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I WILL NOT FORGET THE ASTONISHMENT ON HIS FACE


nikhil333 4 / 6 1  
Sep 28, 2014   #1
I welcome ANY critique and changes that you believe should be made in order to improve my personal statement.

Explain why you have chosen to obtain a degree in engineering. Discuss any experience you may have had and/ or people you have known that influenced your decision. (150 - 250 words)

Fabricating a wing bay using wood, saw, fiberglass, resin, and machinery was intriguing. I was proudly holding my wing bay on the 7 train commuting home when an elderly man standing besides me noticed me admiring my composite wing bay, perplexed he asked me what it was. I will not forget the astonishment on his face when I gave him an elaborate answer. I was flattered to present my in depth knowledge on the wing and its airfoil shape. He did not believe that composites are structurally as strong as metal alloys.

I placed the wing bay beneath my feet and jumped on it, to exemplify its strength . He was surprised to find my wing bay intact. It was empowering to use my knowledge to create a product that will help solve problems, composite materials have improved aircraft fuel efficiency and performance due to their high strength to weight ratio. I knew then, engineering is what I wanted to do in the future and what I wanted to study. After spending about five years in a technical school, I have become a problem solver, I plan to use this skill to help me advance in my engineering studies.

As soon as I arrived home, I began researching engineering schools, that is when I discovered Grove School of Engineering. I witness every day how technology improves peoples' lives and I want to contribute to that. After plenty of research I decided I want to study computer science at Grove School Of Engineering because it will allow me to solve real world problems using technology and explore my interest in programing software.
sa1na 9 / 72 19  
Sep 28, 2014   #2
The essay starts perfect, with a story, memory, etc.
1. help solve problems, (such as) composite materials (that) have
2. I knew then, engineering is what I wanted to do in the future and what I wanted to study. - I knew then that the engineering was going to be what I wanted to do in the future and what I wanted to study

I believe you can end the essay more sensitively to affect the reader. The mood of the essay in the last paragraph changes so suddenly it slaps you in the face.


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