Hello guys
Here is my essay, please tell me which part you can't understand or the purpose of paragraphs are not clear.
Thanks!
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becoming a fully-fledged FSA
With the advent of aging society, long-term care system for the elderly in Taiwan is a quickly emerging market. Concerning insurance industry, I found that Taiwan has a respectable property and casualty insurance industry, but long-term care insurance products are still uncommon. Moreover, Taiwanese prefer casualty insurance, investment-oriented insurance, and life insurance in particular, but do not invest in long-term care insurance, pension insurance, and indexed life policies, which are widespread in America, because Taiwanese are not only unfamiliar with these products, they also can't find similar schemes in Taiwan. Therefore, I decide to study for a master degree in the US since I realize that America has a sound system for aging society after a thorough discussion with professors. I wish to go to the US to learn about the knowledge of American Long-Terms Care Insurance and implement these services in my country. Also, to become an actuary, academic knowledge is imperative. I have passed the Probability and Financial Mathematics sections of the SOA exams, but the content of the undergraduate courses I took was not adequate to gain the knowledge needed to pass the further exams. And the subjects which I learned are too academic and lacked application; as such, I would like to continue my graduate studies. Since the best actuarial programs are found at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I have decided to apply to your Master's program in Actuarial Science.
I earned my Bachelor's degree in Financial Engineering and Actuarial Mathematics at Soochow University. The courses I took included those meeting the SOA's Validation by Educational Experience (VEE) requirements. As such, I have a sound foundation for continuing to graduate studies. When I was a freshman in college, my professors were strict with us in basic subjects, such as calculus and linear algebra. They not only taught us to prove the theories but also helped us to understand the meanings behind the theorems. On top of that, they trained us to be careful mathematicians. Under the careful guidance of the teacher, I developed the ability to learn on my own as well as solid skills, which help me to get a good grade in difficult subjects, like insurance mathematics, financial mathematics...etc. It also enabled us to handle the complex problems/concepts without the teacher's help and benefits us to prepare for the subsequent SOA exams in the future. Regarding programming skills, I have learned C+ + on Computer Programming utilized for simulating random sampling and coding formulas. Furthermore, on Financial Software Application, we analyzed and sketched it to study the meanings behind the data by using Visual Basic and R language. During the middle of my college life, I did get my foot in the door of the SOA exams. However, I encountered great difficulty at first, and thought I could not become an actuary when I faced a bottleneck in the exam of financial mathematics(FM). But with the encouragement of professors, who assured me that most people have trouble with this unfamiliar area of study; the most important thing is to forge ahead and not give up. The word inspired me to try again, from that moment, I reviewed the unfamiliar part of this subject and studied hard on Study Manual by myself in my spare time. Finally, I passed the exam. And then I had realized that not only learning but facing of troubles, I should never give up and this spirit is required to become an Actuary.
As for projects I have worked on, in my Seminar on Actuarial Mathematics of Life Contingencies class, my class was divided into groups and simulated the insurance system. First, we designed an insurance project and decided an annual interest rate, age, gender. Second, we had to enter actuarial formulas into Excel spreadsheets, such as the formulas for continuous whole life, term life insurance, and other types of insurance. Finally, we calculated the present value of the premiums, reserves, and payment based on a fixed indemnity amount, term length and Taiwan's 2013 mortality table for males and females. While the project may seem fairly straightforward, it was practical and made me understand the process of the insurance system. Moreover, working on this also helped me foster my leadership, organization skills, and team coordination and interpersonal communication.
Regarding work experience, I served as a teaching assistant, applying the knowledge I learned in University, calculus and linear algebra, to teach the freshman. During this teaching period, I familiarized with the application of fundamental subject in the advanced courses by studying the theory and textbook repeatedly. I believed if I explained reason and purpose of why the theorem was invented, it will enhance the student's motivation to learn. Meanwhile, I also gave lives examples to students, which showed how the formulas and theories can be applied in their lives and how these theories can be used in advanced courses. As same as the concepts which professors gave me, never cram up the formula and multi-dimensional thinking. For example, I encouraged the student to find various solution methods by using different viewpoints and extended the questions to compare the different situations instead of using standard answers. In addition, by facing a hundred students while teaching, I have broken through expression obstacles which are common problems for Asian teenagers. I have excellent presentation skills and can brave express when having opinions.
Before entering the master program, I intend to pass the MLC and MFE of SOA; meanwhile, I will keep enhancing my English ability. So I may fully thrive in an all-English environment. During my graduate studies, I will apply myself to learning the knowledge of local insurance industry. I hope I can conduct research with top professors in Actuarial field and broaden the horizon and comment skills of the insurance industry. And then I expect to complete the SOA exams within few years. If there are internship opportunities, I will do my best to earn it in order to experience work in an international setting and learn the local operating models, habits, and attitudes involved. After that, I plan to secure work with a Taiwanese insurance company, contributing my academic knowledge to improve the incomplete parts of Long-term care Insurance. In the long term, I will continue striving toward the goal of becoming a fully-fledged FSA.
I sincerely hope that you will grant me the opportunity to become part of your student body. I am confident that I have the ability to succeed with you and in my future career, and that I will make you proud to count me as an alumnus.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Robin, you have too much going on in your first paragraph. There is so much information piled into that single presentation that these all come across as disconnected. There is no real progression involved in the presentation, which was supposed to show the purpose behind your desire to study Actuarial Science in the USA. There is a sudden jump from your presentation about the lack of long term care in your country to the insurance shortcomings. It would be best if you revised that opening statement to focus on the problems of long term care in relation to insurance coverage. That will make it easier for you to slowly introduce the purpose of your desire to study abroad.
You can shorten that paragraph by actually refocusing the statement and offering only a clear explanation as to the problems your current industry faces in term of long term healthcare for the elderly. As for your work experience, it would be best if you can offer an insight into your background in the insurance industry. You seem to not have a related work experience for that. If you are practicing a different occupation, you must explain why that is so and how you plan to relate your current work experience with your desire to become an actuarial scientist. Otherwise, your work experience is not relevant to the statement of purpose and cannot support your application.
It is not just enough to have work experience. It has to be related work experience. Are you applying through a university track? If so, it is important that you actually mention the university you wish to attend and explain how your interests relate to the university offerings and programs in Actuarial Science.
Based upon the suggested revisions, I believe you have your work cut out for you. Not to worry though. Once you get started on the changes, you will discover how easy it is to revise because you have the supporting information to do so.
