The worlds of science & fashion mesmerizes me. I took science and became an Engineer and now is the time to explore fashion. Ever since my childhood I have enjoyed designing dresses for myself and my family members. The whole process fascinates me, from bringing my designs to fruition, to finding or creating the perfect accessories, hair and makeup. My mother has been a great source of inspiration and it is she who introduced me to designing a fabric into beautiful, unique, creation of ours.
I constructed my first garment, an Indian ethnic wear known as "Salwar kameez" at the age of 14. I had hand sewn embellishments onto a plane white crepe fabric and had used in my first project. Beginning then until now, I have designed quite a number of garments, mostly experimenting with Indian wear, western and some fusion styles. Me and my sister love shopping and growing up in a country like India, we had wide exposure to varied fashion ranging from elegant Indian ethnic wear to cheap fashionable apparel to expensive classy wear. There were numerous times when I came across an apparel or an accessory , and thought to myself "I can make this". And the next moment I know, I would be figuring out materials I need and how I can recreate it to make it more beautiful than what I had seen.
Whenever I wore outfits I made, I was appreciated by my friends and family. Indeed, each time my friends also said that I must consider making a career in the field since I love and enjoy doing it the most. So yes, lot of motivation and inspiration did come from my friends.
I consider being creative as one of my strengths, thus want to make a career of it. I wish to create a line of clothing that offers comfort & style customized, fusion wear of different styles from different lands, yet that has a personal touch of me. In order to become a professional in the field, I need to improvise, at the same time learn a lot more. Ever since my marriage was fixed and I knew I would be moving to California from India, I decided it was about right time to follow my passion, my dream. After doing a lot of research on fashion schools that meet my set criteria, I learnt about your institute, one among the top fashion schools in the US and across the globe. Accompanied with world-class faculty and state-of-art technologies I am going to gain immense knowledge to prepare and present myself globally. I had the opportunity to visit the Annual Graduation Fashion Show of 2016 and see the amazing student work on display. I also had a chance to interact with one of MFA Textile Design students and learnt more about the university. Recently I took a tour of the campus, I was so inspired by it that I was absolutely positive I wanted to attend AAU.
I currently hold a Bachelor's degree in Metallurgical & Material Science Engineering. I wish to combine my knowledge in advanced material sciences and professional designing skills I acquire from MFA in Fashion Design course and explore the growing world of possibilities of technologically advanced, eco friendly smart fabrics that is the future of sustainable fashion. It is this realization that has planted a strong dream in me, to become a Scientific Fashion Designer. Through this, I wish to be able create my niche in the International Fashion Scenario. An area I wish to learn more about is application of 3D printing in fashion. As your institute has state-of-art 3D printers and I have seen exploration of the same in student art works of jewelry making and apparel, I wish to take advantage of the available resource.
I intend to learn everything about fashion designing because a complete knowledge is essential for success. And a renowned institution such as yours, will sure help hone my skills, guide me in the right direction and help realize my dream.
Hi Shruti! You paint a nice picture of your background and your passion for fashion. However, the way your essay is now, I don't think it's enough to make you truly stand out as a potential student. I have no idea what Metallurgical & Material Science Engineering is, and someone reading this from a fashion school may not either. I think you have really missed an opportunity to discuss you past and how it connects to your future. What skills did you learn in your undergraduate education? What traits did you acquire? How will they help you to be successful or stand out as a fashion student? Explain more about your goals and how you plan to achieve them. What are your next steps after graduation? How can you realize your dreams of making an impact in the field of sustainable fashion?
I think you really should try elaborating on all of these things and then come back with an updated version. Unless you have a word limit you should try to create a clear picture of yourself without saying too much. I know it can be tricky, but I think right now, you need more!
You do have editing that needs to be done: grammar, punctuation, word usage, etc.. but right now I see focusing on the content as more important than editing.
Thank you so much @Hiddengrace. I shall revise the draft considering your inputs and repost for further modifications. However, since I have 700 word limit, I need to carefully redo it so I don't miss out on important parts.
Hi Hiddengrace! as suggested, I have tried to bring out what you were looking for.
Hi Shruti, I think that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. It is also nice to see another draft revision of yours. If you have followed the feedback from Grace, I just want to continue to further check your essay and give some corrections if possible. I hope you find it helpful.
1st paragraph:
- The worlds of science &and fashion mesmerizesmesmerize me. (avoid writing a symbol for an academic essay) and (subject-verb agreement problem)
- I took science and became an Engineer. andThen now is the time to explore fashion.
- ...my childhood I havehad enjoyed designing...
- ...fabric into beautiful, unique,beautifully unique creation of ours.
2nd paragraph:
- There were numerous times when I came across an apparel or an accessory and thought to myself... (no comma needed because after "and" is only verb)
- eachevery time my friends also said that I must consider making a career in thethis field since...
3rd paragraph:
- ...I would be moving to California from Indiafrom India to California ...
- I learnt about your(better write the name) institute, one among the top fashion schools...
- ...a Masters degree in Fashion Design.
