Hi All,
I am applying the MS in Commerce program at University of Virginia. I have drafted the first version of the required essay, and will appreciate any advices of yours. Thanks!
The admission committee seeks candidates with a strong academic background whose goals and motivation are a good fit within the culture, content, and opportunities presented by the M.S. in Commerce Program. Please describe the unique aspects of your background and motivations, and how you see them fitting into what you know about the program. Be sure to include in your discussion what you hope to gain by participating in the program and what strengths you feel you have to contribute to the program. (500 word limit)
MS in Commerce program strongly attracts me
An alumni's talk depicting his challenging yet rewarding career path at BCG brought me to the field of consulting. There were many times after that career development workshop I envisioned myself as a professional consultant.
Last year, the internship opportunity at Hejun transformed my dream into reality. Through pitching diverse clients, I enhanced my strength in communication skills. Through desk researches for pinpointing specific solutions, I discovered my ability of quickly forming in-depth understanding of both client companies and various industries. Through interviews with senior executives and in-house professionals, I gained insights on business models and trends. Through putting forward, debating on, and revising proposals, I also managed to paint a bigger picture of business operation. My fast growing capacity at Hejun, and more importantly, my burning passion in consulting, confirmed that this is where my life interest lies.
I then secured my second internship in consulting at Morgan Stanley Capital International (MSCI). This internship enabled me to scrutinize and evaluate companies' performance through the perspective of the capital market. The quantitative analyses on companies' financial situations, governance structures, and business sustainability revealed to me what the market expects and where the corporate fails. I also mastered to use models to quantify companies' management problems by rating their asset management qualities and long-term systematic risks, which are critical indices for investors. The strong correlation between the capital market and a company's long-term development and its governance showed me the importance of taking management, accounting, and finance aspects of a company into consideration when making business decisions.
The MSCI internship to a great extent cultivated my interest in corporate finance and narrowed down my career path to financial consulting or general consulting with the specialization in the finance industry. I found that the MS in Commerce program at McIntire perfectly fits my career needs by providing a curriculum with a solid business core and a specialty in finance. The core courses will enable me to better understand different functional areas in business; whereas the specialty part will allow me to systematically foster my quantitative skills and critical thinking ability through mastering more decision-making tools and analytical models.
Beyond the academic excellence of UVA and its long-built prestige among consulting employers, the MS in Commerce program also strongly attracts me for its unique global perspective. This is an important factor that tops UVA my dream school list and also the strength I could contribute to the program.
My undergraduate training in liberal arts endowed me with not only mastery of the Japanese language but also a global view. When interning at Ogilvy, I took the challenge of cooperating with a public relations company sponsored by the Dubai government, breaking the stereotyped image of the Emirate of Dubai by re-portraying this country in Chinese people's eyes. And at Reuters, I was entrusted to cover the Japanese market, obtaining precious information on business operations and financial market in Japan. During the presentation session of the course Business Strategy at Imperial College London, I led my 'international' team to accomplish a 'standing out' proposal by detailing different business strategies when targeting different regions. I would like to make the program's global immersion project my best classroom, immersing myself to the dynamics of the global business world while adding value to UVA.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Mingru, present the essay in the manner indicated by the prompt. That means you will have to bring up the academic discussion of your background. That now becomes the opening statement. The stand alone sentences that you current have at the start need to be deleted. It doesn't really fit into the discussion being presented. Anything that makes the essay too long without a purpose must be deleted.
The problem with your undergraduate academic presentation is that you only present it in one sentence. That should be at least one fully developed paragraph long because the essay prompt is asking you to justify your previous academic training in a manner that will support your success in the field of your choice with the help of the masters degree. You have established a strong training background all around but the relevance of your academic training to your success in this field needs to be presented as well. Right now, that is not well portrayed in your essay. All other prompt instructions were successfully integrated into your response. Good work on that.
