I just finished with writing my narrative statement for admission into the New York Film Academy. I need people to review this and make corrections where necessary.
As the opening scenes came to view on the large white projector, I heard someone whisper "Charlie well-done." It was a familiar voice coming from behind me, and it was the voice of my friend who had been with us through the whole process. Resonating, it was as if the compliment woke a million butterflies from their slumber inside of me. As the whole thing came to an end and the sound of ovation kept echoing in my ears, I felt like I was a projectile and the seat I sat on had shot me straight into cloud nine. It was such an amazing experience.
Born on the 5th of February 1992 in Ile-Ife, Osun State, in the southwestern part of Nigeria, a town that seems to have its share of civilization owing to the only federal university located in the heart of town, it looked as though my fate was sealed. Just as any average child born into that kind of environment, taking a white collar job and leading a quiet life after graduating from college seemed to be more of determinism than free will for young adults in that environment. Although the environment might have been the least place of developing artistic traits, my years of watching and trying to mimic some top Nigerian actors I see on television, and my early exposure to music by my parents helped in modeling my thoughts into an artistic one. Featuring in staged plays and getting involved in music festivals quickly became activities I loved engaging myself in, and at age 14, I started learning how to play the trumpet. The art of filmmaking however caught my attention after seeing the making of James Cameron's 'Titanic'. Seeing the making of that movie kindled my love for filmmaking and changed my perception about the art. Realizing that film takes more than just a camera and a tripod stand to shoot, I felt like learning the process right away. From that day onward I decided if so much time and resources could be thrown into shooting a movie this way, then I also want to shoot movies in this manner. By senior year in high school, my filmmaking aspirations had grown stronger it brought closer to me friends of like minds with whom I discuss filmmaking. While escapist movies were the order of the day for a great number of my peers, I wanted more out of movies. Being a student of literature, I longed for movies with an organized set of diction. Although I was in secondary school at the time, it was difficult for me as a person to fathom my deep taste for movies with strong themes, ranging from crime, to romance and epic movies infused with fine storytelling and great music. With our thirst for making films, my friends and I once tried to shoot a movie, but owing to the busy schedules of adults that were supposed to feature in the movie, we couldn't go on with the shooting. However, all the energies which were meant to go into filming the movie were pulled together and focused on some documentary which we did for the class I graduated with.
Coming from the part of the world where youths are mostly misguided about the choice of career, I never knew I could study filmmaking as an intellectual course. I believed my love for filmmaking could only pass as a hobby. So I put in to study law in college, but was admitted to study philosophy. While in my third year in school, getting myself enrolled in a workshop for filmmaking seemed to be the best of ideas, as my restlessness kept getting a better part of me. I felt I just cannot help but feed my curiosity about filmmaking.
My time at the workshop helped a great deal in broadening my knowledge a bit about filmmaking, and my chances of getting involved in the field, working with my tutor exposed me to a full range of exercises from cinematography, to editing, Continuity and directing, and for the first time, I found something I love the most about filmmaking. Cinematography as an art appealed to my soul, and camera movements fascinated me. As my time in the studio extended, I started developing my own opinion about cinematography, which I shall like to call the soul of filmmaking. Cinematography, I believe is capable of setting and dictating the mood of a movie and once gotten right, gives a movie the power of holding the audience at spell bound and vice versa. Other areas that appealed to me were directing and editing, and this was because they afforded me the opportunity of paying more attention to details during and after production. What I took with me from the workshop afforded me the privilege of being involved in a music video project for my 'community development scheme' group during my one year compulsory service program to my country, as I involved myself in the cinematography of all, directed one and edited two of the four music videos project, one of which officials of the 'National Youth Service Corps' previewed.
As I kept reminiscing about the event of the preview and the ovation we received from the members of the officiating body and colleagues, I felt elated and fulfilled. Even though we were paid no dime for our work and had to work with a couple of DSLR cameras and tripod stands, the experience of having to work on that kind of project with a couple of friends with the same mindset of making films as mine was a pleasure and helped in motivating me to keep working on myself and thrive more to become a fine filmmaker. Moreover, the project made me thirst for writing, shooting and directing my own movies, which I hope to use some day in changing the face of the Nigerian movie industry.
