Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Graduate   % width Posts: 2


"dreams drive men of purpose" Personal_Statement_PhD_Mech engineering


merinadica 2 / 3  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
here is it. i think there are lots of problems. specially the sentences does not seem to be smooth. the introductory sentences is copy-paste. i like the "dreams drive men of purpose" so much.

It is said that "dreams drive men of purpose". Remarkable achievers have always been driven by a simple goal, to make a difference.

My entire educational career has been spent in the most prestigious organizations and academic environments of my country. But I always remember the moment in my second year of guidance school when I was assigned a bonus homework in which I and my classmates had to write a special computer program. My teacher told us that in his entire years of teaching; only one student was able to write that computer program. Being a curious, persistent person who truly believes that "just the impossible is impossible", I started to work out on the assignment. Although writing computer program was one of my enjoyable interests, at the same time it was very challenging for 12 years old boy to run a complex program on computers correctly. being successful on accomplishing the homework, gave me such great confidence in my abilities that I came to believe that interest, tenacity and will power can pave my way through any goal in my life.

Having a great desire about the world of physics and mathematics, I was assured that a career as mechanical engineer is best suited to me. During my undergraduate study I had carried out different programming projects on various field of mechanical engineering including heat transfer and fluid dynamics. Also enrolling in diverse courses provided me a great chance to enhance my experience in different areas and find out the capabilities of a mechanical engineer. Acquainting with micro/nanofluidic during my graduate studies, I found it a combination of all my interest. As the first encounter, it was very surprising to realize that all the regular laws of flow will break down when the geometry dimensions shrinks to nanoscales and, what`s more, just the complex, exquisite Boltzmann equation was enough to model the motion of all particles being in the existence. I was literally the first student and a pioneer in my school whose Bachelor and Master projects was in the computational Micro/Nanoflows. Beside all the hardship I had to face, I tried to walk my way and started to learn hot debated topic of microfluidic by reading new books and journals while keeping track of prominent universities research laboratories. Learning the fundamentals of flow physics, followed by different models of fluid simulation gave me an extensive insight about flow physics in nanoscale regions. Aside from my educational career, casual outdoor hobbies like swimming and mountain climbing have helped me so far to keep fresh and I generally unwind by playing some personal favorites on the guitar. I believe in team work, and in my experience being in a team allows you to learn about sportsmanship and improves your social abilities.

I believe that X.X.X has a very strong faculty and advanced research facilities which offers impressive research-intensive programs. Such an academic environment agrees very well with my academic and research interests which help me a lot to fulfill my goals and become a knowledgeable professor to research and develops the incredible field of Micro/Nanoflows. I am convinced that my academic credentials of a top tier education with a strong scientific component, my professional experience in the computational fluid dynamics especially Micro/Nanofluidic, and my personal characteristics such as good communication skills, leadership qualities, and team work attitude make me a worthy candidate for mechanical engineering program at the X.X.X.

Any comment is much appreciated
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
Use the active voice:
I spent my entire educational career has been spent in the most prestigious organizations and academic environments of my country, but I always remember the moment in my second year of guidance school when I was assigned a bonus homework in which I and my classmates had to write a special computer program. ---> yes, I see what you mean about choppiness. What does this memory have to do with what you just said about being in a prestigious school? The thing is, you need to apply this rule:

one paragraph = one idea.

Although writing computer program was one of my enjoyable interests, at the same time it was very challenging for a twelve year-old boy to run a complex program on computers correctly.

Now I see that the last sentence of the first para is about confidence, so I think you should revise the topic sentence this way:

I spent my entire educational career has been spent in the most prestigious organizations and academic environments of my country, but even this privilege did not empower me as much as a special moment in my second year of guidance school. I was assigned...

... and at the end of the paragraph, you mention confidence, which goes with "empowered."

This way, the paragraph is all about the confidence you gained, and it does not seem to give 3 different ideas.
:-) good luck!!!


Home / Graduate / "dreams drive men of purpose" Personal_Statement_PhD_Mech engineering
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