Hello,
I had earlier posted a different version that talks a lot about my backstory. I had a different edit which actually begins with my inspiration and going on to my expreience. I would very much appreciate if someone could comment on whether this is more appropriate.
The brief states
The Coastal Science and Policy (CS&P) Master of Science Personal History Statement is limited to two pages and should summarize your academic and non-academic experience as it pertains to sustainability science and policy. Indicate how this background has inspired you to become a leader in coastal sustainability science and policy and prepared you to become that leader.
The CS&P Master of Science Program is interested in a diverse and inclusive cohort. Discuss how your personal background informs your decision to pursue a graduate degree in coastal science and policy. Include any educational, familial, cultural, economic, or social experiences, challenges, or opportunities relevant to how you might contribute to social or cultural diversity within a field of coastal science and policy; and/or how you might serve underrepresented segments of society with your degree.
Pursuing a Degree in Coastal Science & Policy
Ambitious, focused, disciplined & an indomitable spirit are words I would use to describe Kirti Soni. I got to know Kirti, a young 20-year-old spirited girl, who was working part-time making ethnic jewellery for my jewellery retail business, so she could fund her education. She comes from the back country of India, where enabling women to be independent is still unheard of, literary studies are far-fetched dreams and the future is limited within the four walls of their home, and then there are some unsung heroes like Kirti. Kirti is fighting adversity, and her determination to get a formal education, despite strong objections from family members and the society, it is not stopping her from finding ways and means to achieve her dreams. My inspiration for this applying from the program has come from the unlikeliest place, Kirti's indomitable spirit rubbed off on me and a disconcerting realisation began gnawing at me: while I was comfortable doing what I was, it wasn't enough. It wasn't what I really wanted to do.
I had established a start-up in retailing jewellery with a core vision to collaborate with NGOs that worked on empowering women to be financially independent and local artisans to source handmade jewellery from rural and tribal areas within India. I have always wanted to set up an organisation that contributed back to the society and make a difference, but the questioned arose, if I was passionate about jewellery and the fashion industry? The answer was glaringly obvious, the industry I was working in was conflicting with my aspirations. I was having a mini-existential crisis and I decided introspect till I found my true calling.
My interest in marine studies evoked when scuba diving moved on from being a hobby to a passion. What was supposed to end with an 'Advanced Open Water Diver' certificate from PADI ended with 'Master Scuba Diver' certification. With every dive, my learning curve increased, I went from being ignorant to inquisitive. I have become aware as an individual of the perceived threats that the coasts habitat and the oceans endure. Living in the coastal city of Mumbai and visiting islands around India and abroad I have seen a blatant lack of interest from stakeholders in protecting the oceans and endangered marine life on which their own livelihoods depend.
To gain a deeper understanding, I began visiting the fish markets and landing centres in Mumbai to see the catch the fishermen were bringing in. Interactions with the fishing community led me to grasp a basic logic - increased demand had led to overfishing along the shores of Mumbai, forcing both mechanised trawlers and smaller fishermen into deeper waters, leading to unsustainable fishing pressures and an enhanced threat to endangered marine fish and mammals which were getting caught as bycatch. Waste and sewage disposal in the Arabian Sea had also affected the quality of catch apart from degrading the shoreline around Mumbai, with the benthic fauna having been totally wiped out. As my knowledge increased, so did my desire to effect a positive change. I was gaining more awareness by reading articles, researching, doing courses online and offline, interacting with individuals from the marine community and so on, but it was a gut wrenching photograph I came across which was clicked by Brian J. Skerry of a thresher shark caught in a gill net, it was soul-stirring. I had no words to describe the emotions it evoked within and it was when I decided that it was time to gain some experience and take the deciding step to move towards achieving my goals.
I figured there were two ways to do this: gain field experience by working with conservation organisations and simultaneously increase my theoretical knowledge. In pursuit of these goals I scored a marine conservation volunteer program with ReefWatch Marine Conservation in the Andaman & Nicobar Islands for a month. I interacted with communities on the ground as the organisation engaged with local stakeholders to come up with a management plan to reduce their waste impact on the ocean. My experience in my month-long volunteer program with ReefWatch gave me first hand exposure to a participative community action as well as a glimpse of scientific research in coral restoration. While I was lacking, an intensive foundation knowledge of marine science due to my background of business and finance I was able to contribute extensively in areas of research & analysis for drawing strategies plans for effective fund-raising.
Seeking a wider experience, I joined the development team at Wildlife Trust of India, a leading pan-Indian conservation NGO. I was exposed to conservation projects covering several species and landscapes, whether working to increase the population of Gharials (Gavialis gangeticus) in Bihar, protecting Greater One-horned Rhinoceroses (Rhinoceros unicornis) in Assam, or campaigning for Whale Shark (Rhincondon typus) conservation in Kerala. Rubbing shoulders with leading conservationists and scientists I learned several valuable lessons and it was a meaningful experience, as I was able to charter my next course of action.
