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Essay on different programmes (English, Finance, Global Studies)


mellory 1 / 1  
Jun 29, 2009   #1
With this Statement of Purpose, I wish to support my application to higher education in Sweden.

My name is ___, I'm ___ years old. I graduated from The _____ with Bachelor's degree in Finance Management.
My goal is to obtain the chance to engage in these programmes in English. And here is what I think about importance of fluent English in the contemporary world. If we consider all the people from the countries that use English as their official language we can find out that number of people that speak English as their mothertongue is about few hundred million people. And if we add the rest of people that speak English as their second language to that amount, we get over one billion. Tremendous number, isn't it? If you speak it fluently, you may count on a well paid job in many countries. Also, if you're fan of international tourism there's no doubt you have to learn English - it will keep you safe and confident whenever you go. Currently I reside in Sweden where English level among it's inhabitants is quite impressive. The big number of Swedish people would never use dictionary or phrasebook in conversation and speak so clearly, as if they have lived in U.K. or U.S.A. for many years. The amazing thing about education in whole Scandinavia is that it allows people study using English besides native languages of Scandinavian countries. I have studied English in Russia, for 10 years in school and 5 years at the university where my primary course of study was economy, have travelled all over Europe and got plenty of friends with whom we only share English as common language. On the third year of study I moved to Moscow and got my first experience in working in international companies, eventually being promoted and getting the position of branch manager in one of them. Then I successfully graduated university and got a new job at the Svenska Handelsbanken in Moscow which has majority of employees from Sweden, so English has become the only way to communicate with the rest of the staff. That helped me a lot to improve my basic skills and move to another level in language on my degree's field, so since then I felt enough confident to try living and working in Sweden. Now it feels comfortable to use English in a lot of situations instead of my mothertongue Russian, but my professional part still lacks skills and experience. Also, the great interests of world's economy motivate and support me come along the way. Thus, I am willing to study in English really deeply and hoping to reach higher levels step by step, so one day I could impress these people around as well as they impress me. The best is yet to come.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jun 29, 2009   #2
The chief problem with the essay as a whole is that it is in one big paragraph. That makes it difficult to read. I suspect that, as you try to break the essay into paragraphs, you will discover its structural weaknesses.

Here are a few specific fixes you can make while breaking the essay into paragraphs:

My goal is to obtain the chance to engage in these programmes in English.

What programs? The word "these" suggests that you are referring back to something you've said before. But, since this is your first sentence, what "these" programmes might be is unclear.

And here is what I think about importance of fluent English in the contemporary world.

It is so rarely appropriate to start a sentence with "and" that it's probably best to avoid doing so altogether.

"Currently I reside in Sweden, where the English level among its inhabitants is quite impressive."

"The majority of Swedish people would never use a dictionary or phrasebook..."

I notice, in general, that you often omit articles (a, an, the), so get into the habit of proofreading for that.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jun 30, 2009   #3
Are you applying to English Lit (which is what your thread title implies?) Because if so, nothing you say in your essay is relevant. Assuming that you are actually applying for Finance, which makes more sense given your stated BA, then, well, nothing you say in the essay is actually relevant. It's nice that you want to polish your English skills, but that isn't why one takes a graduate degree in finance.

And I agree with Simone about never starting sentences with "and."
OP mellory 1 / 1  
Jun 30, 2009   #4
thanks a lot for advices!!!I make over my essay!


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