Below is my draft personal statement. I look forward to receiving the revision from all friend. Thank you in advance.
Personal Statement
Empowering poor people
I was born and raised in Cambodia which is a country affected by three decades of civil war. Nowadays, poverty remains a major issue. I have seen countless people facing a number of challenges including poor infrastructure, poor education system, corruption issues, lack of water and sanitation, food insecurity, unemployment and limited land security.
My biggest motivation is to eradicate poverty through empowering poor people to become self-sufficient and lobbying governments to end poverty, create positive change and promote social justice for all. This is a specific reason why I have a strong passion to study Master of Science-Sustainable Development at the University of Exeter. Through searching the program course on the university's website, I think this course's program is firmly matched to my career background. I am expected that my knowledge in global public health and development, participatory approaches to development, theories and practice of development, climate change, environmental and governing sustainability, project planning, research design and methods will be broadened.
With over 15 years of experience in development sector, I have been involved in poverty alleviation through implementing with a number of development aid projects such as food security and livelihood, health, water sanitation and hygiene, nutrition, education, child protection, disaster and climate change, these experiences helped me better understand the multidisciplinary approach to achieve sustainable development goals. Additionally, through working as a Development Practitioner with various non-profit organizations such as Concern Worldwide, CARE International, World Vision and Caritas Cambodia, I have further developed a wide range of practical skills such project management, fundraising, qualitative and quantitative research which will be added value to my graduate studies.
At present, I am working as a Monitoring, Evaluation and Gender Inclusion Manager at International Development Enterprises (iDE) where I am responsible for overseeing the project monitoring and evaluation system and measuring the overall impact results of the Cambodia Agribusiness Development Facility project, as well as ensuring gender inclusiveness is included in the project. This role has therefore given me profound insights for integrating sustainability into social aspects of development. Moreover, I have also learnt the importance of gender in agriculture and determine appropriate strategies and approaches to engaging women in horticulture value development.
To me, being accepted into the Master of Science-Sustainable Development at the University of Exeter will provide me with more practical skills and a wide range of theoretical tools and practical approach I need to help promote a sustainable development structure in Cambodia. Furthermore, this master program will significantly enhance my capacity to evaluate the technical, social, economic and organizational elements of environmental problems. Most importantly, the combination of my experiences in the development field, plus the acquired knowledge and skills from the program course will pave my way to become a leader in the public, private and non-profit sectors.
Upon the completion of my master studies, I will work as a Development Specialist in the wider development sector, advising development partners in Cambodia on optimal approaches toward realizing development goal. In this capacity, I also intent to establish the Cambodia Development Professional network, a research "think tank" whose role will be promoting sustainable development approaches in Cambodia's development agenda. Other roles of the network will be enhancing continued learning from various players in the development field. The skills acquired from The University of Exeter will be of great assistance in this big vision I have for the people of Cambodia.
I strongly believe studying at the University of Exeter will be a great experience as I am highly committed to making this study abroad program a part of my lifelong learning process and will give me more drive to make a difference.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Men, this is a pretty good draft. It just needs to be adjusted to be better suited for a personal statement. I need you to focus more on how you developed an interest in sustainable development through your personal and professional experience. This essay does not need to be more than 5 paragraphs as it only has to provide an overview of the full length discussions that are to come in the statement of purpose.
Your opening statement is on the right track. It discusses the exposure to the problems of the environment that you have had since childhood. This shows that you have a direct insight into the problem of sustainable development. However, your exposure to sustainable development programs on the civic side is not very evident in the essay. Prior to your work experience, did you really have any interest in Sustainable Development? Or is this just something that you chose because it sounds like something related to your previous academic training? The two actually need to go hand in hand in a personal statement because of the "personal" basis of the information required.
Revise the essay to explain why studying at Exeter will allow you to become a better professional in this field. Don't just say that you based your desire to enroll at the university on the website information. Try to go beyond that. What other reasons do you have? Show an insight into the university offerings and make sure that it shows how you chose this university in particular based upon your professional needs and interests. Make it more evident in the essay.
Lessen your job descriptions that are not related to Sustainable Development. Summarize that discussion because that will be introduced at a greater length in the statement of purpose. In this instance, only an introduction is required and will be sufficient to inform the reviewer about your professional background.
Following these instructions should help you to create a better discussed and presented personal statement. You have a good essay. You just need to make sure that the content becomes more relevant to the needs and expectations of the reviewer.
