My elder brother has great impact on my life - influential person essay

Influences that shaped my life

I was born in Quetta, in the Baluchistan province of Pakistan in 1998. During my childhood and teen years, my father was the best role model I could have hoped for. A Driver who had struggled hard in bringing himself and his family out of poverty through pure hard work, he taught me to work hard, be honest, and respect others. I have one elder brother who have great impact on my life. Early when I was a teenager our family had very serious issues of poverty and due to which my elder brother had to quit education and started working so that It could help financially. Since then my brother is helping my family financially and works hard for my education. Without his concrete initiatives I might have not continued my education.

Meanwhile, when I got admission in college, I was unable to pay the tuition fee and at that very moment my brother tried his level best to arrange the tuition fee but we could not make it. My brother wanted me to continue my education what may and therefore I got an opportunity of scholarship in my college which was mainly for poor boys and in this way, I passed my college on a scholarship. And again, I give the whole credit to my brother who was always there for my support. I tried my level best to get admission in the university for undergraduate degree program. I applied for a scholarship and I passed the test got admission in university where still its my third year in the university studying civil engineering.

Therefore, my brother has great impact on my life. He is still with me and supports me at every moment of my life and it is one of his cherished dream to see me successful in my life want me to study abroad and I am quiet ambitious and hopeful to continue my further education in one of the world's top universities.

@saeed147
Welcome here. We always like seeing new people come into the forum. I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for you.

Firstly, while the background information cited in the first paragraph was necessary to establish a communicative partnership with the readers, you definitely needed to insert the part regarding your brother from here. It came midway of the paragraph instead of in the very first sentences. Bear in mind that, from the get-go, there should already be clarity on the general theme of the essay.

The second paragraph of the essay, while it was great in giving specific details about your journey, it certainly lacked being more put-together as a paragraph in an essay. Consider that you need to prioritize information instead of jamming everything into one phrasing.

Hi Maria, this is my feedback with your paragraph. My english is still limited, but you can check if you think it's right.

- when I was a teenager, our family
- , I might have not continued ...
- quit school/dropping out of school
- you can use "make every effort" like " try one's level best"
- an undergraduate degree program
- I got (or was) admitted to university
- He is still with me and supports ... => I think it's too long for a sentence