I strongly believe that graduate studies would be valuable to me in several ways in achieving this feat, and I see the New York Film Academy as the path to getting there. First, I see graduate studies in your institution as a professional stepping stone that will pave the right ways for me on my return back home after completing my studies as people tend to take professionals who have an intellectual understanding of what they do more serious.
Furthermore, your institution's holistic approach to filmmaking which is second to no other is what I believe will help students have an all-round knowledge about filmmaking, one which I have not found in other schools I have been checking out. In addition, a practical approach to filmmaking is what I believe all aspiring filmmaker need rather than the rigid theoretical approach employed by many film schools. More so, your emphasis on the 'hands on intensive program' makes your school the best bet for any would be filmmaker. So in the course of searching for a good film school and a good talk with Mr. Brian Koplow while I was in college, I was certain I wanted to attend the New York Film Academy more than any other film school. So when I heard that the New York Film Academy was coming to Nigeria, I quickly jumped at the opportunity, and meeting Ms. Lizzie Sack and Mr. Blake Babbitt and the way they related with me in an accommodating manner made me determine that if I would ever have a professional experience, then it must be at the New York Film Academy.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Charles, my attention was immediately called to the fact that your essay is over 1000 words long. That is too long for a narrative statement. Try to keep your essay to the standard 500 words maximum if possible. That is, unless you actually have no word limit on this essay, which I strongly doubt. The longest should be around 750 words if I am not mistaken.
When your narrative runs this long, there is a strong tendency for the reviewer to get bored by your writing, which means he may not finish reading your essay and that in turn, will affect you admission chances. In addition to that, please make sure to separate your paragraphs in order to prevent reading boredom and to help the reader keep track of his place while reading your essay.
Now, for the content of your narrative. You have tried to provide too much irrelevant information in this essay. What you need to do is create a focus topic for your essay in order to create a more relevant presentation of your interests. Consider this essay similar to that of a personal statement. Only this time, you should only narrate the development of your interest in relation to your chosen major. That means, your essay should work on presenting the following information:
1. The actual major that you are interested in enrolling in.
2. Your personal background in relation to this major. Early exposure along with seminars or other training attended in relation to developing your skills in this area is a must.
3. Make yourself stand out by telling the reviewer that you actually have some exceptional or remarkable skills in the field of film making that should help you gain the upper hand in the application. An example of this would be winning a cinematography award in a minor festival or even simply being acknowledged for your skill / talent in the workshops you attended.
At the moment, your essay just comes across as a generic discussion that does not have any real academic focus on your chosen major. Don't discuss your chosen major like an afterthought in the middle of the narrative, bring that up to the very beginning because that is what your narration should be all about. The reviewer will not be impressed by your stories dating back to your childhood or the film influences of a 14 year old. He doesn't need to read about how you ended up a Philosophy student. This narrative should have only one focus, that is to present the reasons behind your interest in Film making (or is it Cinematography? I'm not quite sure which you really want to major in because you are discussing both here. Choose the actual major you want to take and focus on that discussion.), how it developed, what skills you have in relation to that major, and where you see your career going in the future. Don't forget to include a discussion regarding the particular subjects, training, internships, or projects that you hope to delve into while a student at the New York Film Academy. Make sure to highlight your skills along with the major or notable offerings of the academy and the narrative should work better than the version you have at the moment.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780 The 3 page instruction is a mere recommendation. You don't have to turn in a 3 page paper if you do not have enough important and valid information to fill the space. A thorough page and half to 2 page essay will be more than sufficient to provide the necessary information for your application. If you notice, in the current version that you have, the essay keeps going around in circles. Discussing information that dates back practically to the first time that you saw a movie. More than half of the information that you have in this paper isn't really going to help your application because it doesn't help the reviewer focus on the necessary information to get to know you in this preliminary written interview. If you use my suggested guidelines above, you will end up filling less than 3 pages, but then you will also be better informing the reviewer.
