Please check my work and tell me how much my score could be. Thank you for your opinions.
Many people are using credit cards or loans to run up huge personal debts that they may be unable to repay. It should therefore be made more difficult to borrow large amounts of money. What are your opinions about that?
These days money has a great role in each section of human life. Every day people of different social groups face difficulties connected with money, but of course the target social group are the poor. Not in a very far past people borrowed money form each other and sometimes because of they were not able to give the money back they had many problems including even stopping being in touch. Now instead of this traditional method of getting needed money we have banks which give some amounts of money. There are many reasons why people borrow great quantities of money from banks today. It is controversial whether it should be made more difficult to take money from banks because sometimes people are really unable to give back as a reason of which they even are put into the prisons, but to me it is more important to make it easy to take loans.
Firstly, in many cases lack of money causes family divorces. Many families collapse because they do not have opportunity to increase their cost of living. Sometimes young couples put off the wedding because their money isn't enough to organize wedding party or to rent an apartment or to buy it. People living in megapolises work for many hours but often their salaries are quiet different from dignified ones. This is one of the main reasons why people borrow huge amounts of money from banks. The worst part of this is that if they delay paying the monthly amount with its per cents they are endanger to lose their houses.
Secondly, lack of money doesn't allow people with bright minds to launch their own businesses. Individuals who have great ideas sometimes do not have a single chance to bring to life their business plans. Is it fair? Of course no! That's why it doesn't matter how much is one's wage for a month, banks have to discuss the idea then decide whether they want to support it or no.
Thirdly, people who have problems with money sometimes have problems with education, too. It is well-known that the most brainiest individuals are risen from poverty but now even when taking loans they are often refused because banks consider they are not able to repay. Of course it is somehow understandable they want to prevent their money but also clerks have to understand they are ruining lives.
Concluding, I can say only that it is very heavy to live with debts and one should think very much before turning to banks, because besides money they lend you as a bonus also many rules, many percents and sinister things which are hidden in every loan.
Mary, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.
- difficulties connec
tedting with money,
- Not in a very far past, ( don't forget your punctuation marks, breath) people borrowed
sometimes because sometimes they're of they were not able to give
including even stopping being in touchcontact with each other .
- Now instead of this traditional method of
gettingborrowing the needed money,
- we have banks
which give some amounts of moneythat provides our financial needs .
- There are many reasons why people borrow
great quantities of money from banks today.
- are really unable to give back
as a reason of which they even are put into theand even end up in prisons,
but to mehowever it is more important to make it easy to take loans.
ly , in many cases lack of moneyfinancial gain causes family divorcesfeud .
- Many families collapse because they do not have the opportunity
increasesustain their cost of living.
Mary, as you can see, there's a lot of work to be done in your essay, I take a break and I'll get back to you as soon as I can to complete the remarks.
- People living in
megapolisesthe metropolis work for
- with its per cent
spenalty they are endangerin danger to lose their houses.
SecondlyNext , lack of money
- Of course not !
- That's why it doesn't matter how much
is one's wagesalary for a month is ,
- banks have to discuss the idea then decide whether they want to support it or not .
Thirdly,P eople who have problems
- It is well-known fact that
the most brainiest individuals are risenwho garnered good education rise from poverty
- understandable they want to
prevent their moneysecure their finances but also clerks
- they also have to understand they are ruining lives.
ConcludingIn conclusion , I canmust say only that it is
very heavyunacceptable to live with heavy debts and
- one should think
very muchfirst before turning to banks, because besides the money they
- lend you
as a bonus also manycomes with a lot of rules , many percents and sinister things whichthat are hidden in every loan.
Mary, this is the final set of corrections on your essay, I spent a considerable hour to tackle it and honestly, it's not looking good at all, I mean the way you write is a direct translation of your ideas, I'm not saying that it's wrong or unacceptable, however, when writing, you have to fine tune and use the proper words that better describe your ideas, more so, use different words in your sentences and not one word all through out the essay.
I'm not sure what band it would score. In quality, it seems comparable to band 6 essays, although I think there are too many errors to make it to the 7 level; but as I said, personally I thought the content of your first body paragraph could have been more convincing.
I really appreciate your work! Thank you much! The problem is I do not have enough vocabulary to use many synonyms in my essays. Next time I will try to fix my often-made mistakes. I will put my writings here.
Mary, knowledge in vocabulary is not gained over time, it's like a profession or your goals, you need to put a little effort here and there.
I don't have any doubt at all that you will keep writing and you will become better with it as you go along.
Remember, the suggestion that we make here on EF is plain suggestion, yes they do help a lot and it really gives the essay that amp that it needs, however this does not mean that we don't find your essay a piece of good writing, we just want to modify it and enhance it to make it stronger.
I started out with very little vocabulary too, what I did that helped a lot?, I read, any paper or reading material I can get my hands with, even when walking, on a train, the bus or anywhere I find something to read, I read. Now, with the help of technology, do yourself a favor, look up a few words in the dictionary up, a few words each day will help you build your vocabulary and inevitably help you in your writing and communication skills.
So, keep writing and read a lot.