Requirement:How will your advanced business degree from the Freeman School of Business assist you with your long term career goals?
As both of my parents work in the accounting field, I cultivated sensitivity towards numbers and financial news since an early age. In college, I managed to transfer my major to Finance, my true passion. I have set up my short-term goal of working at the risk management department of a Big Four firm. In the long term, I hope to become a partner at Big Four or join an International commercial bank as a senior manager.
In college, I participated in various activities and business competitions, such as the Ace Manager Program organized by Paris Bank, in which I learned to solve practical problem by building models for the first time. During the summer period in 2015, I am honored to obtain government scholarship to attend International Business and Leadership Program in UCLA extension. In this process, I experienced diversified class forms and teaching styles, such as group discussion and presentation. The interaction in classes was much active than that in domestic classes and was beneficial to cultivate professional characteristics for future career. Those experiences have greatly strengthened my determination towards practicing Finance after graduation.
To get more exposure to the financial world, I interned at Deloitte, Nanjing Branch and Bank of China, Nanjing Branch. While working at Deloitte, I worked at the audit department, and mainly took charge of the sampling in audit work, including cutoff sampling and detail sampling paperwork. I also assisted with the composing and editing of expense and cost entries. In Deloitte, my job wasn't very creative but quite routine, requiring a high level of detail orientation. Besides, as it was at the end of the accounting year, all my colleagues were super busy. So I not only paid attention to all the small details but also tried my best to help co-workers whenever I was in need. My hard work won the trust of my supervisor, who gave me the valuation of "EXCELLENT" at the end of my internship there. Later, while working in Bank of China, I was mainly responsible for inputting data and preparing documents.
Through my internship experience, I got a tentative taste about how people work in the real business world. Though performing well in the workplace, I am conscious that there are still some gaps for me to become a qualified financial analyst. I should learn more knowledge on equity analysis, valuation, fixed income analytics. I should practice more on the data modeling and data analysis. I am desired to pursue a master degree in your business school because Freeman Business School has a long glorious history and provides promising career path for students. I heard that Tulane University provides students various social and networking opportunities such as Freeman Days, which I am especially interested in. Besides, the class design of your program meets my requirements perfectly because students are allowed to choose those qualitative courses. With the outstanding education resource of your distinguished school, it will be much easier for me to achieve my career goals.
I want to revise my personal statement and to make it more attractive. Thank you for your reading and hope for your help.:-)
Yu, don't make your opening statement sound so generic by using the term "at an early age." That is a commonly used opening statement term that reviewers are really sick and tired of reading already. Maybe you can revise the first few sentence of the paragraph to read in a way similar to this instead:
With both of my parents work in the accounting field, I grew up with a cultivated sensitivity towards numbers and financial news. So, it came as no surprise when in college, I ended up changing my major to Finance, my true passion...
Now, let me address the revisions for your other paragraphs :-)
Par. 2:
In college, I learned to solve practical problem by building models for the first time through the Ace Manager Program organized by Paris Bankt. Over the summer of 2015, I obtained a government scholarship to attend International Business and Leadership Program through UCLA extension. The interaction in classes was beneficial to cultivating my professional characteristics for my future career. Those experiences greatly strengthened my determination towards practicing Finance after graduation.
Par. 3:
To get more exposure to the financial world, I interned at Deloitte. I worked at the audit department, and mainly took charge of the sampling in audit work, including cutoff sampling and detail sampling paperwork. I also assisted with the composing and editing of expense and cost entries. My job required a high level of detail orientation so I not only paid attention to all the small details but also tried my best to help co-workers whenever I was needed. My hard work won the trust of my supervisor, who gave me the valuation of "EXCELLENT" at the end of my internship there.
Par. 4:
I am conscious that there are still some gaps for me to become a qualified financial analyst though I perform well in the workplace. I desire to pursue a master degree at the Freeman Business School in Tulane University because the university provides students various social and networking opportunities such as Freeman Days, which I am especially interested in. Additionally, I desire to be allowed to attend qualitative courses of my choosing. A unique student option exclusive to Tulane. With the outstanding educational resources of your distinguished school, it will be much easier for me to achieve my career goals.
My revisions have made the essay shorter, more informative, and contains only the important elements that should be represented in your personal statement. Put the revised paragraphs together and let me know what you think. I'll be more than happy to work with you on further editing the paper :-)
