Pleas help me review this Personal Statement......Thanks.
PERSONAL STATEMENT.
Everyone has a memorable day and such days have different meanings to the one who termed them memorable. Mine was on the 14th of February, 1999(the popular valentine day). It was the last day I saw my mother. I saw her as she was about going to the hospital in the morning as she was in labour and I went to my school hoping to be a big brother and see my latest sibling in the evening. However the story was different as I saw family friends and relatives crying and sympathizing with my father when I got home in the evening. As a 8yr old boy, I couldn't understand why it was so or maybe I was just in a denial phase of grief. More importantly, after her burial, I still couldn't understand why a pregnant woman about to give birth could just disappear for life like that. It was a scar I was going to live through forever.
This particular incidence endeared me to the choice of medicine later on in life as I grew up. I later got to know more when I entered medical school and also began to check my mother hospital cards at home and later discover somehow while interacting with my dad that she had antepartum haemorrhage from probably rhesus isomerization. I became satisfied but also became more motivated on prevention of such mortality that surely has a sure management. Having studied in a semi urban area in my country, Nigeria and also did my housemanship in an extension of my teaching hospital at a town nearby, I got exposed to diverse patients and also medical and surgical presentations and I came to conclusion that that a lot of people has so little a knowledge of disease preventions nor do they understood early presentations to health facility around. Thus, the tip of the iceberg that do present do so at the terminal stage and as such little can be done to save their lives.
It is heart-breaking to see ailments like malaria fever, dehydration from diarrhoea, chest infections among others which can be easily prevented or even managed easily led to several mortalities or serious complications from traditional interventions. While interacting with some of the patients, I realised most are affected not just because of financial implication of visiting an health facility, but also majorly because of lack of right information and even till now, most still don't visit hospitals.
I intend studying Public health to understand to understand and build upon my knowledge on health promotion and disease preventions so as to effect these at the local level. I also intend understanding policies influencing health of an area as I see myself becoming a catalyst in policies formulation and implementation even to the remotest area. In the next three weeks, I will be going to a remote area in my country as an health worker volunteer to attend to people in that community having heard of grossly inadequate health workers in the area. I hope to influence my community both locally and internationally in the nearest future concerning their health and I know this course provides a platform to achieving this feat as it exposes the epidemiology importance, social determinants as well as current global issues in public health.
I chose this university because of her antecedent achievements of producing sound graduates that are relevant and can independently and critically assess situations and logically provide solutions to any challenges that can arise. I also read about the student reviews on your website about the weather and I am sure I have a made a very wise decision in joining a prestigious university.
Thank you.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Sunkanmi, did the university that you are applying to provide you with a prompt for your personal statement? If they did not, then you still have a chance to correct the content of your essay. This essay just doesn't fall within the expected requirements of a masters degree personal statement. It sounds more like you drafted this for a college application instead. Therefore, you need to work on creating a more relevant personal statement for your application.
For starters, the focus of the essay should consider writing a shorter, more informative and relevant essay. A reviewer will normally offer 5 minutes to reading your essay before he decides it has taken too long to get to the point then sets it aside for future reading. Try to keep this essay short because this is a statement for graduate school. So the information you indicate should represent more of your college academics and professional experience. Even though your mother was the reason that you started your medical career, from what I have read, there are other, non-related reasons that you have opted to pursue Public Health. Suppress the urge to concentrate on the discussion of your mother's death. If you must, mention it towards the end of your essay. Don't place it at the beginning. That is the act of a college applicant, not a masters degree student.
Keep the focus on you as a person. The clue as to what to write is in the name of the essay itself. A personal essay. So talk more about yourself and how you developed this interest. Right now, your essay is a cross between a statement and a research paper. don't lose focus of the keyword. Just so you can redirect the essay content.
Also, show the reviewer that you know about the program you are getting into. Show a sense of familiarity with the expectations of the course and explain how your personality will thrive in this environment. What interested you in their school? Is there a professor you wish to study with or something? You must find a way to indicate that everything in your life led to this very moment. Make your vision for your career clear.
dear friend,
You wrote: ... why a pregnant woman about to give birth could ...
Did you mean ''woman about giving''?
You wrote: ... people has so little a knowledge of disease preventions ...
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply ''knowledge about "
You wrote: ... implication of visiting an health facility...
Use 'a' instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
You wrote: ...Public health to understand to understand and build upon ...
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only ''to understand''
