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In the field of computer science, your school is always among the best in the nation

allen2567 1 / 1  
Oct 5, 2013   #1
Ultimately, I hope to contribute what I have learned from the graduate school to my future career and bring the results to the industry. The United States has a leading position in the computer science industry throughout the world, the most dominant and influential scholars and enterprises are in America. So it is absolutely the right place if I want to do something in this area. Although I am full of passion, I am not equipped with enough advanced knowledge and skills. So my decision to pursue graduate study in one of the greatest universities in the United States is necessary. As such, your school is my idea choice; I believe that being a part of the graduate program at your institution will be of utmost benefit to me. The outstanding faculty and the professional skill sets you provide will help me to achieve my goal.

Involving myself in learning and other activities not only improved my leadership and abilities of cooperation and communication, but also equipped me with skills to think in a more creative way. The graduation project which our team started in junior year won us the 2nd place in the department's graduation project competition. I enjoyed working with others, I would always love to share my opinions and discuss with my teammates to find the right way to improve our project. As a result, we successfully created a motion sensing game with Kinect which is the first attempt in our department. I put my passions in some extracurricular activities as well. As the deputy director of sports in the department's student association, I needed to help to organize the 2011 CS Cup for Universities in Southern Taiwan which is the most important sports cup for our department. My job was to visit one store after another to find sponsors and look after venues where are big enough to accommodate all players and audience. After all these endeavors, we did host a great sports cup. I also joined the Chun-Huei Club which would organize camps for teenagers annually. Through lots of meetings and discussions, we came up with many games which are both entertaining and educational. We got a lot from the process and had a great time with the kids. With all these experiences and skills I had acquired, I believe I am ready for a higher level education in your school.

In the field of computer science, your school is always among the best in the nation. With the long school history, you have accumulated a good tradition and excellent reputation, not to mention those talented teachers and students around the world who were attracted to your school. Therefore, your school is my first choice. I am pretty sure that I can acquire both theoretical and practical knowledge from your professional faculty and ample resources.

In my college life, I had a few part-time jobs since my sophomore year which took me much time from working on my school works. Although I did not have very good grades in academic performance, I gained a lot from these working experiences. I met many new friends and learned some different ideas and ways to solve problems through working with them. My working experiences turned me into a more mature and independent man and helped to develop my personnel relationship. Despite the fact that I am not a student with excellent grades, my other characteristics and experiences would be my advantages and make me stand out.

Am I ready to start a life as a graduate student at Stony Brook University? Certainly! This is the first step to pursue my dream. Upon completion of my graduate degree, I will start my career in the US, in a position related to what I am good with. Frankly speaking, I believe the American Dream; everything is possible in this country. I believe if I study hard and work hard, I can achieve success and make a big fortune. I will stick to my goal until the day I achieve it, and I know your school will help me to complete my dream.

admission2012 - / 481 90  
Oct 9, 2013   #2

A few major issues in this essay. First it just sounds as though you want to be in the United States of America. Most admissions officers will look down on an application that seems more about entry into the country rather than studying at the school. Focus the essay more about whyyyyyy you want to study at SB. What specific examples have made it your top choice...example...developing the bar code scanner there. Your second major flaw is stating that you did not have good grades. Your statement of purpose needs to ONLY present you in the strongest light. You should NEVER state anything negative about yourself in a statement of purpose. If your grades were really bad and need to be explained, do so in a separate or additional essay. -Admissions Advice Online

Hope this helps.
OP allen2567 1 / 1  
Oct 10, 2013   #3
Thanks! that helps a lot!

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