I realised there are no green prints that can be applied unchanged across geographies; to achieve long-term conservation success in a particular region, one must involve the local communities and stakeholders, understand their particular needs, and work simultaneously for their benefit and that of the affected species or habitat. Having experienced managing a start-up, negotiating with local communities and government organisations for establishing and setting up a production line and being comfortable with numbers and analysis, to follow my true-calling in the field of marine conservation, there are areas where I lack the knowledge required regarding policy interventions as well as economic analysis and a core foundation of the science behind it. I am extremely excited to gain knowledge from the program, thereby ensuring a well-researched recommendation of mitigation measures for policy changes with a sound understanding of science behind it.
Having spent a day with a whale shark research team on a boat in the Maldives, I realised while the work this organisation does, provides the basis for a strong framework, I realise that if the tourist resorts, governments and the fishing community do not all come together and develop an action plan to enforce the laws of the Marine Protected Areas (MPA) and the largest extant fish in the ocean - one which is a valuable economic resource to all stakeholders - it's all going to come crashing down. In a span of two hours we recorded over a hundred divers and snorkelers chasing after one or two sighted whale sharks, and 15 speedboats in the MPA where the limit is five per day. One of the whale sharks we sighted, named Koko by the team, had life-threatening injuries most probably caused by a propeller. "There comes a time when silence is betrayal", in the words of Martin Luther King Jr. I can't stay silent anymore.
Going back to my source of inspiration, there was sense of familiarity in Kirti's story and I reminisced back to the day when I was a 21-year-old. I come from a conservative Gujarati family from India, as soon as I completed my undergraduate studies at the age of 21, my parents wanted me to get married, with the support of a progressive grandmother & self-determination I convinced my parents to let me pursue a postgraduate degree. It's with the same conviction and belief Kirti has, the 21-year-old me had to be able to pursue a formal education, I want to apply for the Master of Science in Coastal Science and Policy. I want to steer my life to work within the realm of encouraging the local stakeholders to become guardians and effectively move to a sustainable livelihood leading to a direct impact on the coastal ecosystem. My 'Statement of Purpose' elucidates why I chose the Coastal Science and Policy (CS&P) program and why I believe it aligns with my own specific goals. For now, let me simply say that I believe your program will put me on the path to finding the contentedness of heart I seek.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 The same advice applies to this essay. Your backstory is not connected to the masters you wish to study, which makes the story you provided irrelevant to the last half of the essay. All information you provide must only relate to the masters degree you wish to study. The fact that you opened with a story about someone who isn't you is even more of a distraction that could make the reviewer decide not to proceed with reading your essay. You have too much unrelated backstory here. Now, if your family were in a water based business of sorts, then you could have this lengthy and boring backstory presentation. I used the term boring because your jewellery line does not relate to Coastal Science and therefore, will not be on interest to the reviewer. He will find it boring and irrelevant. He may decide you are applying for the wrong course right there and then and reject your application. If you do not make your connection within the first paragraph, your reviewer will not finish the application essay.
The idea behind this essay is to show a strong, deep, and motivational background for your desire to complete the MS studies. If you cannot include your family in the story, then do not include it. It deviates too much from the marine focus of your presentation, which is the most important part of the presentation. The first part, is totally superfluous to the specific requirements of this essay. Start from paragraph 3 onward. Those are the most relevant and applicable paragraphs in terms of prompt requirements.
Thank You Holt. I have made the changes as suggested please critique the essay.
When I am surrounded by the deep blue, there is a sense of belonging I cannot describe. My interest in marine studies evoked when scuba diving moved on from being a hobby to a passion. What was supposed to end with an 'Advanced Open Water Diver' certificate from PADI ended with 'Master Scuba Diver' certification. With every dive, my learning curve increased, I went from being ignorant to inquisitive. I have become aware as an individual of the perceived threats that the coastal habitat and the oceans endure. Living in the coastal city of Mumbai and visiting islands around India and abroad I have seen a blatant lack of interest from stakeholders in protecting the oceans and endangered marine life on which their own livelihoods depend.
To gain a deeper understanding, I began visiting the fish markets and landing centres in Mumbai to see the catch the fishermen were bringing in. Interactions with the fishing community led me to grasp a basic logic - increased demand had led to overfishing along the shores of Mumbai, forcing both mechanised trawlers and smaller fishermen into deeper waters, leading to unsustainable fishing pressures and an enhanced threat to endangered marine fish and marine mammals, which were getting caught as bycatch. Waste and sewage disposal in the Arabian Sea also affected the quality of catch apart from degrading the shoreline around Mumbai, with the benthic fauna having been totally wiped out.
As my knowledge increased, so did my desire ...
[...]
"There comes a time when silence is betrayal", in the words of Martin Luther King Jr. I can't stay silent anymore.
My experiences over the last two-odd years, of chasing a dream to work within the marine realm, have brought me to this pass. I know that working in the field of marine conservation will give me the satisfaction nothing else will. My 'Statement of Purpose' elucidates why I chose the Coastal Science and Policy (CS&P) Master of Science program and why I believe it aligns with my own specific goals. For now, let me simply say that I believe your program will put me on the path to finding the contentedness of heart I seek.
