Hi everyone. Here is my essay and it is a bit out of word limit (773 words, limit is 750 words). I need you guys opinion on the content and use of words. Thanks!
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Essay 1: The mission of the Master of Finance program at MIT Sloan is to create the next generation of principled, global financial leaders with state-of-the-art training in modern finance theories and methods.
- Please discuss past academic and professional experiences and accomplishments that will help you succeed in the MFin program. Include achievements in finance, math, statistics, and computer science as applicable.
When I watched the television showHow Do They Do It, I was astonished to see how some people become the experts of a single narrow area by spending their life time doing some seemingly ordinary jobs. After trying to be a professional pianist, a badminton player and an oral English teacher, I have finally narrowed down my career choices and decided to work at a consulting firm after graduation from master's degree. I hope to discover the hidden truth of financial issues by devoting my future career into this area. Therefore, I want to start from being a consultant who can help customers evaluate their business plans and provide investment advice by doing market research and synthesizing massive amounts of data.
After taking part in a business simulation contest, I became interested in data processing as I learned its power in financial modeling. In the Management of Corporate Financial Risk class, I disregarded the inadequate programming skills of an accounting major student and aced my class assignment of demonstrating Support Vector Machines (SVM) with an application. Rather than sticking to the reference materials my professor provided, which only introduced the application of SVM on SPSS, I read a few books introducing machine learning with MATLAB and wrote some codes successfully to predict the return on investment using financial data in the past. After adding the factorial analysis of SPSS to my application of SVM, my final thesis about this application was published and included in my teacher's teaching materials. I may not be familiar with what I am doing, but I am never afraid of trying and I would make every effort to realize my own innovation. That is my source of power to face new challenges.
In addition to some project experiences in college, I also gained valuable experiences through internships at CITIC security and Guodu Futures. I have always been interested in the Chinese financial system which has yet to hit maturity to balance out the labor-intensive small and medium-sized firms. This internship experiences gave me reals insights into Chinese immature financial market. Even though I was in one of the biggest security companies in China, I learned that privately-raised company bond for small and medium enterprises, a product which would benefit the Chinese financial system, was in limited release. Also, when I tried to evaluate a firm using the Discounted Cash Flow model, my senior colleagues told me that in real circumstances, human factors have a strong influence on the estimation. My exposures to the reality of Chinese financial system immensely stimulated my desire for further study in the field of finance. I got a deeper understanding of the financial theories and by reflecting what I have learned in class on real work, I can learn faster and better.
During my undergraduate years, I strive not only to excel academically, but also to shine in extracurricular and organizational activities. My active participation in three different sport teams has brought me a lot of awards and friendship. I also built up a strong communication skill in various organizational activities. Take my recent work experience as an oral English teacher for example, I successfully cooperate with my supervisor whose life perspective is very different from my own. While I insist on the value of college education, my supervisor believes that the tertiary education does not matter if one is earning good money. At the beginning, he often rejected my requests for leaves to attend my university classes, but I learned how to respect one another's differing ideas and got over our differences by focusing on our same goal, which is improving our class quality. Dealing with kids is also a hard work. Some kids are so sensitive that they will cry if the presents you give them seem cheaper than others'; some kids are full of dirty words and will not listen to what you say. I managed to keep them all under control and I did become a better organizer. I believe my various experiences can add to the diversity richness to your program.
My current education may be enough for me to realize my short term goal in China. But in order to realize my dream of becoming an economist, I need to see how a fully developed financial system works in the US by continuing my education. The rigorous curriculum of your program and an outstanding atmosphere of teamwork will help improve my professional ability and guide me to my future goal, Therefore, I am longing to join your esteemed program, where I can absorb the knowledge quickly and utilize my strength to build up a strong network.
Shiyun, after proof reading your essay, I believe this is going to be a long stretch for MIT.
Don't get me wrong, your essay have the making of a good one, I just need you to tweak
your words a little bit, strengthen them by using big bold words but make sure that it is easy to comprehend,
you don't really want your essay to be that creative for it not to be understood.
Now of all the paragraphs that I had gone through, I see the final paragraph to be easily fixed by the following modification.
- My current education may beis enough for me to realize my short term goal in China.
- ButHowever in order to realize my dream of becoming an economist,
- The rigorous curriculum of your program and an outstandingthe conducive learning atmosphere
- Therefore, I am longing to join your esteemed program, whereShould my admission to the program be possible,
- I can absorb the knowledge I will quickly acquire and utilize
- will be dedicated to my strength to build up a strong network.
There you have it Shiyun, I hope my corrections help.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know how it went, we'd love to hear from you.
