Essay 2: Please describe a situation in which you were able to use persuasion to successfully convince someone to see things your way. (300 words or fewer, limited to one page)
Now it's 326 words, I feel that the first paragraph is too wordy and I used the word "monthly" many times. Please help me with my grammar and offer me any suggestions you come up in your mind. Thanks in advance. I appreciate.
When I first started my school in the United States, I used the supplementary credit card issued under my mother's account to pay the school tuition once a semester. In 2010, I discovered the option to pay for the school by monthly installment, and then I suggested my parents to switch to the new payment method. At the beginning, my parents did not agree with me because they did not obvious benefits to change to the plan. Although the monthly payment plan does not charge interests, there is a three percent transaction fee by using credit card to pay off the tuition. However, my parents changed their minds after I elaborated my following points on advantages of using monthly payment plan to pay for the school.
First of all, through the monthly plan, we would pay a relative lower tuition by taking advantage of the appreciation of Chinese Yuan (RMB). As China's economy continues to grow fast, I believe that the appreciation of RMB is unavoidable. Due to the credit card I used to pay for the college was issued by a Chinese bank, the actual amount I paid would be determined by the exchange rate on the day of repayment. Therefore, when Chinese Yuan appreciated, I actually paid a lower tuition.
Another benefit of the monthly tuition plan is to reduce required cash from my parents. My parents used to sell some of their holding stocks to provide about $10,000 dollars for me to pay for my tuition at every beginning of a semester. This action affected the investment plan of my parents. If I only need $2,000 dollars every month, my parents will not have to adjust their investment plan to have a big amount of cashes.
With my above points, my parents agreed with me that the advantages of the monthly payment is bigger than the drawbacks and I changed to pay for my tuition through the monthly plan ever since.
At the beginning, my parents did not agree with me because they did not obvious benefits to change to the plan.- This sounds awkward. Did you mean to say see the obvious benefits to change the plan?
I like your essay but I would suggest that you center your essay more on the struggles and resistance you met while trying to convince them because I think that is what they will be looking for. Not only that, it shows your character and your perseverance. It shows your determination
Fire up your conclusion.
Hope this helps. COuld you look at mine please and offer some tips.
Another user feedback:
Don't be scared of using contractions if it makes your essay flow better.
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Related: Trying to convence somone to change their behavior - Help writing an essay
"i need help writing an essay in five paragraph form trying to convince someone to change their behavior. i need help coming up with ideas and how to write it."
The first thing you must do is choose your topic. Is this essay to be addressed to the person you are trying to convince? Or will the essay be about what you must do to convince that person? Either way, you must decide who you are trying to convince and what behavior you would like them to change. Once you have decided that, we can help you come up with arguments and a way to organize them into a five paragraph essay. You will need three reasons why the person should change the behavior, one for each of the body paragraphs of the essay.
