would any kind soul be good enough to check my poor essay? i will really appreciate that.
Personal Statement
I have been working in AA company as a senior software engineer for about three years, and before that I had worked in a cell phone company for another three years. So I have about six years' experience about software engineering and development. I found I really enjoyed how an intractable and complex problem is located and is finally addressed.
However, the world is changeable and fast-paced and sometimes we are likely to be out of date because of millions of new and exotic ideas generated every day. Future has become unpredictable. At this time, data science, as a new field and full of numerous potential commercial chances, has become a promising choice. It has fabulous application prospects such as machine learning and automation and I can definitely benefit from it. So I spend a lot of my spare time in learning the basic knowledge of data mining. I learnt almost all classification algorithms such as logistic regression and decision tree. Coincidentally, my project manager had a chat with me where I expressed my decision and intention of switching to a new subject to him. He was so nice that I was put into AA team after that. The activities of attending several sessions about data mining and my involvement in some data mining projects invigorated me to achieve a new career in this brandy new field.
Another reason that drive me into this field is that this subject is also an exciting and interesting field to me. There are some engineering knowledge that I can leverage from my previous working experience and I am also good at math during my tertiary school. So I am sure I can be competent for such a new challenge. By applying data science, I will be able to extend my career path to a brand new level, as well as to achieve self-satisfaction and self-accomplishment.
I have chosen ANU for several reasons. Firstly, it is located in Canberra. The environment of ANU campus is good enough in comparison with some famous tourist resorts. The water would be sparking and rapping gracefully, and I can also imagine the rolling hills within the walking distance. The students there can be benefit from picturesque campus, thereby easily focus on studying. Secondly, with the rapid growth in economics of the world, a people person is increasingly needed. While I was staying in the United States for a several weeks' business trip last year, I was deeply impressed by the people who is easily to express their ideas. So studying aboard can provide me an opportunity to be exposed to many students with different cultural background, which will definitely boost my ability of being a cultivate person. Thirdly, I have known from your home websites and many other online resources that ANU is a prestigious school which is strong at engineering. This will be the right place where I can sharpen my brain as well as my skill.
In a nutshell, I am an experienced software engineer and I have already experienced many hard but interesting projects before, and I will be glad to challenge myself to be adapted to an advanced analyst in the next few years.
Your personal statement lacks focus, a clear topic statement, and a logical development of your interest in the masters degree that you are pursuing. I assume that this is only a draft and you are more than open to revising the whole paper if necessary? I strongly advice that you do so because you really need to work on creating a more cohesive personal statement.
As far as personal statements go, you have to first, focus on the development of your interest in the subject. So, you have to present the way your interest in the subject evolved from your current profession, which led you to realize that you have more questions about the subject that need answers in order for you to perform your tasks even better than you already are. Don't mistake this for a statement of purpose because it is not. It is just an essay about the foundation of your interests.
Now, when you mention your reason for wishing to enroll overseas, there really isn't a need for you to mention that you went to the US previously as that does not relate to the reasons why you chose this university in particular. Remember, it is not about the location, but about the academic thrust of the university. It is the opportunity to study at the university that you should use as the platform for the reason you wish to study overseas. That said, your "In a nutshell" statement is totally out of place in the end. It is too short and doesn't really help to end the essay on a personal and positive note. Removing it and just ending it with the previous paragraph seems to work best at this point.
Hi there,
let me try to comment on your personal statement. You have too many ideas for conveying, you should make it narrow, more specific. Perhaps this tips will useful for you, while you can apply this method for writing based upon the experience.
Use method : STAR, your story should include, Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience), Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.), and Result (what happen when you did your action). This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively
i hope it will helps :)
hello vangiespen,
I really appreciate your feedback. This is my first version and I have no idea how can I make it better before I receive your comments. What do you think my second version?
A new adventure
The world is changeable and fast-paced and sometimes we are likely to be out of date because of millions of new and exotic ideas generated every day. Future has become unpredictable. At this time...
