Hi, so far I've found very good tips on this website and I think it's very enlightening like this one here essayforum.com/graduate-admission-4/biological-sciences-average-studen t-good-sop-possible-37776/.
Currently I am applying for my masters in the UK and all I'm left with is the personal statement before I could click on that darned submit button. I'm trying to limit my essay to 500 words since most of the application forms only allow that much. This is a general draft and I'll be tailoring it to each university I'm applying to. It would be great to have more people to comment on it before I could send it without regrets. The total word count for this draft is 483 words and I think I don't have a strong closing statement. So here goes.
The supporting statement is your opportunity to address the academic and any non-academic entry requirements as described in the prospectus. Describe your academic interests and reasons for applying. Detail your career objectives and any relevant non-academic achievements as well as any publications. Outline any other relevant experience including attendance at specialist workshops or short courses.
I became interested in Biotechnology after high school when I went on an exchange program to Kamchatka, Russia. There I met a microbiologist named Ilya and I decided to discuss with him about my scholarship offer from the Malaysian government to study Biotechnology, to which he responded by showing his cultures and demonstrated the engineering processes he did. After he explained about the numerous uses of engineered microbes, I decided to accept the scholarship offer to study Biotechnology.
At RIT, I became interested in applied microbiology, especially in the field of bioremediation and biofuels when I attended a research seminar presented by Dr. Jeffrey Lodge about utilizing algae as a biofuel source. Fascinated by the versatility of these microrganisms and the genetic processes they undergo, I contacted him. He gave me the opportunity to undertake one of his research projects, which involved characterizing hydrocarbon degrading bacteria that he isolated. After two years, I presented my research at the Rochester Academy of Science. The culmination of my academic achievements and service to RIT resulted in the School of Life Sciences awarding me the David M Baldwin Memorial Scholarship.
I also had the opportunity to be a Teaching Assistant for Cell Physiology and Tissue Culture. From that experience, I learned that I enjoy teaching and sharing what I know with other students. The experience strengthened my decision to attain a doctorate and ultimately, teach. One of my goals is to elevate the quality of research and education in Malaysia. Since University XX attracts the best students and professors, the experience and knowledge gained in University XX will be of higher standards and in turn increase the quality of my contribution to Malaysia.
I chose to further my studies in the UK simply because I wanted to broaden my scientific and cultural perspectives. I chose MRes because I liked the process of tinkering with variables and finding out what works best for an experiment despite the frustrations accompanying it. I would have liked to take the PhD route but due to restrictions imposed by my current scholarship I am unable to do so. This is a path I chose to still have my sponsor fund my post-graduate studies. Upon completing my Masters, I believe my sponsor would give me leeway to go on and begin obtaining my PhD.
My undergraduate research did not delve into the molecular aspects of the bacteria which left me feeling that my work was incomplete. The Biotechnology stream of the Biosciences program would make up for it by equipping me with an in-depth knowledge of gene regulation and metabolism in cells. Hopefully I will be able to work in X's group because their research in cell biocatalysis and biotechnology are parallel to my interests. I hope I could improve the utilization of microbes to mass produce proteins and fuels and perhaps, also develop genetic engineering without the need for antibiotic resistance markers.
I became interested in Biotechnology after high school when I went on an exchange program to Kamchatka, Russia. There I met a microbiologist named Ilya and I decided to discuss with himwith whom i discusses about my scholarship offer from the Malaysian government to study Biotechnology, to which he responded by showing his culturesand demonstrating the engineering processes he did. After he explained about the numerous uses of engineered microbes, I decided to accept the scholarship offer to study Biotechnology.
I just thought those two places could be made shorter. Other paragraphs looked fine. The sentences seemed a bit longer and complicated but it is meant to be i guess, since you are discussing such heavy topics.
Sorry, i'm not much of a help.
It looks like you have done and achieved a lot. Good luck with your admissions. :)
Thanks, that does cut down a lot of unnecessary words. Would you mind pointing out which sentences that seemed longer and complicated? I could probably work on them.
Actually, now that i've read it again, i don't think there is any sentence that is too long. I tried to look for them but they all seem very important.
Small comment. "Hopefully I will be able ..."- maybe you shouldn't say hopefully. "My aim is to work...." or something better that shows you are adamant and capable of working with the company that you are talking about. What do you think?
I see where you're coming from. I put "hopefully" because I didn't want to sound naive, especially with my limited knowledge. Even so, I agree with you, if I change "hopefully" to something along the lines of your suggestion, it would reflect me better.