- I had the opportunity to visit the Annual Graduation Fashion Show of 2016 and seesaw the amazing...
- Recently, I tookhave taken a tour of the campus...
I have incorporated your corrections into my revised draft. Thank you very much for your assistance @Iksan
Here's some more feedback on editing. Mochtar has given you some great feedback and here is mine as well. I think you did a great job expanding the content. Next time you can put your edits in a new post below your original essay so we can keep track of the differences. :) I've also removed some unnecessary words to help you with making sure you don't exceed the required word limit- gives you more wiggle room for your writing.
The worlds of science &and fashion mesmerizes me.
I took science classes,and became an Ee ngineer and now is the time to explore fashion. I'm not sure about your usage of the word explore. Explore makes it sound casual, like a hobby. This is your passion. You don't just want to explore it, you want to live, breathe, and thrive in it.
Ever since my childhood , I have enjoyed designing dresses for myself and my family members .
The whole process fascinates me
My mother has been a great source of inspiration and it is she who; she introduced me to designing a fabric into beautiful, unique, creation of ours.
known as "Salwar kameez" at the age of 14fourteen. Remember, numbers are unprofessional.
onto a planeplain white crepe fabric and had used in my first project.this is awkward. You could remove it altogether or say something like "to create my first garment"
Beginning then until now,unnecessary
Me and my sistermy sister and I love shopping
and growing up in a country like India, where we had wide exposure to varied fashion ranging fromsuch as elegant Indian ethnic wear to, cheap fashionable apparel toand expensive classyelegant wear
. There were numerous times when I came across an apparel or an accessory , and thought to myself "I can make this"I could make it
. And the next moment I know,Soon enough, I would be figuring outchoosing materials I needed and figuring out how I cancould recreate it to make it more beautiful
I was appreciated by my friends and family. appreciated here is a weird choice. Yes, the appreciated it, but they were probably more in awe or excited or amazed or something. Think about your word choice here.
Indeed, each time I showed off my creation
my friends also said that I must consider making a career in the field try something more powerful than "my friends said I must consider" Consider and said are not very powerful words. What about "my friends insisted I make a career out of my passion"? Then the loving it and enjoying it is implied and therefore unnecessary.
since I love and enjoy doing it the most. So yes, lot of motivation and inspiration did come from my friends.all of this is not needed and just taking up space.
I'll come back to finish this in a bit! These edits are taking a while! :)
Here's the second part!
I consider being creative as one ofmy creativity my biggest strengths , thus I want to make a career of it.
I wish to create a line of clothing that offers comfort & style customized, fusion wear of different styles from different lands, yet that has a personal touch of me. this whole sentence is awkwardly written. Try something like "It's my dream to create fusion wear clothing with style from all different lands that is both comfortable and stylish." I don't think you need to say that it has your own personal touch- of course it will have that! It's your line!
I need to improvise, at the same time learn a lot more. Not sure what you mean by improvise. Do you mean improve? Improvise means to make things up. If you do mean improvise, you should clarify why you need to do so.
Ever sinceWhen I discovered my marriage waswould be fixed and I knew I would be moving
I decided it was aboutthe right time to follow my passion, my dream. not about the right time. Exactly the right time! Also, I don't think you need to say passion and dream. One or the other will work fine. :)
After doing a lot of researchingon fashion schools that meet my set criteria,
I learntlearned about your institute,: one amongof the top fashion
Accompanied withby world-class faculty and state-of-art technologiestechnology,
I am going towill gain immense knowledge
to prepare and present myself globally. another kind of awkwardly written phrase. Try to be more specific.
chance to interact with one ofan MFA Textile Design students and learnt more about the university. I know you were inspired by the tour, but what was it about interacting with students and seeing their work that was special or important to you. It's good to say you did this, but it's even better to explain why it was so meaningful.
Recently I took a tour oftoured the campus, what you had was actually fine, and so was Mochtar's suggestion as well. I'm just giving you more options and opportunities to be more succinct.
I wish to combine my knowledge in advanced material sciences andwith the professional designing skills I acquire
from obtaining an MFA in Fashion Design course.
With this degree, I hope toand explore the growing world of possibilities of technologically advanced, ecologically friendly smart fabrics that is the future of sustainable fashion.
planted athe strong dream in me, to become a Scientific Fashion Designer.
International Fashion Scenario.What is this? Why is this capitalized? If you just mean the field, say the field. Scennario is really awkward as a word choice.
An area I wish to learn more about isthe application of 3Dthree dimensional printing
I wish to take advantage of the availablethis resource.
And a renowned institution such as yours, will surely help me hone my skills, guide me in the right direction and help realize my dream.
Okay, well that's it. I know I have given you a lot to think about. Some of my edits are just my particular preference as an author, and I've done a lot of re-wording your ideas so your writing is more succint and professional. I hope it's been helpful! :) Good luck and take care.
Hi Katheryn! Your feedback has been very useful to me. I have revised my draft again, and shall wait for your further corrections. Each time my draft turns better, I am gaining more confidence.
Thank you!
If you put your updated essay in the bottom of this post, I'd be happy to take another look at it!
