I'm writing a personal statement to get into the Finance program at Royal Melbourne Institute. Can you proofread this for me and see if it needs any work?
I want to pursue studying in Finance in Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology, Melbourne as I have some background from a Finance class in my undergraduate program and together with some Finance classes from Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology in Bangkok is a background. Though I majored in Engineering Management, I have lately found that it doesn't interest me as much as finance.
Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology, Melbourne, is a renowned an academy that has graduated many famous Thai people, in so many fields, which are developing the country to success. With a very good education background from here, I believe that I would join those people with the intention to progress my country.
I have grown up with a background in financing. My parents are both in this field. I have looked at my parents manage financing in the family, helping relatives and friends and how they both succeed in developing, making their working units grow with this field. After my high school, I wanted to take something different as Engineering Management; however, I also took Finance so I could take continual study in Finance in a graduate school.
The reason I love to pursue my education in this field is because it is of practical use when it comes to handling daily life both personal and work. I would be able to completely understand financing mechanism the basic of all organization, private or public sectors or government, profit or non-profit. I really intend to be part of developing my country in this field.
I want to pursue my study in your renowned school in Finance. I can adapt the best education you offer to develop Financing and Banking System in my country. I want to be able to work for the Thai Provincial Electricity Authority which is government and business organization. It's has been one of the oldest secured organizations that is famous for its strategic management, especially in financing. I can manage the education I receive to analyze this organization financing, money status, solve any problems and develop this line of work and make it successful. I hope that one day, as a team manager, I would be one of the executives who, with his team, can make the organization the most secured and best of the country.
Thanks!
I want to pursue studying in Finance in Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology, Melbourne as I have some background from a Finance class in my undergraduate program and together with some Finance classes from Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology in Bangkok is a background. Though I majored in Engineering Management, I have lately found that it doesn't interest me as much as finance.
This seems super wordy. Secondly is the royal melbourne school where you are applying? Because you do not need to state that in your essay as they should know since you are applying there!