Your first paragraph is too long. You should not be discussing two different, yet connected topics within a single paragraph because it confuses the reviewer and does not allow him a complete chance to process the information you have presented. You need to separate the topics and break them down into 2 independent and complete paragraphs instead. You could end the first paragraph at:
As an experienced software engineer, I was mainly responsible for database development, so I have access to a number of big data related projects
Then start your new paragraph with:
Hadoop has become one of the most famous original concept of big data...
That way you allow the reader a moment to pause and analyze the first set of information you presented before going on to analyzing the next set of data in your essay.
The reviewer may have a problem with the reasons why you chose to enroll in their university due to the first few reasons you presented. Are you taking a vacation and going to a resort destination in Canberra? Or are you applying to get into a masters degree course at the university? You should not be describing your interest int he university in terms of a tourist spot. You are not there to get a tan and swim in the ocean. You are there to study and your academic reason for opting for ANU should reflect that. Revise the part that describes the reasons why you chose the university. Don't make yourself sound like you are just out to have fun. Keep the serious academic tone throughout. This is a masters degree application, not a common app college essay.
Hello vangiespen,
Thank you so much for your time. I have rewritten the reason. Could you please have a look at it?
A new adventure
The world is changeable and fast-paced and sometimes we are likely to be out of date because of millions of new and exotic ideas generated every day. Future has become unpredictable.
...
After we get into some grammar revision, this essay should be good to go. That is unless you have a word count to accommodate? Let me know. Here are the revisions:
... changeable constantly changing ,and fast-paced and...
... exotic ideas ARE generated ...
... The F future...
Quick question, What is Hadoop? How does it relate to your previous statement? You need to create a transition sentence to prepare the reader for the change in subject in the next paragraph. I got a bit lost as to where you suddenly headed back there. The transition sentences are really important in those types of situations. If you can explain the concept of Hadoop and its importance to your future studies, I can probably help you shorten that paragraph. It is running a bit long and the information needs to be shortened. Keep the ball rolling. Don't slow down.
ANU owns employs numerous...
...of distinguished...
growth in OF economics...
...me WITH an opportunity...
... cultural backgroundS...
... a cultivateD person...
Referring TO my...
Despite BECAUSE OF this...
...the most of the...
Let's work on these changes first and then prepare the essay for finalization and submission ok? :-)
constantly changing
hello vangiespen,
I don't have a recommendatory word count. Actually ANU didn't ask me to submit a PS. I decided to do it as my personal decision because I think I can differentiate myself with additional information.
Hadoop is an open source project that is able to process a large amount of data. It is designed to scale up from single servers to thousands of machines, each offering local computation and storage.
See the Hadoop homepage: hadoop.apache.org/
Spark is also an open source cluster computer environment, just like Hadoop and it can be more adapted to data mining. This is because spark has enabled memory distribution data set.
This essay is ready to use should the opportunity to use it at ANU arise. I caution you against submitting a personal statement with your application if the university does not require it. The reviewers do not really pay much attention to additional essays that an applicant submits if they are not requesting for it. They have to analyze more than enough essays that they require from a large number of students per day so if there is additional documentation submitted which is they are not asking for, it will go unread and unnoticed. However, if there is an option for you to submit an optional essay with your other documents and statements, then go ahead and submit this. I am sure it will help your application once they read it.
While I do not want to say that your efforts at trying to differentiate yourself will be wasted since the reviewer will most likely not read this in the event of its submission, I think that you can use this at other universities you are applying to if ever. Remember, the only way to make sure that they will pay attention to the method by which you differentiate yourself from other applicants, is by following their rules and submitting what they require in the most unique, interesting, and informative way that you know how. This essay sets out to accomplish what you want it to do. However, it would be in your best interest to hold off on submitting this to ANU until they actually ask for it.
Thanks a lot, vangiespen. You have really given me many valuable suggestions. I will take your advice. Thanks again for your kindness.
