home owner.
I confidently signed all of my closing papers, and knew that I was going to be better off for this decision, and I was right. Although not every experience in my house has been a success, I have learned a great deal along the way, and now have a great sense of pride as a home owner. After voting at my new polling location and attending the Monroeville Community days I felt like I was a part of the community."
Perhaps you could condense or omit some or all of this?
