Not bad, not bad at all, but I know you want it to be perfect. It could use a little cleaning (of errors) and a little tightening (there are a lot of auxiliary and passive verbs that don't add to your narrative). It could also use a little more sentence variety. I hope that you don't mind my nitpicking here.
My curiosity for medicine materialized by growing up going to Cook County Hospital (currently known as John Stroger Medical Center) and observing how doctors went the extra mile to help patients.Curiosity
isn't the best word here. You haven't used it incorrectly, but one of the connotations of curiosity
is that the person is interested in things that do not concern them. It also has a quality about it that isn't very serious--a person might have a curiosity in a passing whim. I am not crazy about "by growing up going to," but I am having a hard time rephrasing that right now.
When I was younger, my family did not have the luxury of being able to afford medical insurance.
This is a little verbose. There are an awful lot of verbs that are just hanging out not doing much. Try something like: As a child, my family was unable to afford medical insurance.
Through this experience I saw first hand how patients in an urban community were treated.
Add a comma after the word experience
. Or reword this sentence altogether to omit some of the verbs: I experienced first hand how patients in urban communities are treated. I used the present tense because things have not changed all that much since you were a patient and you are hoping to change the way urban patients are treated. I also changed communities
to the plural because you are able to extrapolate. Let me add another thought here ... you start off by saying how wonderful the doctors are and then you deride the system before stating again that the doctors treat everyone. As a reader, I feel like I am on a roller coaster. It is okay for you to say that there is room for improvement, but the ride needs a little more transition.
The quality of health care is adequate, but the vast number of patients compared to the number of doctors is astounding.
This is a place where you could make that transition. While the medical staff is high quality, the exorbitant patient to provider ratio is daunting. If you are going to use the word healthcare
, it should be one word. My spellchecker highlights it, but it is the more common usage and is easier on the eyes.
Patients either wait long hours or give up and leave without seeing the doctor at all.
Take out give up and
. It doesn't add anything and it makes it sound like the patients are not terribly sick, but make the choice not to wait to be seen by a doctor.
The realization of this dilemma inspired my current decision to volunteer at a free clinic and my future aspirations of practicing medicine at an urban hospital such as John Stroger Medical Center.Realization
isn't the best word here because it can confuse the reader. It can mean that you are becoming aware of something, but it also means bringing a plan to fruition. The way it reads, the sentence could be saying that the current dilemma is the result of someone's evil machinations that are just now being realized. Future
are redundant when used together. Aspirations
, by their very nature, are in the future (unless you are using past-tense verbs, but I am not going to get bogged down in possible scenarios here). I'd drop "such as John Stroger Medical Center" here. It isn't needed and adds unnecessarily to the word count. Especially when you start your next sentence with John ...
showed me that a true medical professional cares for the patient
I think this would have more impact if you pluralized it. ... showed me that true medical professionals care for patients ... there is more continuity there and the mental picture that you saw more than one doctor caring for more than one patient on more than one occasion.
That is what I want to do; I want to be a doctor that gives privileged services to the underprivileged, especially underprivileged children.
I'd change up the words here a little instead of hitting the reader with the right, left, right combo of privileged, underprivileged, underprivileged.
It is my own bias, but I am not crazy about the words privileged
. What does privileged mean really? A special right given to a few. And underprivileged? A privilege is often something that is not tangible. I guess you could say that medical care is a privilege, but it isn't flowing for me. The second underprivileged
is unnecessary regardless. If it were my essay (and it is not so feel free to ignore this), I'd say: That is what I want to do; I want to be a doctor that provides high-quality services to the underprivileged, especially children.
Whew! It takes a long time when I nitpick. I'll let other comment more or come back later if you don't mind my (figurative) red ink.