HI I WANTED TO SEE IF SOMEONE CAN PLEASE CHECK OUT MY GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND GIVE UR THOUGHTS ON MY PERSONAL STATEMENT I AM TRYING TO TRANSFER TO SAN DIEGO STATE
HERE IS THE PROMPT:
A two - three page letter containing information
on your career goals, area of concentration (Mental Health, Health and Aging; Children, Youth and Families; or Administrative/Clinical), RED ID number (given when you apply to CSU mentor), mailing address, how many semester of internship you have completed and describe the reasons that you are transferring. If you took leave of absence from your major, describe why you needed to take a leave of absence and why you are now ready to resume your social work education. Any problems at your previous school or intern- ship should be explained.
Endeavoring to Make a Change
I aspire to be a wonderful licensed clinical social worker; something I know will be possible if granted admission into the Masters Program of Social Work at San Diego State University. When looking for a school to transfer to, I wanted a program that shared my vision career wise, academically, and was also making a change in the world. I knew I needed a school that had staff and students who had the same passion for social change as I do; which I believe your institution has. One great example that stood out to me was your schools past Black Social Work Caucus, which discussed the use of the "nword". I believe this was ground breaking for so many African Americans and minorities in the mere fact that this word is so taboo, but also immensely used as an everyday name to address people positively or negatively. I desire to pave the way with fellow students addressing sensitive topics, and bringing light to them at San Diego State as well. I also hope to do it on into my future career. My career goal is to become a social worker conducting one-on-one therapy with individuals. The potential clients I envision myself working with would be those who suffer from depression, grief, low self-esteem, and many other emotional burdens. As I become well versed in my field, I envision myself expanding my craft to a wider audience from one-on-one therapy someday. One-on-one therapy interests me because it involves me working with people on a personal level and getting to the root of the unique problems they encounter.
Additionally, I hope to travel to different cities and possibly third-world countries presenting seminars to empower people. I would like to conduct seminars based on encouraging men and women to live out their best lives. With the possible support and coaching from mentors like, Dr. David Engstrom, who has immense amount of knowledge on human trafficking, torture, and refugee policy. I feel confident that this goal can be achieved. These seminars engineered by myself in collaboration with my advisors will be a resource that can assist individuals on a case-by-case basis. Another focus of the seminars would be guiding clients through any economic, political, and everyday life problems that they are facing at the current time.
As we know life gives us many everyday problems, and it is how we face them at the current time that matters, which brings up my reason for wanting to transfer to your prestigious school. My mother has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I love my mother dearly and would do anything for her, especially in this time when she needs me the most. At this time I live in Modesto and my mother in San Diego, CA. Hearing this news all I could think was what am I going to do should I drop out of school, and move close to my mother and sister to help take care of her? However, its always been my mothers wish for her only son to finish school, and pave the way for the rest of my family as the first one to receive a college degree. My sister at this time is taking care of my mom, and I want to be there as well for both of them. I know how difficult a graduate program can be, but listening to my mentor who shared with me how her father had cancer during her first year of graduate school as well. I believe that without a doubt that I can succeed and accomplish my degree with pride.
With it only being my first year I have not been interning for very long, but I have interned before as undergraduate student at Barton Hill Elementary School. I gained a strong perspective in working with people from diverse backgrounds at Barton Hill Elementary School. I learned how surroundings could affect an individual negatively through interacting with students and direct supervision by a social worker (MSW). The behaviors of the students could possibly be linked to family events that occurred at some point in their lives. I observed the student's awful ways of interacting with others, how they would transfer hurt to another or cause internal abuse to themselves. I also learned how they also coped with emotions that were too overwhelming for them to handle. These students would have greatly benefited from an intervention with their parents and their social worker to get to the source of the pain, which caused them to act out in such unhealthy ways. I noticed that a student that was given the opposite of love would take on his or her pain externally. Many of the students come from low-income households and, unfortunately, do not receive the proper care from their families. Working along side my supervisor, I guided group sessions for clients who needed assistance expressing their feelings as well as one-on-one sessions for students who had suicidal thoughts. I also conducted presentations on bullying. Being an intern gave me direction on how to meet each client's individual needs through a different approach.
I feel that I will be a great asset to your school because I have so much to offer as student and aspiring social worker. I have worked, interned, and have been a full time student all at once. I know firsthand that being a well-rounded student has prepared me for the full commitment of graduate school. My experiences have shaped me into who I am today: a determined individual who is capable of meeting the challenges of graduate school. As a student who is striving to make a positive impact as a MSW, I am optimistic about potentially becoming a student in this program; which gives students in-depth social work implements, as well as the opportunity to grow tremendously into effective social workers. I aspire to be a social worker that gives nothing less than the best service to clients, which is why I want to be a student at San Diego State University.
