Please kindly help me so that I can improve on my writing skills
serving the community in uganda
Being the last born and the first one to get a degree in the family, I realized I could only give back to the community directly through teaching and this necessitated me to pursue a bachelor's degree in science with education so that I can teach and also improve on the quality of education, good health and well-being. I have got the passion of helping others to have at least the basic education because after my High school I could not further with my education because of the financial challenges at home. To join my undergraduate degree, I was awarded a scholarship for the needy but bright students at Islamic University in Uganda which really helped me complete the course. This has kept me focused to get more knowledge so that I can contribute towards better quality education, good health and well-being and quality research through teaching and training the future great mathematicians and educationists in the world. Therefore, OFID scholarship will be an advantage for me pursue an MSc in Mathematics in Verona University in Italy that will provide me with a platform of not only sharing new found ideas with people around me but with people across the globe and also suitably strengthening my academic career to greatly contribute to the growth and development of my community through better quality education and good health.
This opportunity will also be backbone of developing more skills of leadership so that I can participate in making decisions towards the development of Uganda especially in the sector of Education and research because without doubts this scholarship will be will be the turning point of my academic career to pursue my Ph.D which will reinforce my ability to serve as a lecturer and probably a specialist (professor) in the field of Applied mathematics. However, this scholarship will also help me create a network of professionals from different backgrounds to keep in touch with during and after the course and career advancement prospect.
During the course I hope to develop a model for hepatitis B infection in young people below 45 years in Northern Uganda because Northern Uganda is the region in Uganda and Africa at large with the highest prevalence rate of Hepatitis B virus of over 10%. The study will focus on the model of Hepatitis B infection of the youths under 45 years in the Northern Uganda, transmission and disease dynamics as well as the optimal control of the Hepatitis B infection in Northern Uganda. This will be relevant to Ministry of Health in Uganda and to all local government councils in the Northern Uganda, ward and village health committees, to also non-governmental organizations and professional groups and institutions communities in their initiation and support in research activities relevant to the development of the health care services in Uganda. As a mathematician, I will serve at the local a lecturer so that I can train the young men and women integrate mathematics with research for a better health.
Kabenge, this essay is all over the place. I do not see how your being born last in the family directly relates to your wanting to be of service to your community. There is no relationship between your opening statement and the rest of that paragraph. Now, I can understand why you would want to help increase the educational attainment of the people in your country. I don't understand how you can help with the hepatitis epidemic because your discussion focus is on education, which is a far cry from the job of a medical professional who would be able to help arrest such an epidemic in your country. I believe that you are a bit confused with regards to what you really want to study and how you hope to accomplish it through the completion of a masters degree. Your paper lacks focus and commitment to one actual cause. That is why it is so vague in reference to all of the prompt requirements and relies heavily in your background presentation, which will not help your application at this point. Try to write a new essay that is more specific in terms of reference to the prompt discussion points. Make sure that you actually show a foundation, study plan, and goal application in your country upon your graduation. Without that, the essay is worthless to your application.