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M.Fin - graduate admission; important result


zmj7706 3 / 9  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
Please help me check the grammar and provide any suggestions you come up with. Thanks in advance.

Please describe a time when you worked effectively with people to accomplish an important result. (300 words or fewer, limited to one page)

During my internship at Unclaimed Property Division of NC Department of State Treasurer, I assisted my boss to pack and order tangible properties for appraisal. This work included finding property information papers, numbering bags with property IDs, inserting information pages into corresponding bags, transferring tangible properties from safe keeping boxes to bags, and organizing the bags with tangible properties in order.

My supervisor used to work by himself in the past. He told me the steps that he usually took. After I understand all processes needed, I came up a new way to do the work. My supervisor noticed that my speed was faster than his and thus allowed me to continue with my method. He also asked me to "assign" him what he could do to help me further improve efficiency. Because the work had several steps and some steps could be done simultaneously, we divided those steps into two parts to do it together. Under our corporation, we shorten the period of the work to three days from over one week.
Mauru23 3 / 16  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
Sorry if I've gone a bit overboard on the suggestions/changes.

During my internship at the Unclaimed Property Division of NC Department of State Treasurer, I assisted my boss in packing and ordering tangible properties for appraisal. This work included finding property information papers, numbering bags with property IDs, inserting information pages into corresponding bags, transferring tangible properties from safe keeping boxes to bags, and organizing the bags with tangible properties in order. (you use the phrase "tangible properties" too much. Unless they're really called that, change it up because it sounds too repetitive)

After I understood all processes needed, I came up with a new way to do the work. My supervisor noticed that my speed was faster than his and thus he allowed me to continue with my method.

[A bit repetitive on the word "steps"] Under our corporation, we shortened the period of the work from one week to only three days .

I think you answered the prompt perfectly.
OP zmj7706 3 / 9  
Dec 30, 2011   #3
Thank you so much for your help. You gave great suggestions. Thanks again!


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