Hi guys I am applying fulbright scholarship for a master on energy storage. I was a chemical engineer students. Please correct my Personal Statement to improve my chance to win this scholarship, thank you
Personal Statement
When I was kid I asked my parents about how to make gasoline, how to create my plastic toy, what nuclear is and several scientific questions kids so curios about. They answered the question simply so a kid like me would not ask further questions. When I was in high school I used to watch Discovery Channel and I realized that most of my kid scientific questions had more complex answers. One person used to show off on that documentary movie was a Professor in Chemical Engineering. That was the reason for my undergraduate major choice. I gained my bachelor degree from University Pembangunan Nasional Veteran Yogyakarta majoring Chemical Engineering. I studied the fundamental of science and engineering, Organic Chemical, Polymers, Construction Materials and Corrosion. General chemistry introduced me to atomic and subatomic characteristic of materials. Course like Physics gave knowledge about electrostatics. By the knowledge I have gotten in college my childhood question was answered.
After graduation I worked for a subsidiary of multinational company, Asahi Glass Company. I learn how to select proper materials and ingredients and how to mix them. Managing operation condition to get a high quality flat glass was also my responsibility. I made sure temperature, pressure, and other parameter still in proper range. Since that I realized that materials plays important role in human life. I also became a freelance writer. I write articles about clean energy, science, and several other topics. One of my best article is about geothermal in Indonesia and its potency to reduce fossil fuel usage.
Advances in materials have preceded almost every major technological leap. After the invention of graphene many researchers has been focusing on its potency to meet the needs of modern technology. Michio Kaku said that graphene could revolutionize the future, especially in energy storage. My curiosity about the graphene battery is the reason for me to continue my education. I want to study how to make graphene and optimize graphene capability on energy storage. Chemical Engineering Department will be suitable choice for me.
I plan to become researcher or lecturer after I finish my master degre e. This position will give me access to science and technology development and community. I want to collaborate with entrepreneur, academic institution, and policy maker to improve research ecosystem in my countryby applying knowledge, system, and the way US universities linking their research with industrial practice.
I chose Microbial Fuel Cell as my research topic. It was a rare and new topic in Indonesia. The research took longer time than usual. We had to look for specific membrane and find suitable microbe for the fuel cell. Fortunately Dr. Adi Ilcham as my research supervisor, he gave me a lot of advice on the research. Some reseachers has been combining energy harvesting from Microbial Fuel Cell and then store the energy on graphene battery. This effort can reduce the dependence of conventional fossil fuel grid.
My study background and professional experience will be good basic to study my proposed topic. Some company has been very interested in that topic. Tesla with its Solar City and Powerwall shows us that we could be not dependent with conventional grid to power our house. If we could bring this concept in future housing we could increase the energy distribution efficiency, reduce the fossil fuel usage and pollution. Graphene battery also will give electronic vehicle great benefit. It could reduce the charging time and increase the distance it can get in one charging time. We still need further research to create battery with better energy storage performance that involves multi disciplinary background. Sadly there are not a lot of people in Indonesia who focus their research in graphene and energy storage. Higher and specific education on this topic is very necessary. I am confident that I have the necessary spirit, intellectual competence and required skill to succeed on your master program.
Miko, the first thing you have to understand is that a Fulbright Scholarship is one of the most sought after study grants in the world. Yale University will not accept just anybody into their midst and as such, you need to make yourself stand out with as superior a personal statement as you can muster. Unfortunately, the essay that you wrote is, in my opinion, not suited for a Fulbright application. While your current personal statement sounds more like a college application essay, it can be considered a good start as it carries certain points that you can use for revising your essay.
The reviewer will not be interested in anecdotes from your childhood regardless of how it relates to the profession that you chose to pursue. Since you are applying for a masters degree program, you need to begin to portray yourself as a professional with a bright future ahead of you. All you need to pursue that future, is a sponsor who will believe in you and what you wish to undertake for yourself and all concerned.
Try to focus the statement upon your current profession. Explain how you are currently performing in this field. Make sure to let the reviewer know that while you have taken baby steps towards a higher goal, you believe that you would not be on that path if you had not accomplished certain things within your current profession. This will show how you are a forward thinker who knows where he sees himself in the future.
Explain how you see your future studies helping to achieve your future goals and achieving your full potential. Relate those ideas to your current job and where you see yourself headed within this career path within the next 2 years and then 5 years after graduation. Remember that masters degree students know where they want to be in the future and how they plan to achieve it. You need to create a future career path that will catch the eye of the reviewer. Make sure to relate how this scholarship is relevant to your chosen career and how you plan to continue to have a relationship with the scholarship long after you graduate. Think of ideas that will make your application stand out. Don't stick to the safe declarations as your current essay shows.
More to the point, I have to tell you that your current essay just doesn't work. It does not portray anything about you that will be of notice to the reviewer as it reads more as a generalized essay / commentary instead of a personal look into the professional that you hope to become. That lack of focus has rendered this essay quite useless as it will not interest the reviewer at all and could well result in your missing a chance at getting the scholarship. I apologize for sounding harsh but trust me, the current form of your essay needs a lot more work than you possibly thought. I am trying to help you get on track towards that :-)
These are some pointers that I thought of that can help you develop a more unique and interesting personal statement. I hope it helps.
