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Dwelling into cities can reveal important characteristics of a society that inhabited there


sid052 2 / 5  
Sep 1, 2015   #1
To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities

Hello again friends, here is my another essay which i would very much appreciate if you could review it according to the standard of GRE keeping in mind i only had 30 mins for this task

Since the beginning of this world human race have depended on the structure of major cities to understand the thinking of the people living there. I too agree with the point that to get a dipper insight of the society's value one must look into the structure of the major cities. By structure I don't mean that presence of big statues or memorial statues I mean that one need to understand the value of the society which one can learn easily by looking at the social structure with in the big cities of any civilization because most of the population of any civilization resides in and around the big cities.

One can understand about India by merely looking at its major cities like Varanasi, Delhi, Bombay, Chennai. If one is visiting Varanasi then at the end of the trip one can conclude that India is majorly a Hindu County where people worship different kinds of God as there are some of the famous temples in Varanasi. There are lots of ghats near the river ganga where in evening a humongous Arti takes place. Varanasi not only include temples it is home to one of the best university in India Banaras hindu university which is Asia's 2nd largest residential university. So by looking all these structural feature of Varanasi one can conclude that Indian society is basically a Hindu society with an emphasis on studies.

Moving towards Bombay or Mumbai one can find western culture more prominent here people are always in hurry from morning till night. So one can consider that people of India are hard working people . The local train which cover complete Mumbai is running form early in the morning to late night which help commuter to reach their destination safely. One important thing about Mumbai is there is a special team working in Mumbai which delivers lunch boxes to various offices through out Mumbai delivering approximately 1lakh lunch boxes every day without a single mistake. This famous organization is called as dabbe-walla. So by studying the social structure of Mumbai one can conclude that what are the people of Mumbai do in their daily life and how hard is to survive in a society like this.

So finally I would like to conclude that dwelling in to the most important cities of that society can reveal important characteristics of a society like the positive qualities, negative qualities, nature of the people living in that society.

szhang25 15 / 21 8  
Sep 1, 2015   #2
"I too agree with the point that to get a dipper insight of the society's value one must look into the structure of the major cities."

Although first person is acceptable in persuasive essays, I think it would be better to remain more objective. So restating this opinion as an objective thesis might be better.

"By structure I don't mean that presence of big statues or memorial statues I mean that one need to understand the value of the society which one can learn easily by looking at the social structure with in the big cities of any civilization because most of the population of any civilization resides in and around the big cities."

This sentence is the last sentence of your introduction, but it seems to leave the introduction incomplete. Rather than using this as the last sentence, switch it with the previous sentence and add a hook before both sentences. In addition, it sounds very colloquial to use "By structure I don't mean...". Try and stay away from "I" and contractions such as "don't."

Your body paragraphs are very rich and full of examples, which is really good. Replacing some of these examples with connections back to your thesis elaborating why they support your opinion may help to make your essay stronger and more focused.

"So finally I would like to conclude that dwelling in to the most important cities of that society can reveal important characteristics of a society like the positive qualities, negative qualities, nature of the people living in that society."

This is a simply conclusion, which may be the result of lack of time, but in general it is a good idea to spend more time on your introduction and conclusions than your body paragraphs. Try to restate your thesis at least in the last paragraph.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Sep 1, 2015   #3
I would like to give you some feedback.

I would suggest deleting sincethebeginningofthisworld . You could state: "Many people have depended...". I wanted you to make this change because there were no major cities, as we define it, since the beginning of this world.

Although there are errors in the second paragraph, I understand the meaning and there are many examples.

The opening of the third paragraph could be divided into two sentences. Place a period after here. Then start a new sentence discussing how people are always in a hurry. I am glad you used the form of public transportation as an example. Yet, I think you need more details. Is the train crowded? Also, why are lunch boxes delivered? More details could help you explain the difficulties or economic hardships.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Sep 2, 2015   #4
- ...the thinking of the people living therehere .
- I toodefinitely agree with the...
- ...point that to get a dipperdeeper ( I wish you mean "deeper") insight...

- One can understand about India by merely...
- ...prominent here, (don't forget your punctuation marks) people are..
- ...always in a hurry from morning till night.
- So one can consider that people offrom India are hard working people .
- The local train which completely cover complete Mumbai is ...
- ...running form early in the morning to late...

SoF inally I would like to conclude..

There you have it a few remarks and guidelines from me, I hope it helps.


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