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Cross the vast, aqua blue ocean - Discuss three accomplishments - Health Admin. MBA


SLOOTR 5 / 12 2  
Mar 12, 2013   #1
This the third and final response for the Health Administration MBA essay.

I really need some good advice on how to cut this down to 200 words. HELP! :0) Thank you in advance!


Discuss three of your achievements or accomplishments. (approximately 200 Words)

The rigor of my success has led me down a path of unadulterated adventure, intense melancholy, and peaceful contemplation. Rewind to post high school. There was no choice. Let me take that back, there was a choice. It was, "Go to college, " or "Go to college!" It could be said that my fate was sealed. But, the world was vast and one that I had hardly touched, even in the confines of the small college town where I would eventually earn my undergraduate degree. The tedious commitment and work was finally rewarded. I walked the gangway towards the stage to grasp the prize that had been a mere thought just four years prior. From the crowd, I heard my entire family screaming and at one juncture, I saw my Aunt performing a little jig. It was near Christmas when I graduated with a Bachelor of Science. In retrospect, I do not think they believed there was a better gift than to watch me graduate.

This would not be my first academic accomplishment. This time, I would cross the vast, aqua blue Pacific Ocean to make real my daydreams from the past. I will never forget the day I left. I looked into my mother's eyes searching for that "everything will be okay" message of comfort that only a mother can give. As I moved to embrace her, I started to bawl - a reaction I actually expected from her. She remained calm. Her peaceful heart and warmth was the comfort I needed in that exact moment. Reluctant, I released my embrace. I gave my dad a hug, slapped him on his lower back (our signature love pat) and told him, "I love you. Take care of mom." As I walked away, I glanced back once more. Her sapphire eyes gazed back, letting me know that everything, indeed, was going to be okay. As I set foot on the plane, a gut wrenching excitement overcame my entire being. I was on my way to the place I had always dreamed of living. It took me two years to plan and organize the move to Australia. Yet there I was, reveling in a goal I knew I could accomplish and one I never thought possible. As I sat in my seat, my focus remained on my mom and her piercing cerulean eyes. I thought to myself, "It's going to be okay, Stacy Lee. It's going to be okay." I never saw my mom again.

After my mom's passing just two months after I started my academic coursework, I found myself in a proverbial "Twilight Zone." Yet, I persevered, giving in only to the hard-working values that were instilled as a young child. One semester, I even made the Dean's list. But, just one year, two months, and twenty-five days after my mom's passing, heartache struck, again. My dad, in all of his stoicism and rigidity, emailed to tell me he was sick with pancreatic cancer. I was one semester away from graduating and for the first time in my life, I considered quitting academia so I could be with my dad in what I knew would most likely be his final days. Fortunately, I had a 4-week break in between semesters and made plans to fly home to be with my dad.

As I walked to the first class of my last semester, I pondered if I had made the right decision. My dad's firm words, "You get on that plane and finish what you started. I will be here waiting for you when you are done" lingered, and every day thereafter.

In 2005, I walked the stage to receive my Masters degree. My dad, unable to travel as he intended, was on the other end of my friend's telephone. She secretly made her way to the underside of the stage and held the phone so he could hear my name announced. I grasped the phone from her as I exited the stage. My dying father was there, as he had promised - "I knew you could do it. Now hurry home."

admission2012 - / 481 90  
Mar 13, 2013   #2
Hello,

While this essay is nice and heartwarming, this is not what any good MBA program is looking for. MBA programs are designed to enhance the leadership skills of students. The aim of this short question was to learn more about what experiences have been most rewarding to you. Normally,these should leadership experiences. While one accomplishment can be academic related - simply graduating is not a really strong accomplishment when compared to what your peer applicants will submit. Everyone has issues, as you know, with only 200 words here to discuss three issues, you will not have enough length to fully explain why graduating was such a major accomplishment for you. Therefore, I would suggest that you change your strategy here to where at least one of your experiences/accomplishments should be of a professional - one non-academic nature(Internship, job). One should be academic, but more of a true academic accomplishment like winning the top entrepreneur award at your undergraduate college, and the other can be about experiences that deal with group dynamics (volunteer groups, leadership roles/experiences, community service.) -AAO

Hope this helps
temptprovidence 8 / 163 35  
Mar 14, 2013   #3
oh yes and you do not need to too much focus on the sentiments.. just to be focused on thing you mean to conclude... thats what i mean.
chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Mar 17, 2013   #4
I really like your essay, but add some more accomplishments
avarmaavarma - / 2  
Apr 16, 2013   #5
SLOOTR
Extremely 'mediocre' - certainly not top 10 school material. Nobody cares about your academic accomplishments - so shelve those. Everyone who applies to a top 10 school has a perfect GPA and near perfect test scores. They also have glowing recommendations from top academics and industry professionals. That's not even going to impress the Harvard janitor - much less an admissions counselor.

Now - for the sappy bits (looking into mom's eyes, bawling etc.). The material is good - it is just poorly presented. It reads like a bad paperback novel - and not the writing of a future top level executive. It needs to convey the emotional bonds without sounding sappy - if you can somehow work that.

My essays had all the same shortcomings (years ago) when I applied to top 10 business schools. Fortunately, I had a friend who was a professional writer/proofreader - and she set me straight. I got into Stanford and Harvard - two of my top choices - and two of the hardest schools to get into. (As far as I know, she has since started her own 'essay editing' service - essaytopia dot com . I haven't used the website though, just knew the owner personally when she re worked my essays)

Anyway, good luck with your admission essays - and yes - take it from someone who has been through the process - nothing is more important than your personal essay. Not your test scores, not your work experience - not even your recommendations - every applicant is (near) identical when it comes to those.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 24, 2013   #6
I really need some good advice on how to cut this down to 200 words. HELP! :0) Thank you in advance!

... well, let's see how I can help you :D

After my mom's passing just two months after I started my academic coursework, I found myself in a proverbial "Twilight Zone."

Two months after my mom's death, I began my academic coursework; I found myself in a proverbial "Twilight Zone"
One semester, I even made it to the Dean's list.

My dad, in all of his stoicism and rigidity, emailed to tell me he was sick with pancreatic cancer.

My dad, with all his stoicism and and rigidness emailed me to say that he was suffering with pancreatic cancer.

I considered quitting academia so I could be with my dad in what I knew would most likely be his final days.

I seriously considered quitting academia and be at my dad's bedside in his last few days.


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