Hello everyone! Here is my essay for Duke MMS and I am 23 words out of word limit. So please share your opinion on where I should cut or how can I improve my sentences. Thank you guys very much!
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【500 words limit】The MMS: How will you be engaged as a student (both in and out of the classroom), and how will your background and previous experiences add value to the experience of your fellow students?
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It is commonly acknowledged that a successful project always consists of people who can enrich the performance of each individual. As an Asian student with various professional backgrounds including accounting, piano and sport, I have the ability provide insights to projects from various perspectives, while remaining sensitive and cooperative within the team setting. I agree with what John Maxwell said, "Leadership is not about titles, positions, or flow charts. It is about one life influencing another". With this in mind, I will continuously strive to deal with discrepancies, challenges and emergencies, in order to attain the common goal of my team. This strategy will motivate me and my teammates to work together and overcome any difficulties that we may encounter. By cooperating with and learning from the young breed of enthusiasts at Fuqua, I would be able to find supportive peers in my future career.
To be more specific, I would like to elaborate on my data analysis ability and my solid business background which will contribute to the success of my team. While doing my class assignment of demonstrating Support Vector Machines (SVM) with an application, I wrote some codes on MATLAB successfully to predict the return on investment using past financial data. Rather than sticking to the reference materials my professor provided, which only introduced the application of SVM on SPSS, I learned machine learning with MATLAB by myself and my final thesis about this specific application was published on Global Information Guide No.625. Along with my solid mathematical background as "level A" applied for all my mathematical classes including Advanced Mathematics, Linear Algebra and Statistics, I am sure I have got the data analysis ability that every project requires.
My internships were as robust as my academic backgrounds and they enhanced my business background. My first internship at a security company taught me to prepare for product promotion. My second internship allowed me to learned accounting principle by generating accounting entries and filling financial documents. My last internship at XXX Futures taught me to advise customers to make investment decisions by processing financial data and benchmarking. These experiences granted me an overall picture of the Chinese financial industry and how business operates which I believe will beneficial for the group projects I will encounter in the future.
Outside the classroom, I would attend meetings with prospective employers and speaker-events with some impressive and accomplished trend setters to keep abreast of the latest researches and prepare for my career. In addition, I will actively participate in different extracurricular programs, as per my time as an undergraduate student, to demonstrate my athletic abilities and professional piano skills and to win glory for Fuqua. The sport tradition of Duke University appeals to me as I am the kind of person that spend almost every minute of my leisure time in sport. In sports, mind endurance is as important as physical endurance and I have learned to work under pressure when cooperating and competing with different people. As the team member of three sport teams in my university, I am certain that I will be able to represent the strong sport culture of Duke.
Shiyun, let me try to assist you with your essay.
1st paragraph
- By cooperating withCooperation and learning from
- I wouldwill ( mind your verb tenses ) be able to find supportive peers in my future career.
2nd paragraph
- To be more specific,(being elaborate is being specific, so this phrase is not necessary ) I would like...
3rd paragraph
- My first internshipThe first one ( we have already establish that this part of the essay talks about your internship) at a security company taught - My second internshipone allowed me to
- learned accounting principles
Final paragraph
- I will actively participate
- in different extracurricular programs, as per my time as an undergraduate student, to demonstrate
There you have it Shiyun, I hope this help enhance your essay.
Shiyun, let me see what i can do.
- As thea team member
- of three sport teams in mythe university,
- I am certain that I will be able toin representing the strong sports culture of Duke.
- operates which I believe will be beneficial for thein group projects
- I encounter in the future.
- The sport tradition of Duke University
- as per myto make use of my time as an undergraduate student,
There you have it Shiyun, i hope this helps.
Do let us know if you need further assistance, mind your choice of words,
go straight to the point specially that you have a word count restriction,
this way you will be able to mainstream ideas and be able to tell your story
in direct relation to what the prompt is asking you to write.