I can help you some of your essay.
1st paragraph- In the first sentence, delete the semicolon and "
something ". I think it would be better to form two sentences.
Ex: I know it will be possible if I am granted admission..." Delete
career wise . Change this sentence: "Also, I needed a school with staff and students who share the same passion I have for social change."
You could state: "An example that interested me... "This is just an example to help you avoid stating stood out. The correct way to avoid using this term in your essay is to state: "n-word". Delete
in the mere fact that . "This word is taboo, but immensely used as an..." The next sentence, make two corrections: "...pave the way for fellow students to address sensitive topics and shed light on these topics..." Delete as well . The next sentence:I also hope to do it on into continue this in my future career.
The next sentence you begin discussing your career goals. Begin your second paragraph with this sentence. Excellent work with this paragraph!
I would like to give you some more suggestions for your paper.
3rd paragraph: You could begin your sentence with a transition word, "Although life gives us many problems, it is how we face them that matters." Combine two sentences: "My reason for wanting to transfer to your prestigious school is because my mother has been ..." (I think your errors exist because you try to give the reader too much information in one sentence). The third sentence, delete:
in this time . The next sentence you need a comma: "At this time,..."
The sentence order needs to be changed in this paragraph: After you discuss your mother's diagnoses, you should use the sentence that tells about how you felt after hearing the news. (Correction for this sentence: When I heard this news, I worried about quitting school and moving close..." You can change it to a question a statement since these were your worries.)
Then discuss how you love your mother dearly (Correction for this sentence:
delete in this time .)
Next, discuss how it's always been your mother's wish to finish school (Correction for this sentence: it's and add a comma after family).
Form a new paragraph. Add a comma: At this time, I live... The next sentence change it to: My sister is taking care of my mom, and I want to be there for them. It seems as if your mentor inspired you. You could delete
as well and change it to "inspires me". The next sentence, delete without a doubt that .
4th paragraph: I can help you explain this "Currently I am interning, but I have interned before as an undergraduate..." (This helps reduce words in your essays). Since you named the school in the last sentence, the sentence can be understood without naming the school again. When you describe how students coped, delete "also" before coped. (Your explanations are good in this paragraph!)
Last paragraph: The first sentence add "a" before student. Nice Paragraph!
@lcturn87 thank you so much for going above and beyond in helping me it means so much BELOW IS MY PAPER WITH THE CORRECTIONS I MADE
Endeavoring to Make a Change
I aspire to be a licensed clinical social worker. I know will be possible if granted admission into the Masters Program of Social Work at San Diego State University. When looking for a school to transfer to, I wanted a program that shared my vision academically, and was making a change in the world. Also, I knew I needed a school that had staff and students who had the same passion for social change as I do; which I believe your institution has. One great example that interested me was your schools past Black Social Work Caucus, which discussed the use of the "n-word". I believe this was ground breaking for so many African Americans and minorities. This word is so taboo, but also immensely used as an everyday name to address people positively or negatively. I desire to pave the way with fellow students addressing sensitive topics, and bringing light to them at San Diego State. I also hope to continue this into my future career.
I can help you with some changes.
There were some missing words in the first paragraph:" I know this will be possible if I am granted..." In the last post, it seemed better separating a sentence in the paragraph. However, I think it is better to revise the sentence: "I believe this was so ground breaking for so many African Americans and minorities, because this word is so taboo and immensely used as an everyday name to address people positively or negatively."
2nd paragraph: You could use a hyphen when you use "well-versed".
3rd paragraph: When you mention the name of a doctor, you should describe him as having "an immense amount of knowledge ". The next sentence, place a comma after seminar and advisors.
4th paragraph: Delete the comma after "Although". In the first sentence, delete the words:
at the current time . After you explain you mother's diagnoses, the next sentence should read: "When I heard this news, I worried about quitting school and moving closer to my mother because I love her dearly and would do anything for her. (I suggested joining these sentences because it is easier to revise and the reason for your choices is clear. You really love your mother!)
5th paragraph: In the first sentence, place a comma after time and add "I have family who reside in..."
6th paragraph: In the first sentence, add "an" before undergraduate.
I hope this helps!
@jem, first of all, I seek to improve the title of your essay.
EndeavoringMy endeavor to Make a Change
- I know it will be possible...
wasis making a change in the world.
- One great example that sparked this interest
interested me was your...
envisionsee ( you have used the word "envision" in the other sentence) myself...
- ...seminars based on
encouragingempowering men and women...
The remarks above are very minor, I hope you follow thru.
Overall, your essay is good and I wish you the best of luck with your application.
@lcturn87 thank you once again for all your help... what you do for us students is amazing... thank you are very much appreciated