Continuing education in Korea by pursuing a graduate degree in Cultural-Art Business Administration

Hello! I'm currently writing my application for the KGSP.
This is my current draft and it's unfinished but I'd love some opinions on paring down some of it.
By the way, later on, I'll add more about what Korean artists I admire. Constructive criticism would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance~!

KGSP Graduate Scholarship self-introduction

After being employed by the Japanese Exchange Teaching Program, one of the most competitive governmentally funded exchange programs in East Asia, I would like to continue my educational career in Korea by pursuing a graduate degree in Cultural-Art Business Administration through Chung-Ang University.

I became interested in East Asian cultures when I was very young. At the age of seven, my family moved to California- a beautiful state with a wonderfully diverse population. My young mind became enthralled with the food, music, and colorful cultures I encountered while living there. This fascination continued well into my adult life and manifested in a desire to build stronger connections with the Asian American community. My passion for community building helped me achieve goals that granted me access to competitive galleries, internships, and programs.

I have always been a community influencer; in high school, I was the president of my school's art club, an active volunteer at my school's outreach programs, and my class's salutatorian. My drive to be a student leader only grew as I enter my alma mater, the University of Texas at San Antonio (UTSA), and is what pushed me to volunteer with UTSA's East Asian Institute.

I grew and learned so much while working with the EAI faculty members and staff at various events. I was able to participate in traditional dances, clubs, and activities. I also was able to cultivate professional connections within my university's Foreign Language Department. With the support of that department, I created the Japanese Language studying club.

While the majority of my involvement with the East Asian Institute was focused on sharing Japanese culture, I was lucky enough to be able to participate in events centered around Korea, such as UTSA's Korean cultural fair. While volunteering at the Korean cultural fair, I was introduced to Korean traditional clothes, food, and art. The vibrant culture of Korea caught my attention and I became determined to experience more of the culture.

My view of life is now shaped by my experience of living abroad and becoming a cultural ambassador. Although I choose to work in Japan for my first post-graduate career, I still made it a priority to use the close proximity of my placement to learn more about Korea. During the Winter of 2017, I was able to travel to Seoul, Korea for a week. My trip to Korea made me feel the same sense of child-like fascination that I experienced in my childhood in California; every moment in Korea made me feel excited for the next day to come. I have been planning how to study in Korea since the end of that vacation.

Living in Japan for the past two years has shown me what my true passion is; networking, planning and ensuring that the organizations I work with achieve their goals. I was drawn to South Korea as I searched for ideal places to pursue my degree. Korea's recent economic advancement and the growth of the "Hallyu Wave" is making South Korea a presence in many Western households and communities.

I would like to use my interest in networking and building connections in the art world and sharing American artists with Korea and vice-versa. I dream of becoming a gallery curator in either America or Korea.

(and this is how much I have so far~!)

Kayla, I don't think that you have familiarized yourself enough with the KGSP application essays. Your SOP does not reflect the proper requirements as indicated in the application form. For this essay, the prompt indicates that you have to present a Goal of Study along with a Study Plan. To be highly specific you need to represent the goal of study, title or subject of research, and a detailed study plan. What you developed for your response essay above falls more under the category of a personal statement. In fact, it sounds more like part of it are more qualified for the Letter of Self Introduction. Are you sure you did not get the two essay prompts mixed up when you posted the essay for review here? Please double check. I have a funny feeling that you got the prompts mixed up. Do yourself a big favor, make sure you understand what the prompt you are responding to is asking for first. Then write a relevant draft in relation to the prompt requirements. Don't forget, as with any application if the wrong response is attached to a prompt, you will be endangering your application by forcing a cancellation of your application on the basis of a technicality.

@Holt
Hi Holt!
Sorry for the mix-up, you're absolutely right. This is my letter of self-introduction, not my SOP. I'll edit my thread's title to show that.

With that cleared up, would you be willing to give me advice on my self-introduction draft?
Also, feel free to not answer this since it's a bit personal, but I've seen you reply to almost all of the KGSP essay posts. Are you affiliated with the program in some way? I'd love to get to talk to someone who has been accepted or is apart of the decision process for the KGSP.

Whoops, looks like I can't edit the original post. :/
NOTICE:
To everyone reviewing my application, this is my self-introduction letter, not my SOP. Thank you!

Hi Kayla, in response to your "personal" question, I am a more than 30 year academic consultant veteran who willingly shares all that I know and all of my expertise with the students trying to catch a break in the academic field, whatever field that may be in, within this free forum. My vast experience in various fields has helped countless students achieve, or come close to achieving, their academic desires. I can take a student into the front door when it comes to passing one of the qualifying English international exams, getting the student considered for admission, or considered for a scholarship program. Whether he stays inside or not, whether the student passes the exam or not, gets the scholarship or not, depends on the qualifications / documentation he submits and how he performs in the interview / test.

For your essay, it is always best to present the information in the outline presented by the prompt requirements. The Koreans have their own way of organizing their information content and the outline is normally the best way to ensure that you will stay on track and deliver only the required information within the essay. Since you have a copy of the prompt and its outline, you just need to make sure to stick to the plan with regards to presentation.

As of now, paragraph 2 does not seem to fit in the overall presentation. So I would put a pin in that for now. It may be useful as you edit the essay, just not at the moment. Your essay is still in its draft stage so you have room to move around. Don't focus too much on the way that you worked in Japan and the Asian influences in relation to your work. You are not focusing on the right aspects of the prompt. Read the prompt indications again. Try to discuss each listed presentation within 2 paragraphs at the most because you are limited to font size 10, within a single spaced page. You can write more for now, just make sure you can edit it properly without affecting your desired presentation.

@Holt
Okay, I'll keep working on it, remove some of the more unnecessary elements, and rearrange my points to the prompt. Thank you for your help!